Beta #2

**Please stop over to Not the Usual Ticking Clock to share some love with Nichole, who got unfortunate news on a beta test today. Send her some hugs. There is nothing like support and understanding to get through a rough patch. **

I went in for Beta #2 today at good old Doody's office. Aside from not being able to find a place to park, it was uneventful. I inquired when the results would be available, because let's face it, waiting sucks! They told me the results probably wouldn't be back until after lunch-aka after 1:30! Ah! More waiting!!!
While C was home for lunch, my phone surprisingly rang at 12:30! I was so aghast I managed to spill half the glass of water I was holding on the floor. While C cleaned up my mess I took the call with shaking hands. The nurse told me my level was 1495! She said it was 'excellent!' I expressed gratitude for calling over her lunch and she said this 'was a long time coming and I didn't want you to wait any longer.' Very sweet! I've only been going to that clinic for a tad over 3.5 years. A long time coming indeed!
I feel like I am dreaming. This is so surreal. I am filled with gratitude. I am appreciative for all the support and prayers. I know nothing is guaranteed and we have a long road ahead. However, today I am grateful. I am blessed. I am nothing short of thankful for this experience so far.
I've had so many appointments and lab draws over the past few weeks. But now I'm back on Team Wait's sideline. I don't have a single appointment or lab draw until our first ultrasound on Feb 15. Of course all 3 days they had available for an ultrasound conflicted with my work schedule. I'm once again going to have to ask about getting that day off or permission to come in late. I'll worry about that another day...
Today, I am 4 weeks 3 days pregnant (I had to ask how far along I was technically..that whole embryos growing in a petri dish for 5 days thing confused my timeline). I'm feeling symptoms of pregnancy. It's real. It's happening. Today there is a baby/babies growing in me. For today I will enjoy the news and try not to worry about the 'what if's'. I will hope the baby/ies continue to develop properly. I will pray. I will hope. I will love. I will do everything I can do...

Delayed Beta #2

Previously I wrote I was going in on Sunday for Beta #2. However, our RE office in Knox is open on weekends only if they have patients that need to be seen. When I was there on Friday morning they had several monitoring ultrasound appointments, which meant the Fri ultrasounds would most likely need another follow up on Sun.
But, because there are no rules in this IF game, it turned out none of the ultrasound patients needed to come back on Sunday. I got a call Friday afternoon letting me know a Sunday follow up would not be possible. We knew this was a possibility all along. Our IVF clinic in Chatt was fine with delaying our beta until Monday.
So, here we are waiting. My husband has endless amounts of patience. Me, not so much. I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and my mind started racing with possibilities. This is a huge day and any milestone that is reached successfully is truly something to celebrate. However, I am all too well aware that not every story has a happy ending. We just have to wait and see...

The Wait is Over: Beta #1

I am very scattered right now and can't think clearly, but the wait is over!! We are pregnant!!
Did I just say that?! YES!! YES!! YES!!! WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
Our Beta Test came back at 347 (above 50 indicates pregnancy). My progesterone level was over 40 (last time I was pregnant it was chronically low). The labs, so far, look fantastic.
I know we have a loooooong way to go, 9 months to be exact, but this is something to celebrate.

We both had problems sleeping last night. When the alarm went off this morning, both of us jumped up out of bed; usually we're the snooze hitting type. I had a lot of anxiety over POAS, because I've peed on so many and have a record of not getting that stubborn line to show up. However, this morning it showed up right away. We were both thrilled, but couldn't fully buy into it until we had the labs drawn.
I went in to have the blood work done and got a call 2.5 hours later from Doody's office and the Chattanooga office telling us the good news. We're heading back in on Sunday for Beta #2. Once that comes back elevated, I think I will feel much better.

We're cautiously happy right now. It's impossible not to get excited, but at the same time, we have such a long road ahead. Every victory in the IF game is something to celebrate.
I've been telling C all week I knew I pregnant. I just knew. I had some symptoms already (feeling bloated, nausea, tiredness, sore boobs, and hiccups-I had random hiccups the first time I was pregnant and I know it sounds crazy but I took it as a good sign). Two days after the transfer I had a lot of weird cramping type feelings. I was so scared to believe in these symptoms too much, however, because I didn't want to let myself down with a negative test.

