Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Crabby Tuesday

I'm not sure what my deal is today, but I'm an emotional mess. I just got off the phone with a nurse at the clinic and cried...
I have all the info for the FET (frozen embryo transfer), we ordered the meds and I started taking the required birth control pills. I'm waiting to hear back from the financial coordinator re: cost for this cycle because we didn't get to the transfer on the last cycle. This should be a *clearance* IVF cycle since the money we didn't use for the fresh cycle will carry over and the meds cost a minuscule $50. $50! What a bargain!!
So why the sad face? I don't know if I'm overly tired (worked 53 hrs last week of both day and night shifts), starting the pills are making me edgy, I'm apprehensive to hop on the infertility treatment wagon once again or any combination of the above.
I thought we would not begin this process until mid Jan, but the injections start on Dec 27th. Surprise! The transfer is tentatively scheduled for Jan 18-a day I'm scheduled to work 7pm-7am. Wonderful! My first ultrasound appointment is on Jan 5 and I'm working a stretch of 3 nights during that time AND the earliest appointment I can get is 10 am. I have to work until 7am, stay up to head to the MD at 10am, come home and try to sleep a maximum of 4.5 hrs before heading in for another 12 hour night. Stupendous! This cycle includes Progesterone injections (I've had these before and they freaking hurt!) Terrific! Collin has tentative plans to be on a business trip when I'm supposed to be getting some of these injections which means I may get to give them to myself. Fantastic!
Every other time we've started a new treatment cycle I've met the cycle with unbeaten optimism and soaring hope. Not this time. I'm over it. I'm more then fatigued by this entire process both emotionally and physically.
Infertility sucks. I loath it. I want to kick it in the face.
I am tired of fighting today.
I'm going to give myself the day to be a wreck and feel sorry for myself and my situation.
Tomorrow I can pick up the pieces and move forward, but not today...


Anonymous said...

The emotions we feel throughout this journey are oftem met with the question 'why'. Why am I feeling this way right now? You have a lot going on and I don't know about you, but the holidays always hit me a bit harder. The great thing is that you have embabies for an FET and the holy low cost!! Keep your head up. You don't have to be optimistic today, tomorrow is always another day. I also think you get to a point where you don't allow yourself to experience that unwavering, niave happiness/excitement. Pain and experience dull those feelings and protect our hearts.

stick said...

It's ok that you are feeling sad. The holidays are tough to get through without all the extra baggage Today you are apprehensive thinking of all you have been through and the next round coming. I am certain it is all a bit overwhelming. Take each day head on as it comes. Soon we will all be together for the holidays with lots of family and excitement. Just take time to experience your feelings as they are. You are entitled to feel under the weather now and then. Soon you will be back on track. Hope you feel better soon!

stacey said...

I just wanted to comment that your feelings are totally understandable, and I have been there. It's overwhelming. I thought I was going to do a cycle this summer (I'm a first grade teacher) so I thought perfect timing! Only I skipped a period and my retrieval then fell on the 2nd day of school! Baaaaad timing. It sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Of course then my progesterone was too high so it turned into a FET. Two months later. Sigh. But I got my BFP so even if it all sucks, it can all be worth it. (I had 2 m/c and 3 BFN before this). Anyway, pity party yourself away until you get the strength to get that optimism back. It will come back! KMFX for you!!!

Nichole said...

Give yourself a day when you need it (and when you can) to just do nothing and wallow in your frustration. It helps! And you need those breaks and moments to just process this. Your last round was so traumatic. I'm sure that is a huge part of your frustration. I've felt guilty over going into this kicking and screaming, but it's just how we are reacting to it and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You're transfer date is the date after mine. I hate to see anyone else going through this, but there is also a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone. On the progesterone shots...do you know a nurse or a close friend that can do the shot for you? I tried to do one myself. I think I tensed up (because those suckers hurt) and ended up feeling like I pulled a muscle in my neck AND my arm from trying to contort around to do it.

Joey said...

Hey Crabby! I gave you an award. Hopefully that'll cheer you up a bit?

Joking aside, I hope that your heart can heal some, and you have to give yourself permission to mourn.