Well, everything in my blogging world has been put on hold this week. Our iMac blew up. No, it didn't literally blow up, but the hard drive took a dump. It froze on the load up screen and one trip to the Apple store later we were told about the hard drive. Thankfully we had JUST backed up or we would have lost everything. Yikes. That's a lot of pics! If you haven't backed up in a while, I'd highly recommend it.
Now that the babies are 4.5 months old, I'm finally getting around to their 4 month update. At their 4 month appointment Evan came in weighing a whopping 12 lb 13 oz (20th percentile) and was 24 1/4" (25th percentile). Previously he was in the 10th percentile for height. Our little guy grew about 1.5 inches this past month! Way to go Evan!! Ella came in at a petite 12 lb (20th) and 22 3/4" (5th). She's a little girl! The pound that separates them can be easily felt when picking them up. Ella puked on the pediatrician (way to go Ella!!) and both babies rolled over for the MD, but other than that the appointment was uneventful.
They started to notice one another and smile at each other. They also love to touch one another. They've done a little 'twin talking' to one another and it is so adorable. The first time they starting jabbering at one another in a different voice than we have never heard my heart about exploded. It made the hard work of being a twin mama pay off.
Four months has been my favorite month so far! I know it's just going to keep getting better and better. These babies are growing so fast!
I have so many updates I want to write!! Overall, I'm doing fairly well. There are still days I feel completely overwhelmed, but other days I feel like a twin mom rockstar. Hopefully the rockstar days will outnumber the overwhelmed days. We've had napping boot camp at our house the past two weeks and have seen amazing results (I have a post in the works regarding this; our computer took a dump while I was writing it.)
This was an anticlimactic post, but babies are waking up so I must run!!
Our son, Evan, is a terrible napper. I have a post mostly written regarding what I've been doing this week to get him to nap (I am desperate)...but that is not what I'm going to share right now. I'm going to tell you about my experience yesterday. It has come to army crawling. Yes, this is my life. I couldn't make this shit up.
Evan was down for his afternoon nap and after a mere 30 minutes I heard him fussing. My heart started pounding. No! Not already! I gave him a few minutes to calm down, but I quickly realized his cries meant he was up. If he doesn't nap he turns into an extremely crabby baby and mom usually ends up crying at some point in the day. So you see, these naps are important. Really important. He needs them. I need them. We have to have them!
I cursed as I stopped cleaning the floors and ran up the stairs. I hesitated outside of his room. What could I do to make this successful? I want this baby to keep napping! Immediately I pulled up my sweatshirt to cover most of my face. The one eye that was showing was in a severe squint. (If he sees your face you're a gonner. He's up! We always joke that we are probably the only parents that hide from our baby.) I took a deep breath and headed in...
I sprinted in and swooped in from behind and placed his paci in his mouth. He instantly calmed. I rocked his Rock N Play for a few minutes while I planned my exit strategy.
His eyes were still partially open and I knew if he saw any part of me it was game over. He'd be wide awake and turn into a hot mess within the hour. I did what any mom desperate to get her baby to nap would do-I got down on the floor quitely and proceeded to army crawl out of his room. I felt so ridiculous at the lengths I was going to in order to keep my baby asleep that I had to run downstairs so I could bust into laughter. (I then felt a tad crazy because I was laughing hysterically alone in my living room. But, the baby went back to sleep so who cares?) I fired off a text to my husband to let him know it had come to army crawling and he texted back to say I'd be getting camo for Mother's Day.
Evan did sleep for another 40 minutes. Yes, my twin mom stealth mode instinct that kicked in worked and I'm not afraid to do it again.
I started a blog about cloth diapering, but I'll have to save that one for another day. I wanted to write about something more interesting. It's 4:00 and this is the first time I have been more than 1 ft away from a baby since 7 a.m. I feel like I'm practicing attachment parenting. How the hell does anyone do that? Ella is on her 4th outfit for the day, thanks to our old pal Puke. Yup, Puke deserves to be spelled with a capital 'P' because it is that much a part of our lives. The babies had their 4 month shots last week and those shots really screw with my babies. Has anyone else experienced this? Both have been on a Puke a thon since they got their shots. Little man has been running a low grade fever and they are both just fussy and needy. They are not themselves. The last time they had shots it took about 4-5 days for Evan to return back to normal. I feel bad for my little babies!