Special thanks to our awesome parents, amazing sister in law and brother in law, grandparents, niece and nephews, aunts, uncles, and friends who have all prayed for us. I have no doubt in my mind that the support and prayers from everyone helped get us to this day.
Big congrats to my blogging girls Jill @ Dear Infertility and Nichole @ Not the Usual Ticking Clock who recently got positive pregnancy tests on their FET as well!
I'm very thankful for all the support I have gotten through blogging. It has made a world of difference. Thank you! Good luck to all you ladies going through cycles right now!

24 Hours Left to Wait

I'm heading in to the RE's office in exactly 24 hours to FINALLY get the pregnancy results. C and I discussed POAS today, but we decided to wait. I'm terrified to get the results. I'd rather live in my blissful naive state of mind that I'm in right now. I want to stay PUPO. I don't want to be proven otherwise nor confirmed. I'm scared.
I'm off today, and I have a feeling it's going to be a long day! I'm trying to keep myself busy (grocery shopping, cleaning and making my famous lasagna), but I can't help feeling overwhelmingly anxious and nervous about tomorrow. C is in meetings most of the day so I can't even bother him with texts.
I've been feeling some symptoms that were leading me to think this was definitely it. However, I woke up today and feel completely normal. I'm confused. I think my mind is playing tricks on me.
I don't know how we can handle the news tomorrow if the test comes back negative...I want off this roller coaster ride!! We are approaching the 4 year mark. We've been through enough.
In other news, I have an oil pocket on my right side from the progesterone. It's been so painful I have a limp from time to time. Getting up after sitting for a while makes it especially agonizing. I laid across the husband's lap last night while he massaged my butt/hip area to help get rid of the lump. So romantic... It hurt a lot, but felt much better afterwards. We are now adding a butt massage to the nightly list of pills, ice, injection, and heating pad routine. Yes, we definitely know how to have a good time.
So that's it. I'm freaking out. I have lost my patience. The next 24 hours will be life changing no matter the outcome. I'm praying and hoping for the best. I can't do anything else at this point...

Tom Petty is Correct

Come on sing it with me!! The waaaaaiting is the hardest part!!
It's 5 days past the transfer. I took on the attitude that I am pregnant until a test proves I'm not. It's been fairly easy. Sure, I still have my tense moments wondering how I'm going to wait until Friday, but for the most part I've been able to remain fairly calm. I was a complete couch potato from the time we got home from the transfer until today. I am returning to work today, and I'm more then ready to get out of the house.

Here's an exciting run down of what I've been up to: I finally finished Breaking Dawn (really didn't enjoy this book compared to the first 3). Watched several movies (I hope you can't laugh out an embryo because Bridesmaids is hilarious. I love Kristen Wiig). Caught up on Grey's and Pan Am. Cheered on Baltimore and the 49ers (both lost). Played several mindless games on the iPad. You get the picture. Lots of R&R. I've done all I can do.

I've been analyzing every twinge, feeling, cramp and twitch I've experienced over the past few days. I hope they amount to something rather then just my mind playing tricks on me.
I made my work schedule open around the time I assumed the pregnancy test would be. Well we know what we say about people who assume... The test falls on Friday. I work Friday night. How convenient. While I have promised myself to be patient during the 9 day wait (who knew 9 days could take soooooo long?!), Collin and I decided I should pee on a stick (POAS) on Friday morning. I can't bare to think about being home alone when I get the phone call to know my fate. At least this way, we'll have an idea of what the results will be so we can both prepare ourselves. If it's negative, and I am a mess, which I suspect I will be, I have decided I will call in sick Friday. No one at work knows what's going on, and I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together for 12 hours with the bad news lingering in my head.

