Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Mom Friends

Years ago when I was walking around with two babies growing in my belly I had fantasized what life would be like after their arrival. Before babies I was working full time nights as a Respiratory Therapist. I was giving up my FT night hours to stay home with the babies. I was ecstatic about the transition! I pictured endless play dates with new mom friends.  I thought I'd be running errands without makeup, my hair up and two littles in tow. I could foresee coffee dates and gossip about mom life with my fellow mom friends. I pictured an easy transition to staying home and thought it was going to be the best thing ever!

Well, here we are 2.5 years post the twins arrival. Reality has set it. I am still staying home with the twins, but the stay at home mom life is not as glorious as I pictured it to be. I have a few mom friends, but none that I would call best friends. I couldn't call them up and be comfortable having them over to my messy house at any time. I am certainly not out breezily running errands or chatting up friends at a coffee shop. 

Taking the kids on a play date means I have to keep a close eye on Evan because he is in a 'does not share well with others' phase. Both of my kids are energetic. VERY energetic. They are always the wild kids. ALWAYS. I have always left play dates feeling frustrated from my kid's behavior. These two have a zest for life. I love it most of the time, but taking them out places alone can be challenging. They are always the most energetic kids in group settings and I always feel the other moms are judging me. Come on, they are 2!

All of this being said, I do not sit at home with them. We go out all the time. I have made plans with friends and met them out, but honestly, I'm so busy chasing my kids around I barely have time to chat with the other moms. I find it is much easier to just head out on an adventure with the 3 of us. I can chat a little with other moms that are out, but I don't feel the need to talk the entire time we are out. I find this frustrating, but I haven't found any moms I've really connected with who also stay home with their kids.

Was I dreaming too much about how wonderful mom life would be? Whenever we go out, it seems there are always groups of moms hanging out chatting. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in some of these places without a friend. I guess I feel lonely sometimes staying home. I thought we'd be out hanging out with other moms more. Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on this. Maybe it is something that will happen as the kids grow up and need less of my attention. 

Whenever I should have 20 minutes to myself it never fails, one of the kids will wake up early from a nap... ah!!! I've been trying to write this for over a week, so although it's not really finished I'm going to go ahead and hit publish!!


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't say my kids are wild kids but I still don't get much opportunity to talk at play dates unless the kids are putting food in their faces LOL. They need a lot of attention, even not being wild or destructive, they just need me to pay attention to them. Sometimes if I am lucky out of an hour I can get 15 minutes of conversation. Sometimes we are in a good spot, like outside with enough trees and sticks and leaves, that they can play alone so I can get more than that. But it probably also has to do with them not wanting me to pay attention to anyone else.

The SAHM life sounds glamorous to someone who is working .. you see these women chatting it up at cafes and breezily running errands. Anyone who looks like they're breezy has done a lot of prep and you're catching them in a brief moment! I have great moments with the kids in the grocery store (for example) but I also have bad ones, like when one of them has a meltdown because I'm letting the other one hold the tortillas. What are you going to do.

I also feel like often I see moms chatting together and I am left out, but that is kind of how I always feel in almost every social situation like my whole life. It doesn't help that my attention is divided more than theirs, and that my kids will go to opposite sides of the room and expect me to somehow be involved in their play (or at least I still expect myself to keep them safe). Twin life! You're not alone!

waiting and wishing said...

This really resonates with me. I think so much of this is a twin parent struggle. Having two the same age is really difficult in social situations- two infants/ crawlers was one thing, but two non-listening FAST toddlers that run in two different direction is impossible. We do things with other moms/kids when my kiddos can be in the stroller the whole time and still be engaged- that gives me some adult time and they are having fun too. Things like a long walk in an interesting area or a trip to the zoo. I've also found our backyard is the ideal playdate- my kids are way more well behaved in OUR backyard because they already know what is ok and I don't have to feel stressed about what they may trample/get into. We invite friends over often and I have a lot more chances to sit and talk this way- it's totally worth it to always be the host. The cost of a few more Popsicles is absolutely worth my sanity! I've also loved being a part of Mops- the boys go to the childcare and i get two hours with other moms once a month- I've met some really great local moms this way too!
Hang in there mama, it can't be this hard forever... I hope :) Until then, virtual twin mama friends UNITE!!!

Jules said...

I can so relate to this even though I'm a FT working mom. I also feel like I never get to have fun play dates with friends and their kids. But for me it's just because there's never time. Forget weekdays, and the weekends are so full of errands and cleaning the house and getting things in order just to start the next week...I feel like we don't get to have any fun. "All joy and no fun." Ugh. So that probably didn't help you. But truthfully doing anything with twins this age is near impossible without making one or both parents very irritable.