First, happy new year to each and everyone one of you who read this! We've had quite the year filled with the utmost of highs and the bottommost of lows. It's all done. For good or bad, 2011 is in the books. It's time for a fresh start. I adore this time of year. People have a fresh optimism for a new beginning and it's a contagiously warm feeling. No matter what has happened in the previous year, I tend to leap into the new year with vivaciousness.
So here we are, a new year. A new start. A clean slate. High expectations.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the past year. One thing I am always thankful for are all the family, friends and random people who are supporting us on our journey. You're comments, cards, emails, texts and messages mean a great deal to both myself and my husband. THANK YOU. I wish I had a more meaningful way to express my gratitude, but I am extremely thankful for each and every bit of support you all have offered.
Now we get to the tequila. *Side notes-I am not in any way an alcoholic. I don't typically drink any alcohol in the middle of the day on a Sunday. Unless offered in Mexico, I typically dislike tequila any time and any place it's offered.*
The sun was shining on this unseasonably warm day and I decided to take our dog, Miles, for a short walk. One thing I have a love hate relationship with the South is it's hospitality. I'm all about being friendly and happy most of the time. I'm frequently referred to as being "bubbly" in fact. But, sometimes I just want to be out and about and not have to make pleasant conversation about anything with anyone. Today was one of those days. I've been struggling with my infertility lately...
A couple that lives down the street from us have made their pregnancy announcement loud and proud via Facebook and I have been strictly avoiding interaction with them because of this. We're friendly with them; we've done the dinner thing a few times and we always chat if we're outside. However, this entire infertility process makes you extremely adept at avoiding certain circumstances to protect yourself, your heart and your sanity. I've taken that avoidance route with them lately until today...
He was outside and being the South, he wanted to chat. I did the obligatory congrats and asked the standard questions you ask about a pregnant lady. I honestly am happy for them or anyone else who is able to start a family the old fashioned way. It all went south, however, when he informed me they started trying for a baby thinking it could take some time. However, amazingly, 2 weeks (yes, TWO freaking weeks) after they started trying, they found out they were pregnant. He went on to gush about how easy it was to get pregnant and I, in turn, tuned out. Miles lifted a leg and pissed on his lawn during the gushing. I secretly smiled inside at our dog's behavior while outwardly apologizing for him. Heavy sigh. 14 days. 2 weeks. We've been trying over 3.5 years. Puts everything into perspective.
They have no idea what we've been through, so please understand I am not upset at them for anything. It's just amazing how easy it can be for some people isn't it?!
I got through the rest of the conversation fighting back tears and turned, head bowed, to do the walk of shame home. I was so very happy to be home. I stormed in the door at about 3:30 and declared, "Poor me a shot of tequila!" The husband was shocked, but all I had to do was mutter their name and he understood why I had made this bizarre request. He didn't question my odd request, but cracked open the Patron and granted my wish. Ah, my dazzling ray of sunshine husband! I simply adore this man. It probably wasn't the best solution to how I was feeling, but the tequila haziness washed over me and my empty stomach quickly. It's New Year's Day so it's not that bad, right?! It sure as hell made me feel better momentarily. It's so damn difficult to have absolutley no control over something...I have no control over infertility. It controls me.
We started our FET cycle the day we got back from the family Christmas in St. Louis. I'm heading into this cycle with a different attitude. I'm not really into it. I can't get excited about it. I'm just going through the motions and I've been shedding some tears. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me. I'm taking 10 units of Lupron for the time being; I stopped the BCP's yesterday. My first ultrasound is on Jan 5.
2012 will be an interesting year for us. We're either forging ahead with babies in our lives or navigating into the DINK world. Either this is our year for babies or the rest of our lives. I'm tired of living the in between. We both are. We've had endless hours of conversations over the past few months and we are definitely at a crossroads in our life. I know which way we hope our lives go, but there is no telling what path we're taking. Either way, 2012 will be a pivotal year for us. Let's do this!!