However, until all of this happens, I'm just going to try to stay blissful and think positive. Collin has been awesome at cooking, doing laundry, and taking care of everything so I've been able to focus on relaxing. How many times have I heard I just need to relax in order to have a baby?! I'm giving into that dreaded advice and hoping it helps this time :) The progesterone shots haven't been too bad; my massage massively helped my extremely sore lower back area. Now I can tolerate them because I feel like we're doing them for a reason. Sure it's a 1 1/2 inch needle going into my back, but I'm doing it for the little baby/babies that surely must be growing in my uterus. Sounds crazy, but it works.

I also have to share this interaction I had with Collin. He went upstairs to fetch my estrodiol medication for me and came down with one of his infamous 'I'm up to no good' grins. I asked him what he was smiling about and it went something like this:
C-Nothing.
Me-Seriously, what's so funny?
C-Well, uh, never mind.
Me-No tell me what you are laughing at!
C-Well, I've only had two anatomy and physiology classes, so I'm not an expert, but how many vaginas are you supposed to have?
He handed me the med bottle and pointed to the label. We both busted out laughing.

He's been amazing helping me stay sane the past 5 days. 5 days down. 4 days to wait.

The FET Transfer

We made it! We finally made it to a transfer!! Since the fresh cycle got cancelled in Nov, it seems like the fresh and frozen cycles have blended together. It's feels like we've been doing injections, ultrasounds and popping pills for sooooo long!
The embryologist called me on Tuesday to confirm thawing 2 embryos on Wednesday. She said she'd give us a call on Wed morning if one of them failed to defrost so we could give her the permission to defrost another. I hoped and prayed we would not hear from her Wed. I wanted to only thaw 2. I checked my iPhone about 20 times on our way to the clinic to see if she called.
I also went for a 60 minute aromatherapy massage on Tue. The masseuse told me she was having a hard time getting my muscles to relax. She said I was tense. Ha! No doubt. One of the most important days of my life was looming...
We made it to Chatt and got ready to head in for the transfer. I was very apprehensive about the entire thing, but of course C was successful at making me laugh while we sat waiting. He helped me calm down with his foolishness.
The Embryologist, Shan, came to talk to us about our embryos. I knew it would be positive news when she came around the corner smiling. The initial 2 embryos both survived the thawing process. One came from ICSI and the other was from the good old fashion swimming method. She showed us pics of the embryos at different stages of the thawing. She did a procedure known as assisted hatching with them. When embryos are frozen, their outer shell can become thick. This makes it more difficult for the embryo to branch out and implant. Assisted hatching means putting a small slice in the zona pellucida (outer shell of the embryo) to help it expand.
In the series of photos we could see the embryo initially in the corner of the zona pellucida and slowly it expanded to fill the entire space, eventually branching out. Both the Embryologist and MD were very pleased to see the embryos branching out of the zona pellucida. I had no idea, but apparently this is very encouraging. Shan was thrilled with our embryos. We immediately felt much more at ease after speaking with her.
Dr. Scotchie also came by to speak with us and have us sign the paperwork. She walked in proclaiming, "You two make beautiful embryos!" What a compliment!! She said I was an ideal candidate for a single embryo transfer because of the quality of embryos and my age. However, she said if we wanted to maximize our chance of pregnancy transferring both was ideal. We never faltered with our decision. We were putting both in! The two of us are inquisitive, so of course we bombarded her with questions. Dr. Scotchie estimated about a 60-65% chance of pregnancy based on the quality of embryos, number of embryos etc. She also estimated the chances of twins to be about 30%. Chance of triplets < 1 %. Most importantly 60-65% chance of success?! I LOVE these numbers!! This has been the most positive experience in the IF game to date.
The transfer itself was fairly uneventful. There were 3 women (Doctor, Nurse and Embryologist) and 1 man (the husband) in the room trying to get me knocked up. Who knew it would ever require this many people? My bladder was not as full as it had been on the trial transfer so it was a bit more difficult to locate everything. It was a bit painful, but very similar to IUI's. I couldn't see the ultrasound screen, but C said he could see a small blip on the screen when they placed the embryos in.
That's the story of the transfer! I'm officially PUPO status (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise).
I'm off of work until Monday. I've had several calls/texts to pick up shifts, but I've had to decline all the offers. My priority right now is to relax and get those embryos to implant. If they are implanting, and I know they will, they will implant by Friday. Come on sticky embryos!
Both of us are feeling positive about the transfer. We're hopeful. What else can we be?
We've had fantastic support and tons of prayers from family and friends. I trust our medical staff and genuinely like the clinic. I know they have done their best for us.
I really hope this is it!! We'll find out next Friday, Jan 27.

