Somewhere Only We Know

9 Weeks

2012-03-05T13:33:00.005-08:00

Technically I'm 9 weeks and 3 days, but who's counting?! We were supposed to go in for an 8 week ultrasounds last week, but my work schedule was hectic so we postponed it until this week. We're having it done Wed. So Wednesday is a big day for us!!
I'm feeling fairly confident that something is going on in my uterus:

I am a puking champ. I dry heave/projectile vomit 1-2 times per day. Most of the day I feel like I could puke/dry heave.
My stomach was looking bloated around my waistline, but the 'bloat' has moved upward and my stomach is looking bigger all around. I don't know how much longer I can hide from looking pregnant.
I can sleep with the best of them; no matter how much I sleep, it's not enough. I can sleep 10-13 hours and still take a nap.
Despite my bigger stomach, I have yet to gain a single pound. In fact, I have lost weight. I have an incredibly difficult time finding anything that sounds appetizing.

All of these fascinating bullet points have to add up to something don't they?! I guess we'll find out in 2 days!!

In other news, I had two of my best friends visit from Wisconsin last week. It was fantastic to spend time with people who just 'get you.' One of my friends is an OB Nurse and she has amazing pointers!!! I'll be picking her brain a lot in the next month/year! It was great to just be me and be the pregnant lady! Of course my friends know about the pregnancy, but I'm still in the closet with most everyone else. It was lovely to speak openly and honestly about the pregnancy. I also got to give the husband a break from the PIO injections. I had my RN friend, Sarah, aka the pro at injections, give my PIO shots while she was here. Even thought I slept the entire day after they left from the exhaustion I was experiencing, it was worth it!!

We've been discussing putting the house on the market a lot. We've decided to move ahead with it. We're working on little projects to get it as perfect as possible before we list it. We checked out the competition in the area and started looking at new houses online. We have one in particular we really like and seem to stack up the others we look at against it. Just in case our house sells fast, we'll probably start looking at houses once ours goes on the market.

I have observed in the IF world, when someone makes it to the other side (aka gets pregnant) they react in one of two ways. One: they go crazy shopping for maternity clothes stat and start picking up baby items (clothes, diapers, a doppler, shoes, blankets etc) or two: they are very hesitant to believe this is actually happening and delay all things baby. I definitely am in the latter group. Although I'm thrilled every day I wake up feeling tired and every time I puke (yes I am thrilled about vomiting. It is true.), I just can't jump in yet!! I am hoping once our next ultrasound is done and it gives us good news (PLEASE GOD!) maybe I can believe. I miscarried at 8 weeks previously, so 8 weeks is looming in my head as the week to get passed. I want to be giddy and believe nothing can go wrong. I just can't make myself do it (yet).

C recently had a friend get a positive beta and I'm so happy for her!!! Wonderful news!!!

Prayers for a positive ultrasound!!

Life is Changing

2012-02-22T10:36:00.006-08:00

I'm 7 weeks 5 days pregnant. I'm still getting used to thought of actually being pregnant...I wonder how long that will stick around?

It's started to sink in that we are in fact having twins. We're very excited and a little overwhelmed at the same time. We did a walk through at Babies R Us just to browse, because neither one of us has any clue what we're doing and what we need. Our walk through got us thinking about what we'll need for the babies, which in turn, resulted into an avalanche of where are we going to put all this stuff? Those double strollers are huge!

The house we live in right now is lovely, and has plenty of space for the time being, but we've always known this was not our forever home. We had plans of moving in 3-5 years, with our without kids. After we found out we were pregnant with twins, we started to ponder moving with two 3 year old children and 3 pets and quickly became overwhelmed by the idea. How would we ever keep the house clean and organized for showings? Maybe shedding a pet or two would help? I know 3 pets is a lot, but I adore our pets (one dog and two cats) and feel very passionately about adopting homeless pets so I know it would be easier to not have the animals, but there is no way I'd ever part with any of them. I can't stand people who adopt pets when it's convenient for them and then ditch them when they don't fit into their lives anymore. Don't get me started on animal rights... So here we are, in a house we'll fit in for now, but will close in quickly on us when the kids start moving around on their own. Plus, we're not in the school district we'd like to be in for our kiddos right now so aside from the space issue, we'd have to move before the kids start school.

