Struggling

For no particular reason, it has just been one of those weeks... (If you are in the trenches, you may not want to read this. I'm going to complain about babies. Yes, I struggled and waited years for them so why am I complaining? I feel guilty...but for my sanity-of which there is very little-I'm doing it.)

It took us a week to get over the great hand-foot-and-mouth disease outbreak of 2013. While we were down and out, the 'to do' list kept getting longer. Normally we can stay on top of all the necessary things that need to be done (for the most part). However, being out for a week just led to everything piling up and I don't have the energy to catch up. Sleep has been shit since they were sick. Ella finally starting sleeping through the night this week. Evan has been touch and go...I think he has a molar coming in so that doesn't help. Have I mentioned how much I HATE teething?

We seem to be transitioning to a one nap a day schedule based on the refusal of naps had by both babies this week. Lately they have been getting up around 7:30-8, going down for a nap around 10:15-10:30, waking up around 12 and going down around 3-3:30 for 45 min-1 hour. I get up with them in the morning and then shower, clean up and start to prepare lunch during their morning nap. When one refuses to nap in the morning, this throws a wrench in things.... I need this break. This ME time. I haven't been getting it and I can't get anything done!!! The next baby refuses to nap in the afternoon so again, I can't get anything done! 

It's especially draining when I have to work in the evening. I need as much time during the day as possible to get things ready for their dinner/ours, get my work stuff together and try to clean up/prep everything for my husband to make it a little easier on him. He comes home around 5:30 and I have to get ready and get out the door by 6:15. So you see, when I've had a baby up with me all day long it's just difficult.

I've mentioned this several times, but in case you missed it, we have no family around. We live in TN and they all live in WI/IA/SD. I know it's our choice. I stand by it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause stress. For 13 months now, we've gone out as husband and wife only a handful of times. We never get a break. I never get a break. I stay home with them all the time. I rush off to work 2-3 times a week (I get home around 11:30-12:30 when I work so I get in bed and fall asleep about an hour later). The weekends are spent trying to cram in grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry and all other random to do things because there is no time during the week. I'd like to be able to do more fun family things, but most the time we are exhausted from everything going on and don't get to it. I want to have friends over, but I rarely have the energy to clean and cook. I'm with the babies all weekend long unless I go out grocery shopping or run some other errand. My point is, I am exhausted!!!

I'm seriously behind on mandatory training at one of my jobs (I was told last night to catch up or I wouldn't be able to work there). I need CEU's in order to keep my license for my job and I have ZERO. Yes 0. I have to finish 10 (1 CEU/hour of training) by the end of the year. Five of the hours have to be in person and 5 can be on the internet. I have a dentist appointment and OB appointment that are overdue (how do I go to an appointment when my husband works 8-5 M-F?) 

I feel like I have little support. I'll tell family I'm struggling or having a hard time and I never get helpful responses... We've all been there. Hang in there. It get's better. Doesn't help when you have cranky babies and are tired of treading water. I don't have time to stay in touch with friends. I'm a horrible friend these days. If I can manage a text, email or a 10 minute phone call it's a big deal. I went out for a friend's birthday dinner last week and this was a monumental event! I feel lonely... There have been plenty of days I've convinced myself I'm not cut out for this and dreamed of running away and starting over. I have even applied for a few jobs on my most desperate days.

I am tired. So tired. I need a break. We both do. We all do. In order to be a better mom and wife something has to change... For these reasons, we broke down and paid to sign up on care.com ($30 thanks to a $10 promo code). I posted an ad for a part time nanny position and we've had 22 people apply. Some I wouldn't trust to water a plant (hi there. i have two babies but I can watch yours. they real pretty...um no thank you!), but some were great candidates. We're interviewing 3 people this weekend and hopefully hiring one and having a back up person as well. I absolutely do not want to pay someone $10-12 an hour to hang out with our kids and I'm leery of leaving them with ANYONE (even family) because I do it better, but I have to get over this... I have a serious 'I can do it all. I'm Wonder Woman' complex I think. I used to be able to do it all. I've always been able to juggle whatever came my way, but for the first time I'm failing at life.

I'm hanging on by a thread. Did I mention I sat in our shower and cried for a good 20 minutes this morning? 

I hope the nanny is the answer. I hope having 3-5 hours a week to myself to get things done will help me feel more refreshed. Getting out once a month to go on a date sounds dreamy. I'm not sure what the answer is, but hopefully this will bring some kind of relief.

Evan is down here with me since he refused to nap this morning and he just knocked over the paper shredder. The FULL paper shredder. As if I didn't have enough to do already. Time to wrap up and get ready for the lunch crowd.