Next Stop: Transfer

I had my second (and last) ultrasound yesterday. My endometrial lining was a 10.2. Ideal is 6-14 mm. Boom! I never thought I'd be excited about my endometrial lining measurement, but the day has come to fist pump about the ideal measurement. Labs were also fine. We got the go ahead to proceed to the FET (frozen embryo transfer) on Wed. I'm thankful for Doc C's game day decision of skipping the ultrasound on Sun, because we saved ourselves 3 hours on the road and $300! I shot up with my last dose of Lupron last night. Fingers crossed this was the last dose EVER. I'll be happy for the hot flashes to recede.

*Random side story-I was giving treatment to a patient this week. Her mom was about mid 50's and she shed her sweatshirt with complaints of a hot flash. She told me how awful they were and said I'd know someday. I laughed because I was thinking, 'Lady, I know what a hot flash feels like. I inject myself with Lupron!' Ha! I couldn't help but laugh out loud... This little interaction kept me smiling all day.*

We are moving on to the dreaded Progesterone injections tonight. We did entire cycles of injecting HMG the intramuscular route and damn my hips were tender. This is an entirely different beast because it's IM, but it's also an oil base so it's thick. Ouch ouch ouch. I'm going to heat and ice. Pray. Cuss. Go to my happy place. Apply a cute Kermit the Frog or Hello Kitty band aid. Yup. I bought children's band aids in hopes it may help make the experience a bit more entertaining and tolerable. I'm also taking medrol, aspirin, metanx and estrace. Estrace itself doesn't bother me, but I'm quite disturbed by the route of administering the meds. Ugh. The things a chick will do to try to have a baby.

This cycle has been so much easier then the fresh cycle. A few injections, hot flashes, pills and 2 ultrasounds. Not bad at all. (Not bad for IF'ers. All those people that just have sex to make a baby would think this is insane. Screw those people!) Thinking back to when we were trying to decide between the Attain program or paying cycle by cycle, I am VERY thankful we went the pay by cycle route. I cannot imagine doing up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles. One fresh cycle was enough for me. OHSS is a bitch.

So that's it. Time to make a baby. Please keep us, the physicians and medical staff in your thoughts and/or prayers. Next week is a big week. HUGE week!! Pray that this works. I do not know how we'll get through another failure.

Ultrasound Saga

When I sit down to write a blog, I will usually open up iTunes and end up buying a song or two to listen to while blogging. Blogging is getting to be an expensive hobby ;)

We got a call from the Chatt clinic Friday. My Estrodiol level was sky high and my lining was thicker then they wanted; this was all expected because my body has not recovered from the hellish IVF cycle we underwent 2 months ago. My body is still in chaos from two months ago... I'm taking solace in this info because I honestly have not felt like myself since we did the IVF cycle in Oct/Nov. It's not my fault. I'm not going crazy. It's the damn drugs. On the other hand, this makes me wonder what long term impact all of this has?! Yikes.
Although all signs pointed to my lining thinning down properly (I was having some seriously unpleasant heavy bleeding), the Chatt clinic suggested we come to them for an ultrasound Sunday just to be sure. This would mean postponing the Estrace meds and the entire cycle by a few days.
Because I work with MD's, I know they don't like to assume. They'd rather order every possible diagnostic test to see evidence first hand and make an educated diagnosis/treatment plan. A lot of the time this is necessary, but sometimes it's overkill. We used to jump through every hoop they put in front of us, but we have both lost some of the zealous unquestioning spirit. C questioned the ultrasound and when they said it was not necessary, but would be helpful, we opted out. The clinic was accepting of this option. Driving to Chatt means 3 hours on the road and the ultrasounds run about $300 a pop. (Our insurance isn't supposed to pay for the ultrasounds. Lately they have been, but you never know. That's another story...) As C said, in reference to this entire IF game, 'none of the professionals have gotten it right yet so I might as well take a stab at it.' I'm going to start calling C Doc.
I feel like such a rebel!! I feel we made the right decision. I have another ultrasound on Thursday, so we'll see how my stubborn lining has progressed then. I really didn't want to delay the transfer, because I left my work schedule open so I could relax for a few days post transfer.

