I knew I couldn't remain optimistic forever...I received a call yesterday to inform me my Estrodiol was 27. This is an acceptable number to move forward with the injections on Friday. I know it's not exciting news, but in this infertility game, you have to celebrate any and every victory. Great news.
I did an inventory of our stockpile of meds. I read over our calendar for the 100th time to make sure we have the timeline down. I’ve been taking the shots in the stomach like clockwork. I looked through the checking/savings accounts and saw a considerable chunk of money missing. Everything seemed to hit home all of a sudden.
We are actually doing this. We are doing IVF. We are making test tube babies. We are embarking on a brand new adventure that has an unknown ending. When we started out on this journey, I thought a few meds would make this whole thing work. I never imagined life would bring us here. I never anticipated how many tears I’d shed over something I’ve never had. Collin and I have worked diligently over the past 9 years making many of our dreams come to fruition. We’ve always shared the idealism that you can make anything you want happen as long as you’re willing to put in hard work along the way. We’ve put in more then our fair share of hard work when it comes to infertility, but it seems this is the one thing we can’t accomplish.
I’ve been reading a lot of blogs; there are many out there that offer great support and have offered a much-needed glimpse into what the next few weeks entail. However, for as many inspirational stories I have read about women in the same situation as myself that end in pregnancy and a baby after 1 IVF, there are dozens of harrowing stories of women have gone through IVF 3-4 times and have nothing to show for it aside from bruises, tears and an empty bank account. I read a blog today of a lady who lost her twins at 20 weeks. It was a despairing read. Why do things like this happen??
So here I sit…questioning. What do we do if this doesn’t work? Where do we go from here? Do we continue to drain our bank accounts while chasing this dream? When do we throw our arms up and admit defeat? Can we admit defeat? Is this the one thing we can’t achieve no matter how hard we try? What if this results in pregnancy and another miscarriage? What if this actually works? What will we do with all our time, energy and resources if we’re not devoting it entirely to infertility?
The list goes on and on… I’m just starting to worry. I want this more than anything. I hope these questions go away. I worked a 12 hr night shift last night and I’m hoping between feeling ill (I’ve had a headache I haven’t been able to get rid of for 2 days) and tired, this will pass with some warm tea, time and yoga. This uneasiness that has taken over my day is really starting to be a drag.There’s no stopping now. We’re in this up to our eyeballs. I just hope it works….the alternative seems unbearable.