Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

I started a blog yesterday that was a holiday wrap up/return to work preview, but I don't have the heart to finish it. I've had a horrible morning...I've had one or both babies screaming and crying since I woke up at 7am this morning. It's just one of those days...

A lot of the blogs I have read regarding infertiles having children are all centered around a 'I have a baby now, everything is perfect' kind of attitude. It's been difficult for me because although I am happy in many aspects, there have been some incredibly difficult minutes/hours/day/weeks. I feel like I do not have a right to vent my frustrations because I have begged for this opportunity for so long. It's finally here-our family. I should be happy. Well, a lot of the time, I am not...

Having two babies is incredibly difficult. I manage them on my own all day while my husband is at work. We don't have any family in the state. I have friends that are willing to watch the babies, but Evan is such a fussy baby I do not feel comfortable leaving him with someone else for fear that they would run away crying. He makes my days very complicated sometimes... 
He had reflux. We got meds and saw a lot of improvements.
He had colic. He's grown out of the 1-3 hour screaming fits he threw every evening.
He's generally a fussy baby. If I didn't have another one I wouldn't know the difference, but having another baby that is happy and content makes it clear to me that he is anything but fussy.
He won't nap. He throws fits when he is tired. They can last from 20 minutes-1 hour (today was the first time this lasted an hour). I watch for tired cues and sometimes he goes down without a hitch. Other times, like today, he simply won't have it.

I lost it today...He got up at 7:30 and played for a while then ate. He was then obviously tired so I put him down for a nap. He cried. I got him up and sang/rocked him for a while and put him back down. Screaming ensued. I did the sing/rock and put down thing a few times, but with no success. Finally, I got frustrated and put him in his crib and walked away. He was changed, fed and simply tired but refusing to sleep (this is a common theme for him and I don't know what to do). I went to shower so I wouldn't hear him crying. I could feel my frustration level building and I had to get away. Mother of the year here... I got out of the shower and he was crying, but not screaming anymore so I went to pick him up and tried soothing him further. Then Ella was up and wanted to eat so I had to do the best I could with him while feeding another baby. He didn't calm down. 
Next, he was ready to eat again so I fed him, but he'd only take 2 oz. These two are usually eating 4-7 a session so I knew he wasn't full, but he would scream when I put the bottle up to his mouth. I couldn't get him to calm down so I finally just put him in the tub and got him ready for the day. Of course while he was in the tub he was smiling and giggling at me, but the second he got out the screaming started again. This time his sister joined in because she was ready to eat again.
I got overly frustrated with the entire situation (about 4 hours passed at this point) and I felt like I was going to explode. I was angry and frustrated. I went downstairs and screamed and swore at the walls. I took some deep breaths and went back upstairs to feed the babies. He ate another 2 oz and Ella only cried and refused to eat. Both finally passed out 4.5 hours later...

Sometimes I feel like I can handle this and I have a great grasp on what's going on. Other days are complete chaos (yesterday was an awful day as well) and I simply do not know what to do. I sat on the couch and sobbed while feeding the babies. Am I cut out for being a mom? Do I deserve to have these two beautiful children? Sometimes I don't know... Sometimes I think they would be better without me. Is a mom that gets frustrated and angry a benefit to have around? Maybe I am a bad mom. Maybe I'm just tired and need a break. I don't know. I keep waiting for the screaming to subside. I don't know what to do with Evan. He requires so much attention that I feel like he is robbing his sister of my attention. Ella is such an easy baby it's so easy to spend a lot of time and energy on calming down Evan. Is there something wrong with him? Are they going to turn out with lots of emotional issues because they can sense how tense their mom gets? I finally have a family that I have dreamed of for years so why can't I just be happy every second of the day?

I don't know what to do...I have a to do list a mile long and I should absolutely not be blogging while I finally have some quiet time, but I had to write out my feelings. I feel better already...

It's been a bad morning, but I know there is hope for a better afternoon. I just wish I knew how to be a better mom...

9 comments:

S said...

Oh, my dear. I wish I were there so I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. . . and then watch your babies so you could get a few hours sleep and some time away by yourself.

You are not a bad mother. Being a mother to one newborn is hard; being a mother to two newborns is harder. Being a mother to two newborns when one is fussier-than-average is particularly challenging.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to soothe Evan and to also take care of Ella. Please be kind to yourself.