On a different note, I went to Painting With a Twist on Saturday with some co-workers. One of the supervisors I work with has a girls night out occasionally. I wanted to bring a friend with me because I only knew 2 of the people going and typically I'm uncomfortable in groups of unknown people (there were about 15 people). The 3 friends I asked weren't able to make it (one cancelled last minute because of a puking kid. Those darn kids ;) !), but I decided I'd do something that made me uncomfortable and just go! I'm glad I did! There is an artist who talks you through a painting step by step. You also get to bring your own wine/drinks/food along and they play music. What's better then wine, music, and painting with friends?! It ended up being a lot of fun. The lady I ended up talking to the most happens to be one of C's co-workers and she's a fellow Wisco girl. Small world... Below is my masterpiece that I created! Painting With a Twist's are scattered all over the South, so if you're a Southern Belle or an Imposter Southern Belle, like myself, I'd check it out if there is one near you!
Now to take on a week full of work, pills, shots and an ultrasound...
Best of luck to all you ladies going through cycles right now and congrats to the many pregnant ladies out there!!! A lot of people I have been following are pregnant...I hope I'm next!!!

What Would Collin Do?

What would Collin do is a phrase I came up with to remind me to remain calm. Sounds like I have emotional problems...so I'll explain.
C has an endless amount of patience. He rarely gets flustered and seems to maintain a harmonious peaceful state of mind all the time. It's one of the things I admire most about him. His side of the family all possess the same easygoing attitude, so I don't know if it's an inherited or learned quality. Regardless, patience seems a bit difficult to come by for me sometimes. (So I have ONE fault...is that so bad?!) I'm just a bit more of a feisty person then my better half. The extra infertility drugs don't help my cause any either. With respect to our lack or control of patience, I have comically coined the phrase 'What Would Collin Do?' to remind myself to remain calm during these tense infertility moments.
My ultrasound appointment was on Thur at 10 am. I worked T-TH from 7p-7a. Despite my best efforts, I could not get the appt earlier. I've been having one hell of a period this time around so I've been feeling quite crummy and obviously I was tired. I usually come home, shower and hop into bed by 8 am when working nights. Obviously a 10 am appt throws a wrench into my routine.
However, despite the imposing issues, I sucked it up and went in to Dr. Doody's office with a moderately positive attitude at 9:50 am. C had obligations at work so I was flying solo. I told myself I was going to remain calm despite the difficult situation. WWCD. I was all over it.
I had by labs drawn within 5 minutes and I thought I'd be heading to the ultrasound room (this is the Doody routine), but the room was still occupied so I had to resume my seat in the waiting area. I dutifully waited in the waiting area until 10:30 am, but when a couple was called for an ultrasound ahead of me I didn't care what Collin would do any longer. I did what exhausted Amber would do. Patience was thrown by the wayside. I knew I would be stuck waiting another 30 minutes. I started texting C and my mom like a mad woman with my rants. At 10:40 I approached the front desk and asked how long it would be and expressed my need to sleep, probably in a slightly assertive tone. By 10:45 I was brooding over my exhaustion (I'd been awake for 19 hrs at this point) and I told C I was leaving at 11 with an ultrasound or not.
Luckily I was called back at 10:56. Did the 5 minute ultrasound. The NP gave me the report of a lining of .69 and said it was thin and looked good. That was enough for me. I craved my bed. I went home and crawled into bed passing out immediately.
C got the message from the clinic in Chatt that my lining was 6.9 (they measure in mm not cm) and this was thick. What the hell?! Too thick for the next step of adding estrace to the drug mix. The MD was out of the office for the afternoon so they said they'd call with a plan the next day.
(We got the call today, but are figuring out what our next move is, so I'll update you as soon as I know.)
While I was getting my labs drawn a nurse commented, "I don't know how you work nights. That must be horrible." This statement got me thinking about all the sacrifices we have both made for this elusive baby we DON'T have. At that point, I was still in my WWCD calm state of mind or I may have screamed at her 'I work nights so I can attend all these damn appointments!! If I worked days it would mean working 7a-7p and I wouldn't be able to even try to have a baby because I couldn't make most of these freaking appointments!! Anything else in my life you want to comment on?' We need this fertility game to be over one way or another...
I'm beginning to question the integrity of Doody's office. We have been going to their office for over 3.5 years. He's performed 3 surgeries on me and countless IF treatments. The staff is wonderful. However, on our fresh IVF cycle we had measuring discrepancies of my follicles that resulted in an extra trip to Chatt. They completely missed the mark on measuring my lining this time; conversion factor aside I was told it was thin and looked fine. The office is chronically behind with their appointments; waiting an hour or more is not out of the ordinary. I had to wait an hour for a 5 minute ultrasound. Since we have been going there, their patient volume has increased substantially. It's difficult to even get a time slot for any appointment these days. A NP does the ultrasounds and she seems chronically rushed. I think they need to expand their business or stop accepting so many patients. It seems their quality of care has diminished since we starting going there and it's very disappointing on my end.
That's the ultrasound story. Now to decide what is next. Nothing is ever easy in the infertility game. I want the end of the game buzzer to sound. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One way or another, I'm ready to be done with this entire process.

