Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Shoulding All Over Myself

 Whenever I have a free second (honestly I do get minutes here and there but it FEELS more like only a second), I feel like there is something I SHOULD be doing. Both babies are sleeping-I should throw in a load of pukey baby clothes, I should vacuum the cat/dog hair off of the wood floors (I wish we had carpet to hide the hair these days), I should figure out what we're going to eat for dinner, I should pump, I should schedule the follow up appointment for our dog (we don't have our hands full enough these days...our dog has been sick as well), I should write a blog, I should call the Pastor about the  baptism, I SHOULD I SHOULD I SHOULD!!! AHHH!!

My grandma (who I swear must be part angel she is that wonderful) came down for a week because I was drowning. Grandma to the rescue-I had a frustrating few days (we have a baby with colic/reflux/random constipation to boot. UGH!) and at one point I found myself sitting on the stairs crying and fantasizing about running away to Denver to visit friends and ski. Then I felt guilty for wanting to run away because we've waited so long for these babies and then I cried more. Shouldn't I just be happy all the time because we have our family? I feel like I SHOULD, but I've had a lot of frustration over the past few weeks. It was at this point that I sent out a desperate text to my mom and she immediately started booking my grandma's flight down. She came at a time when I/we needed her most...

I've been feeling guilty because Evan is so fussy and neither one of us can figure out why. It's heart breaking to watch your baby cry and listen to him scream (another reason I want carpet-sound absorption!) and NOT be able to stop it. It's an energy, happiness and time drainer. My grandma, bless her heart, reassured us that we are doing everything we can to help him. Some babies just cry. She also drove home the idea of me not feeling like I should all the time. She admitted she had no idea how busy we truly are (I think this goes for most people...they think 'I have kids, I get it' but unless you have twins and one with endless crying fits you really don't get it.) She told me it was okay to let the laundry go, let the floors be dirty, let the dishes sit in the dishwasher instead of rushing to put them away. All of these are difficult for me to let go and I have been driving myself crazy over the upkeep of the house. I like a clean house. I can't stand to have things lying around and/or dirty, but it's impossible to keep everything the way I want it. It's been frustrating... Hearing from Grandma to let the shoulding go was what I needed to hear. Sure, the husband has said the same thing, but coming form an outside source made all the difference. Am I completely over trying to keep everything perfect? Nope. I'm still thinking of many things I should do, but I'm better able to accept what I can't get done. My grandma's week long visit was amazing. She's the kindest person I know. I need to keep working on letting the shoulding go because it's driving me crazy.

It will get better. I've heard this about 4 dozen times and I'm waiting every day! Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of fabulous things going on and we laugh daily over what the twins are doing, but it's not all rainbows and butterflies. We have Evan on Enfamil A.R. formula.  It has rice starch in it so it's thicker and helps with the reflux. When he was on breastmilk he would scream and cry through every feeding. He'd grab at his face and eyes in pain and feeding him was an awful experience. We also started him on Zantac twice a day. He's also drinking 1 oz prune juice to 2 oz water combo once a day to help with the constipation (side effect of the thicker formula). Things have improved. He doesn't scream through every feeding (I felt incredibly guilty about him not being able to have breastmilk) and he doesn't scream and grunt for an hour before he has a bowel movement anymore. He's still generally fussy and has periods of crying for no reason, but colic is supposed to be over around 3 months and we're only a few weeks away.... Colic is horrible. There have been evenings where he cried on and off for HOURS!! I can't tell you how frustrating it has been. I feel like I'm having a hard time connecting and bonding with him because he seems to only sleep and cry. Thankfully our Ella is a dream come true! She is the easiest baby in the world!! Whenever I feel myself getting edgy from dealing with Evan for an extended period of time, I'll see her smiling away at me and it makes everything better. She's quite the flirt these days:) 

I have so much more I want to update about, but this is all I have time for today because Mr. Evan is fussy and I need to go tend to him. It's a short week with Thanksgiving, but it seems like it's been a full five days for me. Family has caused some disappointment for us this week and Evan has been extremely fussy...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! We have so much to be thankful for this year!


6 comments:

S said...

Oh, dear Amber, your post takes me back to the early days with my own twins. They both had reflux, and I remember how awful it was to have them scream and cry through feedings. I'm sorry you've been going through that.

No, parenting twins is not all rainbows and butterflies, but it's true that they won't be in this phase forever. Our sons had completely outgrown their reflux and feeding issues by 9 months. They are 10 months old now (and challenging in new and different ways).

You're grandma is right: Let go of the shoulds. I have no doubt that you are doing an excellent job.

Happy Thanksgiving!

KW said...

I had one easy twin, one with reflux/milk sensitivity. Our magic combo was Zantac AND Prevacid and the formula Nutramigen. We used the concentrated version of Nutramigen in the can and added water--the powdered form is a bit thin. It was a lifesaver! They do grow out of it--but I wouldn't wish reflux on my worst enemy. Advocate for your little man and ask for the Prevacid if the Zantac doesn't cut it alone. We also added probiotics to their formula. Bio Gaia and Udo's Choice infant probiotics were recommended by our pediatrician. My kiddos are 2 and in the 96th percentile for weight and eat like champs! You are in survival mode for now--getting through the day is the goal. I promise it gets better...

Allison Henak said...

What wonderful advice from your grandma. You are doing so well and going so much to your babies, and that is all that matters. The housework will always be there but Evan and Ella don't need hair free floors or nicely organized clothes. They need a mommy who is happy and healthy and has the opportunity to decompress at least once a day.

It's true that people with one baby don't know how much more difficult two are, and people with happy babies don't know how much more difficult fussy (and especially refluxy) babies are. But above all, no one really knows what you are going through but you, so please do what you can to seek out the help and support you need when you need it - like crying to your mom and getting your grandma in to town. Husbands are wonderful and amazing, but they just can't help us feel better all the time.

Lots of love to you and wishing your family a blessed thanksgiving. We all have so very much to be thankful for this year!

MaryMargaret said...

Are you living my life? Because your post sounds like an excerpt to our saga with twins, too. Oh the guilt over wanting to run away- I had a breakdown at dinner on our date last week, when Paul asked me if I was happy. Sending lot of hugs your way as you muddle through. I have no doubt it gets better, but when you're barely keeping your head above water, it's hard to see the shore.

robin said...

We are in survival mode! Infant twins are like tornadoes constantly threatening to take down the house. Some days are great but most days feel like I'm treading water. Both our babies have reflux but thankfully not to the pint of medication yet. Sometimes they both scream during / after meals, then start spitting up, yay. Oh yes and the screaming while pooping.

Honestly what gets me through it is I go out every day. ESPECIALLY when they are screamy. I load them ino the stroller and we go for a walk. Sometimes they "reset" after the walk and sometimes not, but usually while on the walk they are both silent, sleeping, and peaceful. It has saved my sanity.


Also I totally understand wanting to run away. I hate to say it but almost every time I have managed to get out on my own the thought has come to me not to go back. I have adorable pictures of my babies on my phone and I feel better about going back. But definitely the first time I was out alone I was hyperventilating thinking of going home :(

Amber said...

@S-thank you!! Hearing this makes me feel so much better...

@KW-Do you have a blog?? Thank you so much for the advice. I can see how we will definitely need to be advocates for the little ones. When I mentioned some of these issues at their 1 month appt I felt like the pediatrician kind of blew it off like 'ahh new parents.' Thanks for the advice!