So, I have a new relationship to tell you about. It started a few months ago and I think it's the real deal. It's gotten serious. I'm completely in love. I'm in love with our Kuerig. I stand with bated breath every morning as I select my flavor of coffee. I feel the thrill of anticipation as I hear the sweet sound of my coffee pouring into my cup. I feel like a complete mess until I've had my first cup. Ahhh, steamy sweet energy boost in a cup. I love you.
Since this blog is entitled 'More Babies' I guess I should quit the BS and get to the point. I wish I got paid $1 for every time someone asked me if I want more kids. I could surely hire a part time nanny by now. Who am I kidding? I'd rather get $1 for every time a baby puked on me; then I could just retire. I think people in the South tend to be more intrusive than the Midwest. I feel like people ask a lot of personal questions, and being a Wisconsinite all my life, I'm just not used to this. I don't know. Maybe people just feel the need to ask intrusive questions once you have kids. Whatever the reason, I'm not a fan.
I was giving report at work last week, so there were about 8-10 of us sitting around chatting and getting report. One of the ladies I work with asks out of nowhere, 'Are you having more kids?' I laughed it off with a 'Let's wait until these grow a little.' But then she sprung a 'are you on birth control' question at me. Um...how is that any of your business? These are co-workers, some of which are men, and I was completely thrown by the question. I jokingly told her I was on 5 different types of BC to prevent any more kids and then I quickly changed the subject by talking about a patient's mucus. Sorry, but I really don't want to talk about birth control at work.
I know I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I'm asked CONSTANTLY if/when we want more babies. I have 4 month old twins. How the hell do I know if I want more kids?! I tend to just blow this question off with a 'let's let these babies grow up first and we'll see' kind statement.
(Note-Evan is now with me in the Moby since he was fussy. Here I go again practicing attachment parenting. I hate vaccinations.)
We all know people ask a lot of stupid questions, so this is just one of the many I have been asked recently. I still get a lot of questions regarding twins in my family and if we had twins 'naturally', if the twins are identical (even though they are dressed in very gender specific outfits-Yup! They are identical except for the penis he happens to have) etc.
People constantly inquring about the possibililty of additional children has got me thinking...where do we stand on this matter? We've talked about how many kids we wanted for years, but the number has always changed. Who knows if we could even have any more? I would never do a fresh IVF again and although we have 12 frozen embryos there is no guarantee they would result in children. It took us 4.5 years to have the twins so I know all too well that nothing is certain.
Obviously, we have our hands full currently so there are no plans of trying for more kids anytime soon. We've talked about someday trying the 'old fashion' way just to see what happens. I've always wanted a big family so maybe it's a possibility to defrost more embryos down the road. Once both kids head to school at the same time things might get too quiet in this house and I may get the itch for more babies. What if we have one more baby? Three kids is a lot...they outnumber you. Three means a bigger vehicle is a necessity because you can't have three kids piled across the backseat. Three means another college tuition, wedding, etc. to take care of. It would change a lot. If we decide this is it or get pregnant the old fashioned way, what will we do with our remaining 12 embryos? We've talked about possibly donated them to another couple. Possibly just keeping them frozen forever (I think they can remain frozen for 20 years? I'm too tired to look right now.) I don't know... For those of you who have frozen embryos and have babies, what are your plans?
I guess I really don't know what will happen or what we want in the future. I wish people would quit asking! I'm just going to enjoy the two babies I have right now. Every single day. We'll deal with the future when it gets here.
It is amazing how much has changed in a year... One year ago we made the choice to transfer these two embryos. I went back and read over the post I wrote a year ago regarding this and I found it hard to believe how much has changed since then. All the uncertainty, anxiety and hope came rushing back to me from a year ago. I felt so hopeful about our chances. I didn't think we could go through yet another disappointment. It's hard to believe that those two embryos turned into these two precious babies. All the tears, let downs, invasive appointments, long waits in waiting rooms, hour and a half drives to the clinic, loss, needles and money brought us here today. I'd do it all over again to get these two beautiful babies in our lives. I can't imagine life without them...this is the family we were meant to have. Sure, we had to fight like hell for it, but it makes us appreciate it all that much more. I hope everyone still in the trenches gets the family they have been fighting for. It's worth it all.