I have more practical suggestions I will be happy to offer if you want them, but as I know you are a bright and resourceful person and you have not asked for advice, I will stop here and simply offer you my support and tell you that, as one twin mom to another, I get it.

S said...

P.S. No one feels happy all the time, even when they finally have the family they've worked so hard to have. Feeling sad, and stressed, and frustrated at times is normal. Don't lay that guilt on yourself, too.

KW said...

First of all, you are not a bad mom. You are human. Raising twins in the early days is incredibly taxing. I've said it before but the first six months you are in survival mode. Getting through the day is a major accomplishment. I'm reading your post and remembering those days very clearly… It wasn't pretty. My twins are now just over two and life is much easier. I promise it does get better! My formerly colicky baby is now a calm, well adjusted toddler--while my formerly easy baby is now in the full-blown terrible twos! I'm telling you your kids will continue to surprise you as they grow in their roles will flip-flop.

In the meantime, you need to start being more forgiving of yourself. You're doing the right thing by taking a step back and not taking your frustrations out on the babies. Is Evan on all of the appropriate reflux medicines? Another question is what kind of formula does he take? Could he have a milk sensitivity? I know every baby and situation is different, but Nutramigen worked wonders for us!

I last question is, can you afford some outside help? I think it would be a wonderful idea to bring someone in for a few hours a day to take some of the weight off of you. I highly recommend it being a hired person instead of a friend. Just an extra set of hands will work wonders for you!

Keep your chin up and good luck!

Jen said...

Well, I certainly get everything you are saying as well. Both my babies are fussy, and I honestly couldn't wait to return to work. I do feel guilty that someone else is essentially raising them all week, but man oh man, I can't do it. When do you return to work? Sorry if you mentioned that in a previous post....
Hang in there. No one expects you to be happy all the time! Twins are really hard!

Jules said...

You are an amazing mom. I don't know how you are watching them by yourself every day. I hope once you go back to work things will get better! You can email me anytime to commiserate!!!

waiting and wishing said...

Just like everyone ahead of me has said, you are not a bad mom. Mothering twins early on is REALLY STINKING HARD!
My boys are just a little older than Ella and Evan- one is MUCH harder than the other. Our tough one is the smaller of the two, has reflux and is just fussier. I hated that I was spending waaaay more time with him so we decided during the week Hubs would generally take care of our easy guy at night when he got home, and then on the weekends we'd switch. I'd spend my extra minutes with Henry while Hubs paced/bounced/shushed with Andy. The good news is, now that Andy is on the zantac for his reflux and we switched bottles (playtex ventaire advanced)he is a significantly happier baby. Please feel free to email me anytime to vent, commiserate, or to swap tricks! waitingnwishing at yahoo dot com.

Jill said...

So so familiar. All of it. Twins are incredibly hard and it sounds like you are doing everything you can. I wish I had some advice or something, but all I can say is that I am right there with you, struggling to get through each day. Strangers with twins keep telling me it will get easier. I keep telling myself that each day is a day closer to when it does.

Nichole said...

Just because you worked so hard to get your family doesn't mean you don't have the right to get frustrated, angry and vent. If that's the first time you've taken a shower while he was screaming you are an angel!! Babies can be very demanding and the experience I've had with foster care and at a nursery is that you feed them, burp them, change them, rock them, comfort them and if that doesn't work and if they still scream you put them down and walk away. Easier said than done when they're your own I'm sure!

I'm sorry things have been so tough. It will get better. Everything you're going through is normal and don't feel bad if sometimes you just want to take off running!

Jesica said...

You left a comment on my blog so I popped on over and thought I could offer a suggestion or two. One, does Evan possibly have a dairy sensitivity/allergy? When Baby Jett was 8 weeks old we ran into colic, he would NOT STOP SCREAMING and in the end it all came down to dairy, he stopped screaming, crying, spitting up, and the fussiness ceased, it was amazing! If you haven't already, try getting rid of dairy (if you're formula feeding, most are dairy and this is a challenge). And my other suggestion is hire a mother's helper for one day a week. Or even for just a few hours for one day a week. Regardless of the expense it sounds like it would be worth it for the sake of your sanity. Sometimes you NEED some time away from taking care of babies and 3 hours every week all to yourself could do wonders for your mental health. Good luck! I hope they start getting easier now that they're getting a little older!