Needless to say, we had a realtor over last night to discuss our options. We were both nervous about the meeting because we've all heard about the housing market these days... We found out we could sell our house and break even with the realtor fees; this is what we were hoping for. We've lived in the house for 3 years and got our $8k check from the government for buying our house in the first place, which we now get to keep since we've lived here 3 years. Thank you Obama!! The realtor was also impressed with the house and said she feels confident we could get it sold in 3-4 months. I watched a segment on the Today Show that said houses should be thought of as piggy banks and not cash cows. We won't be making money on our house, but we have all the money we've paid on it coming back to us and we will be able to make enough to cover the realtor fees. Plus, we're looking to upgrade and feel confident that we can get a great deal on a new house. Sounds like a positive situation given the market these days...

With this information under our belts, we're seriously considering moving. I didn't think we'd be moving so soon from this house. I love this house! We've been spoiled by the privacy it offers and I hope we can find something very similar but with more space.

The idea of moving has made the realization of how much our lives are changing sink in fast. Don't get me wrong, it's a very welcome change and we couldn't be happier, but there is a lot that will be changing around here!!

As far as the pregnancy goes, I've had strings of days where I'm nauseous all day and other days where I feel only slightly nauseous throughout the day. I never feel 'normal' anymore. I got a list of nausea remedies from the doctor; one was 25 mg of Vitamin B6 every 8 hrs. Whenever I'm feeling green, I've taken one of those and it seems to help curb the nausea tremendously. One thing that never seems to leave is the exhaustion! Here's an example: I went to bed last night at 10:30 and got up with my husband at 6:45 am to see him off to work. I laid down on the couch around 8 am and woke up at 10:30 am. I went to our room with the idea of showering, but laid down in bed (for just a minute!) and woke up to his text message at 11:56 am telling me he was coming home for lunch! I think I may get a few things done around the house and sneak in another nap because I'm still tired. I have some friends coming into town from Wisco tomorrow and I hope I can muster the energy to be a good host for the weekend... I'm also looking a little puffy around the midsection. Collin likes to say 'something's going on in there' whenever he sees it. They are all welcome signs.

As far as upcoming appointments, we're doing an ultrasound on March 7 and one March 19 and then we are done with any and all RE's. I'm ready to graduate to a regular OB! We're still trucking along with the progesterone injections (I had the option to switch to the suppository form of Crinone, but I opted not to change...another story for another time perhaps), Estrogen pills, and Metanx pills. We'll be done with the progesterone and estrogen at 10 weeks.

I'm still nervous about the ultrasounds and each milestone brings on anxiety, but I'm starting to enjoy myself a little more each day. Pregnancy after loss is not a relaxing ordeal....

Ultrasound 1 at 6w5d

2012-02-15T11:36:00.006-08:00

We traveled to Chattanooga for our first ultrasound today. The more sensible option would have been to do the ultrasound at my RE's office in Knoxville, but we had a graduation day ultrasound there only to find out there was no heartbeat. Call me superstitious, but we've had great luck with everything in Chattanooga so we traveled there for numero uno ultrasound!

Talk about nervous...my heart was pounding as I sat with my paper blanket on waiting for the Doc to come in to scan me. I expressed my anxiety and she said 'your numbers were great, I'm not worried.' Bold statement! I saw a sac right away, but I didn't see anything in it. The Doc wasn't saying anything. My heart began to sink...

Just as I was wondering if I may pass out, she exclaimed, "There's two!!"

TWINS!!!

One is measuring at 6w2d and the other is measuring at 6w3d; I'm at 6w5d so these are perfect numbers. Baby A had a heartbeat of 124 and Baby B had a heartbeat of 127. Both look perfect according to the MD.

Since I'm a worrier, she said I need to relax. With the way everything looked, she estimated a chance of miscarriage to be only about 3% at this point.

This is real!! They are real! I can enjoy this pregnancy from this point forward. I'm going to make it a point to enjoy every moment forward. I'm hopping on Amazon to order a pregnancy journal after I get done writing. I want to remember every single second of this miracle.

Next came the bunches of phone calls and texts to family and close friends. What amazing news!

Baby A was easy to find and measure. I think s/he takes after his/her calm sensible father. Baby B was a bit hidden and laying sideways. I think s/he takes after his/her spunky mother.

We are thrilled!!! In the 3.5+ years years we have been on this journey, I've always said I wanted twins! Twins means NEVER having to do IF treatment again. NEVER. Unless we somehow lose our minds and decide a 3rd child would be a good idea. Maybe there is someone out there who listens to these requests... Days like this make me believe in miracles!

TWINS!!! Is there a better sound in the world then a baby's heartbeat?! It doesn't get any better than this...