Tonight we're going on a hot date! It's the first time we're leaving both babies to go out together. I'm really looking forward to a nice uninterrupted dinner. I don't know how I will behave. A martini is calling my name! There are FOUR yes FOUR people coming over to watch the babies! It doesn't take that many, but it makes me feel much better about leaving them knowing there will be so many people here to help. They can be a handful...
Getting ready to go out on a hot date takes a lot more work than it used to. I had to get both babies ready, stock the diapers and wipes (I'm not going to make the babysitters use cloth diapers), get a ton of bibs (we go through about 12-16 bibs a day these babies puke so much!!), burp clothes, extra outfits and blankets ready. Plus I had to clean! I know people don't expect our house to be spotless, but when someone is coming over, I can't stand to have it a mess. I need everything clean and in it's place! So I've had a busy two days cleaning as well.
The babies had their 4 month appointment yesterday so they are both tired. Ugh, I hate those shots!! Evan slept from 8 am - 1pm today because of those damn shots. Since I had only one baby to take care of all morning, I got a taste of what it's like to only have one baby. WOW! It was so easy!! I'll update on stats and whatnot later...
AH! Both babies are up and calling for their mama!! I wonder if the babysitters will ever agree to come watch the babies again after tonight??
I've been told I'm one of those people that smiles all the time. That makes me sound annoying. I'm not one of those super perky annoying people though, I promise. But, I do love to laugh. I happen to think my husband is one of the funniest people I know. His humor sustains us during the trying times. We've certainly had our share of those times over the past 4.5 years.
Those middle of the night feedings suck. Am I right people? Evan has been waking up most nights to pound down 6 oz around 3 am lately. Typically I get up and change Evan while Collin makes a bottle for us and I feed him. Collin usually has a way of injecting his random comments into these middle of the night feedings that make them easier to tolerate.
The above picture is what Evan was sleeping in one of these middle of the night feedings. As I started to feed him, Collin said 'no wonder why Evan woke up to eat. You put him to bed in shoes. How's a guy supposed to sleep in cleats?' He then rolled over to go back to sleep and I was left cracking up.
Maybe I built that up too much and you won't find it funny at all. Maybe it was just funny because it was 3 am and I was slightly delirious from a lack of sleep. I don't know.
I mentioned in my last blog that Ella had the audacity to puke on the floor 30 minutes after I had cleaned it. That's the pic of her puke. I really shouldn't bother cleaning the floors...
What's going on this week? Babes have an appt for their 4 month checkup. Ugh. Shots.
I have friends coming over Friday to babysit and we are going on a HOT DATE.
Friday also happens to be the day that we thawed and transferred these two babies into my uterus a year ago.I have so many emotions regarding this...
We're trying to transition Ella into the crib. It's a slow process. We finally got her out of our room and into hers in her Rock N Play. Next step, getting her into the crib. I'm working on putting her up there for naps this week. She's currently on her second nap in her crib today. We got spoiled with temps in the 70's this weekend and I have a bit of spring fever.
Evan rolled over for the first time on Saturday. He proceeded to do it several times the rest of the weekend.
We're still cloth diapering and loving it.
One last pic, because I just adore these babies. It's been a wild 4 months, but it is amazing. I count my blessings every day. I don't want random pics of the babies all over the internet. Maybe I'm paranoid, but anyway, I'm going to remove the last pic in a day. I couldn't help but share it. I am so in love...
Have a great week everyone!!
Well, I did it, I returned to work and I survived to write about it. I was incredibly nervous going in mostly because of the line of work I'm in. I'm dealing with people's lives so it's kind of important to not screw something up. It was just like riding a bike; I was a bit wobbly at first but quickly got back into the groove. It's a busy time of year for hospitals so I even stayed over an hour to help get the next round done. It felt good to be out of the house and using my brain. Collin survived putting the babes to bed on his own. It wasn't completely smooth sailing, but he made it work. I absolutely love seeing him as a dad...for him to get this chance was what kept me going during the hard times and it was completely worth it all. Dare I say I enjoyed working? I did...that feels odd to say... I just sent in my Feb schedule for hours and it felt great.