Two Phone Calls on a Tuesday

Today marks the day of the end of Xmas Vaca for both my husband and I. We're both heading back to work after an extended time away. We were able to spend time with family, had a mini vaca to St Louis and got to spend some much needed relaxation time on the couch together.
I had two phone call conversations today that have me in high spirits despite the impending return to work.
First, I received a call from the Embryologist, Shan, in the a.m. We had a few questions re: the unfreezing of the embryos, so she was calling to answer those questions. She said the unfreezing will take place the morning of the transfer. She'll unfreeze two and let them expand in a petri dish, watching their progress. Since it only takes about 15 minutes to unfreeze, if one of them doesn't survive the thaw, it will be easy to select the next in line to thaw. We want to transfer two embryos so (hypothetically) we should have no problem making that happen. She went on to say we have a lot to choose from (we have 14 frozen) and expressed that we are lucky for all these options. Odd thing to have someone refer to me as lucky... It caught me off guard, but I'm thankful for the compliment! I went through A LOT to get those embryos... Anyway, Shan made it sound so simple. Let's hope it is. To think, this entire infertility journey could be over in 2 weeks is astonishing. I'm feeling much better about the entire transfer process after chatting with her.
Next, I received a call from a dear friend of mine, Sarah, up in Wisconsin. Sarah and another of my favorite Wisconsinite friends, Pauline, are coming to visit in Feb. I'm thrilled about the visit and cannot wait for the much needed girl time with two of my favorite ladies! It's very difficult living far away from all my best friends... We had a fabulous conversation and caught up on our lives. We both work in healthcare and work odd hours, so finding time to chat on the phone can be a difficult task. She's the type of person who can make anyone feel at ease. She fills your day with sunshine and she's incredibly kind and thoughtful. Our chat definitely brightened my day!!
I've placed a few phone calls to Dr. Doody's office asking to reschedule my ultrasound for an earlier time Thursday. So far, no luck. I'll call them tomorrow in hopes I can get an earlier time slot in order to get more sleep in between night shifts. Maybe they will be tired of my calls and just squeeze me in. Fingers crossed.
Starting to get some bruising on my abdomen from the shots. The Lupron shots are not all that bad. I have hot flashes (I ripped off my pants in the middle of the night last night in the midst of hot flash mania) and I'm a tad emotional, but the side effects are bearable. It's much easier then the high dose of Lupron Depot in between surgeries for Endometriosis I once was on. Compared to that, this is a piece of cake!!
Thanks again for all the comments. I read them all and love getting the feedback! If I write back will people check back and read them? I want to respond, but I'm not sure the best way to go about it. I appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to leave a message to brighten my day!
Onward!!

