Crabby Tuesday

I'm not sure what my deal is today, but I'm an emotional mess. I just got off the phone with a nurse at the clinic and cried...
I have all the info for the FET (frozen embryo transfer), we ordered the meds and I started taking the required birth control pills. I'm waiting to hear back from the financial coordinator re: cost for this cycle because we didn't get to the transfer on the last cycle. This should be a *clearance* IVF cycle since the money we didn't use for the fresh cycle will carry over and the meds cost a minuscule $50. $50! What a bargain!!
So why the sad face? I don't know if I'm overly tired (worked 53 hrs last week of both day and night shifts), starting the pills are making me edgy, I'm apprehensive to hop on the infertility treatment wagon once again or any combination of the above.
I thought we would not begin this process until mid Jan, but the injections start on Dec 27th. Surprise! The transfer is tentatively scheduled for Jan 18-a day I'm scheduled to work 7pm-7am. Wonderful! My first ultrasound appointment is on Jan 5 and I'm working a stretch of 3 nights during that time AND the earliest appointment I can get is 10 am. I have to work until 7am, stay up to head to the MD at 10am, come home and try to sleep a maximum of 4.5 hrs before heading in for another 12 hour night. Stupendous! This cycle includes Progesterone injections (I've had these before and they freaking hurt!) Terrific! Collin has tentative plans to be on a business trip when I'm supposed to be getting some of these injections which means I may get to give them to myself. Fantastic!
F%$#!!!!!!
Every other time we've started a new treatment cycle I've met the cycle with unbeaten optimism and soaring hope. Not this time. I'm over it. I'm more then fatigued by this entire process both emotionally and physically.
Infertility sucks. I loath it. I want to kick it in the face.
I am tired of fighting today.
I'm going to give myself the day to be a wreck and feel sorry for myself and my situation.
Tomorrow I can pick up the pieces and move forward, but not today...

Life Lately

It's hard to believe the holidays will soon be upon us. Although I've been going through the motions, this time of year seems to be a bit difficult. I suppose it is for anyone going through infertility...

The company my husband works for hosts an angel tree for Christmas through the Salvation Army. It has tags for a bunch of children in the area who are in need (many foster kids). The children write their clothing sizes, shoe size and one big wish for Christmas. The idea is to buy the child one complete outfit (shirt, pants, shoes, socks, underwear, coat etc.) and at least one toy (hopefully you can get them the one big item they wished for).
Last year was our first time taking part in the angel tree. We were both shocked to see how many of Collin's co-workers took part making children's Christmas dreams come true. There were a lot of big items people generously purchased-lots of bikes! We felt the need to spread some Christmas cheer again this year, so we set aside a random night during the week and headed to Target to spoil our angel kid named Faith. (I thought the name was a bit ironic given our circumstances.) Anyway, Faith is an 11 year old girl who's Christmas wish was makeup and hair accessories. To think of all things a kid could wish for, (last year our kid wanted a digital camera) Faith merely wanted makeup and hair accessories. Out of anything she could have asked for, she asked for something simple most 11 year old girls already have and probably take for granted. We were both moved and felt the need to spoil this girl for Christmas! We wandered through Target picking out items for our angel, feeling blessed to be able to help someone in need. I have no idea where she is or when she will get her gifts, but I sincerely hope she loves them! I hope we have a positive impact on this little girl and I hope making her Christmas wish come true makes her have an amazing Christmas. Below is a pic of what we bought. Merry Christmas Faith!!!
Aside from this, we've been discussing our next infertility battle: the frozen transfer. We had intended to do the transfer in Jan, but now that the date is approaching, we've both had cold feet. It is incredibly nice to live your life and not worry about your next appointment, injection or pill to swallow. I enjoy not having to shoot myself up with all these medications that make me feel slightly insane (Collin may claim they make me seem certifiably insane). No matter how you cut it, the process takes over your life and you don't feel like yourself.
Here's my (crazy) thought process: I want to enjoy being my 'normal' hormone free self a little longer (I can't fully express how AMAZING it truly is). I've been picking up a bunch of hours at work (bc I don't have to center my work schedule around infertility appts) and the extra money is so nice! We've been training for a 5k (it's going well and we're in week 3 in case you were wondering) and I'd like to continue to run and get in shape. All of these things make me want to delay the transfer.
On the other hand, I'm so freaking tired of waiting to get pregnant, I don't want to wait any longer! I have some friends who want to come visit in Feb and I'd much rather spend *much needed* girl time with them and not have to run off to throw my legs in stirrups for an appointment. I've already left myself a light work schedule in Jan in anticipation of upcoming appointments. My last IVF experience was so horrific, I'm hesitant to jump into any more treatment, but I know a frozen cycle is much easier then a fresh cycle.
The list goes on and on. We have come to the conclusion that there is never a good time to do IVF. Life is busy, things get in the way and that's just the way it is.
I called the clinic today to get a schedule for a transfer in January. I need to get the next round of drugs and figure out what a frozen transfer entails. I received a call from a nurse this afternoon and she let me know the MD would have a complete calendar for me tomorrow.
I'm working tomorrow, so of course I won't be able to take the phone call, but I'll be checking my phone like a mad woman every time I have a break. Here's to 2012!