The babies have both been a bit high maintenance since the holidays. We attributed it to having family here and having schedules completely thrown off. Well, they've been acting whacky for way too long for that to be the issue. I think what we have been experiencing is/was the three month growth spurt. They've been unusually fussy, eating weird, refusing to nap, not sleeping through the night etc. I think we're nearing the end of it, however, because things seem to be getting back on track. It's been a rough couple of weeks! Yesterday, our CEO, Evan, was smiling ALLLLL day long and didn't have any fussy periods. We also added in Gripe Water for Evan. We tried it before Xmas and he seemed generally happier, but then got busy with the holidays and never got another bottle. We thought it was worth a shot and started him back on it (I add 5 ml's to his day time bottles) and low and behold he is a happy boy again! Could it be a coincidence? Certainly. But whether or not it is simply a coincidence or it's actually working, we're going to stick with it for the time being. When Evan is happy he is smiling all the time. It's beautiful. I've been waiting for this! Ella had a screaming episode in the afternoon-her first time doing this for me. I think Evan is out of the growth spurt and Ella is nearing the end (hopefully). Although, now that this is nearly over, I've learned that something else is probably looming around the corner waiting to throw a wrench in things. That's what makes it fun-never knowing what's going to happen!
I think I'm getting spoiled from the last two days...the babies have been so well behaved! Yesterday I was able to get a few loads of laundry done, the floors vacuumed and mopped and I cooked dinner. Um..what?! Today, although it's not even noon yet, I was able to start cleaning our bathroom (I should be finishing it instead of blogging..) and I got veggies chopped to make split pea soup for tonight. How is this happening? Yesterday was so good that my husband went out to lunch with friends instead of coming home to give me an hour of help. I also got a lot of quality play time in with both babies. YES. This is AMAZING. Of course, right after I got the floors cleaned I was carrying Ella and she turned her head and puked all over the floor. Eh, at least it was clean for 30 minutes.
Speaking of puke, Ella pukes ALL.THE.TIME. We go through a bib during and after every bottle and 1-2 burp cloths as well. Typically 2-4 outfits a day. Geez. That adds up to a lot of laundry. That poor girl. She'll have puke running down her chin and smile at you with her lopsided grin and it is the cutest thing. Our pediatrician wasn't too concerned about it when we mentioned it at their 3 month appt. She's growing fine. She's on thick formula that's supposed to help spit up. We've been told we just need to wait it out...
Laying is soooo out in this house. Sitting is soooo in. The babies are no longer happy laying in the boppy pillow and don't play on the play mat as long as they used to. They always want to sit/stand now. When they are in the boppy, it's funny to see them trying to sit up. Collin bought a doorway jumper and they LOVE it! Evan was in it for a good 45 minutes the first time he was in it. He's a strong baby and loves when you hold him up to stand. Ella rolled over for the first time at 3.5 months (it was New Years Eve). We both got to see it :) We were smiling so much you would have thought we won the lottery.
I've been getting weirdo spam comments on my blog and I had to change the settings. There were two options- Allow registered users (including OpenID) to comment or users with Google accounts. I picked the first one. I hope I did the right thing and people can still comment on my blog.
What else? We're also switching over to cloth diapers and I'm loving it! I'll post more on that later...
The house still feels different without our kitty Omar. Our second cat, Sawyer, is seeming a bit lost. He follows me everywhere and meows at me constantly. It's sad... I'm not sure what to do for him. I try to give him attention and play with him while I can. I think he misses his playmate, but I don't think we need to add a cat to our family right now...
Evan looks like he got into a fight on the play mat. He has 2 big scratches on his face. I have no idea how he managed this one, because I just cut his nails.
Baby socks are lame. They don't stay on.
I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel before and I was fooled. I hope this time it actually is the light and things are getting easier. You know that old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in
Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me —
you can't get fooled again...or something like that.
What's that I hear? NOTHING! It's silent. The babies are still sleeping! I guess I'll go finish cleaning our bathroom...
**I jinxed myself...as soon as I hit post, Ella woke up crying. The bathroom will have to wait.**
Thank you all so much for the comments on my last blog! This blogging community has been so supportive and for that, I thank you. My bad morning turned into a bad afternoon and evening...reading the encouragement from all of you meant a lot to me. THANK YOU!