Sometimes Walking the Dog Requires Tequila

First, happy new year to each and everyone one of you who read this! We've had quite the year filled with the utmost of highs and the bottommost of lows. It's all done. For good or bad, 2011 is in the books. It's time for a fresh start. I adore this time of year. People have a fresh optimism for a new beginning and it's a contagiously warm feeling. No matter what has happened in the previous year, I tend to leap into the new year with vivaciousness.
So here we are, a new year. A new start. A clean slate. High expectations.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the past year. One thing I am always thankful for are all the family, friends and random people who are supporting us on our journey. You're comments, cards, emails, texts and messages mean a great deal to both myself and my husband. THANK YOU. I wish I had a more meaningful way to express my gratitude, but I am extremely thankful for each and every bit of support you all have offered.
Now we get to the tequila. *Side notes-I am not in any way an alcoholic. I don't typically drink any alcohol in the middle of the day on a Sunday. Unless offered in Mexico, I typically dislike tequila any time and any place it's offered.*
The sun was shining on this unseasonably warm day and I decided to take our dog, Miles, for a short walk. One thing I have a love hate relationship with the South is it's hospitality. I'm all about being friendly and happy most of the time. I'm frequently referred to as being "bubbly" in fact. But, sometimes I just want to be out and about and not have to make pleasant conversation about anything with anyone. Today was one of those days. I've been struggling with my infertility lately...
A couple that lives down the street from us have made their pregnancy announcement loud and proud via Facebook and I have been strictly avoiding interaction with them because of this. We're friendly with them; we've done the dinner thing a few times and we always chat if we're outside. However, this entire infertility process makes you extremely adept at avoiding certain circumstances to protect yourself, your heart and your sanity. I've taken that avoidance route with them lately until today...
He was outside and being the South, he wanted to chat. I did the obligatory congrats and asked the standard questions you ask about a pregnant lady. I honestly am happy for them or anyone else who is able to start a family the old fashioned way. It all went south, however, when he informed me they started trying for a baby thinking it could take some time. However, amazingly, 2 weeks (yes, TWO freaking weeks) after they started trying, they found out they were pregnant. He went on to gush about how easy it was to get pregnant and I, in turn, tuned out. Miles lifted a leg and pissed on his lawn during the gushing. I secretly smiled inside at our dog's behavior while outwardly apologizing for him. Heavy sigh. 14 days. 2 weeks. We've been trying over 3.5 years. Puts everything into perspective.
They have no idea what we've been through, so please understand I am not upset at them for anything. It's just amazing how easy it can be for some people isn't it?!
I got through the rest of the conversation fighting back tears and turned, head bowed, to do the walk of shame home. I was so very happy to be home. I stormed in the door at about 3:30 and declared, "Poor me a shot of tequila!" The husband was shocked, but all I had to do was mutter their name and he understood why I had made this bizarre request. He didn't question my odd request, but cracked open the Patron and granted my wish. Ah, my dazzling ray of sunshine husband! I simply adore this man. It probably wasn't the best solution to how I was feeling, but the tequila haziness washed over me and my empty stomach quickly. It's New Year's Day so it's not that bad, right?! It sure as hell made me feel better momentarily. It's so damn difficult to have absolutley no control over something...I have no control over infertility. It controls me.
We started our FET cycle the day we got back from the family Christmas in St. Louis. I'm heading into this cycle with a different attitude. I'm not really into it. I can't get excited about it. I'm just going through the motions and I've been shedding some tears. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me. I'm taking 10 units of Lupron for the time being; I stopped the BCP's yesterday. My first ultrasound is on Jan 5.
2012 will be an interesting year for us. We're either forging ahead with babies in our lives or navigating into the DINK world. Either this is our year for babies or the rest of our lives. I'm tired of living the in between. We both are. We've had endless hours of conversations over the past few months and we are definitely at a crossroads in our life. I know which way we hope our lives go, but there is no telling what path we're taking. Either way, 2012 will be a pivotal year for us. Let's do this!!