On to the post I started, but didn't finish yesterday.... With the whirl of holiday prep, family coming from out of town and planning a baptism, things have been nothing short of chaotic at our house. The day we had family coming in from Wisconsin, our cat, Omar, died. We had a busy morning and sat down to a late lunch. Collin commented on Omar playing with one of his favorite toys and we both stopped at watched him for a minute. We finished lunch and went to clean up. I started walking down the hall and there was Omar, laying still. He died unexpectedly and our hearts are broken. At least he did not suffer. We adopted him 7 years ago and he saw us through so many life changes... I like to think he knew we had our family now and we would be okay. Losing our Omar, our first pet and our family member, certainly put a damper on the holidays.
Aside from losing Omar, we were able to have a great holiday. We had family in town from WI and IA. Collin was off of work for two weeks. Lots of family time!! We had the twins baptized on Christmas Eve. It took a lot of prep work to get them dressed and ready and try to avoid getting puke on their beautiful outfits. We succeeded. The church service was lovely. Prior to us doing the frozen embryo transfer, I sat in church not really listening to the sermon but rather was lost in my own thoughts and prayers. I prayed through the service to let the transfer work. I had my eyes closed at one point and I opened them to the sun cascading through one of the stained glass windows. Despite it being a cloudy day, the sun shined bright and I could feel it on my face. It felt like it was shining only on me and felt like it was meant specifically for me. Although I am not a deeply religious person, I felt like it meant something. A sign if you will. As soon as we got our positive pregnancy test, I went back to that moment in church. I'll never forget the feeling I had in that moment. Directly after the twins were baptized, we sat down in the pew and despite the rain and clouds outside, again there was a stream of sunlight shining in on us. I got the same feeling. I nudged my husband and told him to look at it. I teared up. I felt the same peaceful feeling wash over me that I felt while I prayed about our upcoming FET. It was beautiful. It had to mean something.... Our prayers have been answered and everything is going to be okay.
What a blessing to have our families with us for our first Christmas. It was very special to all of us. The twins got absolutely spoiled by their grandparents and great grandparents!! It took us hours to open gifts! Those are two lucky kids.
Now that the excitement of the holidays are over, it's time to get back to the grind. Ugh. I have been off of work for 24 weeks. Eight weeks before the twins arrived and 16 weeks with the twins. The time has come to return to work.
I work PRN at two different hospitals so I can pick my schedule. A blessing! I don't get benefits of any kind, so all 24 weeks off were unpaid. Yuck. I am incredibly lucky to have had this time off with our new family. It would not have happened without us stashing away cash in the past few years nor without my amazing husband!! We made the decision before we had kids that we wanted to avoid daycare if at all possible for a myriad of reasons. At the same time, I do not want to be a full time stay at home mom. We'd have to make some sacrifices to live long term off of one income (I have lots of family vacay's planned in my head that won't happen on one income. Um, twins are expensive AND we'd like to retire one day). I went to college for 6 years of my life so I'm going to use those degrees!! Plus, I miss the social interaction and need for critical thinking skills that come with work...my brain has turned to mush staying at home with twin infants.
So here's the plan on the big old return to the working world: I will gradually work my way up to about 15-20 hours per week depending on how things are going at night with the babies (the husband needs to get sleep since he's the breadwinner in this family). I'll be working evening shifts and some night shifts. Once the babies are sleeping through the night and have more predictable schedules I'll be able to pick up more hours. Local churches have a mother's day out program twice a week that I'd like to get the kids into once they are older as well. That will give me the opportunity to pick up more hours too. While I'll be working, I'll still be able to stay home.
It will mean some sacrifices on both our parts. I will be tired because I can't be in bed by 9 p.m. My husband will be on his own to get the kids to bed by himself some nights. We'll get less time to spend together as a family because I'll be picking up some weekend hours. However, this is what we think will work for us. It is worth the lack of sleep to keep the kids at home with us.
I'm torn over how I feel about my work return. Part of me is filled with trepidation. Part of me is looking forward to getting out of the house. We've been living in a bubble of sorts and things are about to change!
I feel like, in terms of returning to work, I get to have my cake and eat it too. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to work some and yet stay at home. I'm very thankful we do not have to place our kids in daycare this young. My husband is beyond amazing for allowing this to happen; I hope the babies will behave for him!! I only hope the transition goes smoothly....
I started a blog yesterday that was a holiday wrap up/return to work preview, but I don't have the heart to finish it. I've had a horrible morning...I've had one or both babies screaming and crying since I woke up at 7am this morning. It's just one of those days...
A lot of the blogs I have read regarding infertiles having children are all centered around a 'I have a baby now, everything is perfect' kind of attitude. It's been difficult for me because although I am happy in many aspects, there have been some incredibly difficult minutes/hours/day/weeks. I feel like I do not have a right to vent my frustrations because I have begged for this opportunity for so long. It's finally here-our family. I should be happy. Well, a lot of the time, I am not...
Having two babies is incredibly difficult. I manage them on my own all day while my husband is at work. We don't have any family in the state. I have friends that are willing to watch the babies, but Evan is such a fussy baby I do not feel comfortable leaving him with someone else for fear that they would run away crying. He makes my days very complicated sometimes...
He had reflux. We got meds and saw a lot of improvements.
He had colic. He's grown out of the 1-3 hour screaming fits he threw every evening.
He's generally a fussy baby. If I didn't have another one I wouldn't know the difference, but having another baby that is happy and content makes it clear to me that he is anything but fussy.
He won't nap. He throws fits when he is tired. They can last from 20 minutes-1 hour (today was the first time this lasted an hour). I watch for tired cues and sometimes he goes down without a hitch. Other times, like today, he simply won't have it.
I lost it today...He got up at 7:30 and played for a while then ate. He was then obviously tired so I put him down for a nap. He cried. I got him up and sang/rocked him for a while and put him back down. Screaming ensued. I did the sing/rock and put down thing a few times, but with no success. Finally, I got frustrated and put him in his crib and walked away. He was changed, fed and simply tired but refusing to sleep (this is a common theme for him and I don't know what to do). I went to shower so I wouldn't hear him crying. I could feel my frustration level building and I had to get away. Mother of the year here... I got out of the shower and he was crying, but not screaming anymore so I went to pick him up and tried soothing him further. Then Ella was up and wanted to eat so I had to do the best I could with him while feeding another baby. He didn't calm down.
Next, he was ready to eat again so I fed him, but he'd only take 2 oz. These two are usually eating 4-7 a session so I knew he wasn't full, but he would scream when I put the bottle up to his mouth. I couldn't get him to calm down so I finally just put him in the tub and got him ready for the day. Of course while he was in the tub he was smiling and giggling at me, but the second he got out the screaming started again. This time his sister joined in because she was ready to eat again.
I got overly frustrated with the entire situation (about 4 hours passed at this point) and I felt like I was going to explode. I was angry and frustrated. I went downstairs and screamed and swore at the walls. I took some deep breaths and went back upstairs to feed the babies. He ate another 2 oz and Ella only cried and refused to eat. Both finally passed out 4.5 hours later...
Sometimes I feel like I can handle this and I have a great grasp on what's going on. Other days are complete chaos (yesterday was an awful day as well) and I simply do not know what to do. I sat on the couch and sobbed while feeding the babies. Am I cut out for being a mom? Do I deserve to have these two beautiful children? Sometimes I don't know... Sometimes I think they would be better without me. Is a mom that gets frustrated and angry a benefit to have around? Maybe I am a bad mom. Maybe I'm just tired and need a break. I don't know. I keep waiting for the screaming to subside. I don't know what to do with Evan. He requires so much attention that I feel like he is robbing his sister of my attention. Ella is such an easy baby it's so easy to spend a lot of time and energy on calming down Evan. Is there something wrong with him? Are they going to turn out with lots of emotional issues because they can sense how tense their mom gets? I finally have a family that I have dreamed of for years so why can't I just be happy every second of the day?
I don't know what to do...I have a to do list a mile long and I should absolutely not be blogging while I finally have some quiet time, but I had to write out my feelings. I feel better already...
It's been a bad morning, but I know there is hope for a better afternoon. I just wish I knew how to be a better mom...