What a perfect day. I can smile a little brighter today knowing I have 2 perfect babies growing inside me.

Waiting for a 6 Week Ultrasound is Like Dating

2012-02-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've been intentionally AWOL from the blogging community. When I got my BFP I was beyond ecstatic. Slowly, the doubts and worry have managed to creep in and blot out a lot of my happiness. I know all too well what it's like to have an ultrasound without a heartbeat. I've been in my own little world trying to patiently wait for the ultrasound..."trying" being the operative word.

I think this whole thing reminds me of dating... You know when you first start dating someone and you realize you are head over heels into them, but you are unsure if they feel the same way so to avoid being labeled a creeper you don't profess your feelings? You just keep seeing this person and hope they feel the same way about you. You want the relationship to last. Well, that's how I feel right now. I'm head over heels at the thought of being pregnant, but I am afraid to be too happy because I don't know if this will work out. I'm putting my feelings on a shelf trying to stay sane.

We've been trying to take a baby home for over 3.5 years. I've been trying to get pregnant since I miraculously managed to get pregnant on an injection/IUI cycle over 2 years ago. I'm thrilled to be able to think, 'I am pregnant.' I only hope it lasts.

As far as symptoms go, I definitely have a 'she drank too many beers' belly thing going on even though I haven't gained a pound. I've been a sleeping fanatic. I can't manage to make it through a 12 hr night shift without catching a little shut eye. I have felt crummy on and off, but nothing too remarkable. Yesterday was my first bout of real nausea since a few days post the transfer. I was in the middle of feeding our dog, Miles, his dinner when I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. My stomach was empty so I only dry heaved. Really, that's it. I wish I was feeling nauseous all the time because I think I'd feel slightly less paranoid.

So here I am, waiting. I have no idea what next week will bring. I just hope this pregnancy continues...I'm not ready for it to end!

Beta #2

2012-01-30T12:19:00.000-08:00

**Please stop over to Not the Usual Ticking Clock to share some love with Nichole, who got unfortunate news on a beta test today. Send her some hugs. There is nothing like support and understanding to get through a rough patch. **

I went in for Beta #2 today at good old Doody's office. Aside from not being able to find a place to park, it was uneventful. I inquired when the results would be available, because let's face it, waiting sucks! They told me the results probably wouldn't be back until after lunch-aka after 1:30! Ah! More waiting!!!
While C was home for lunch, my phone surprisingly rang at 12:30! I was so aghast I managed to spill half the glass of water I was holding on the floor. While C cleaned up my mess I took the call with shaking hands. The nurse told me my level was 1495! She said it was 'excellent!' I expressed gratitude for calling over her lunch and she said this 'was a long time coming and I didn't want you to wait any longer.' Very sweet! I've only been going to that clinic for a tad over 3.5 years. A long time coming indeed!
I feel like I am dreaming. This is so surreal. I am filled with gratitude. I am appreciative for all the support and prayers. I know nothing is guaranteed and we have a long road ahead. However, today I am grateful. I am blessed. I am nothing short of thankful for this experience so far.
I've had so many appointments and lab draws over the past few weeks. But now I'm back on Team Wait's sideline. I don't have a single appointment or lab draw until our first ultrasound on Feb 15. Of course all 3 days they had available for an ultrasound conflicted with my work schedule. I'm once again going to have to ask about getting that day off or permission to come in late. I'll worry about that another day...
Today, I am 4 weeks 3 days pregnant (I had to ask how far along I was technically..that whole embryos growing in a petri dish for 5 days thing confused my timeline). I'm feeling symptoms of pregnancy. It's real. It's happening. Today there is a baby/babies growing in me. For today I will enjoy the news and try not to worry about the 'what if's'. I will hope the baby/ies continue to develop properly. I will pray. I will hope. I will love. I will do everything I can do...

Delayed Beta #2

2012-01-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

Previously I wrote I was going in on Sunday for Beta #2. However, our RE office in Knox is open on weekends only if they have patients that need to be seen. When I was there on Friday morning they had several monitoring ultrasound appointments, which meant the Fri ultrasounds would most likely need another follow up on Sun.
But, because there are no rules in this IF game, it turned out none of the ultrasound patients needed to come back on Sunday. I got a call Friday afternoon letting me know a Sunday follow up would not be possible. We knew this was a possibility all along. Our IVF clinic in Chatt was fine with delaying our beta until Monday.
So, here we are waiting. My husband has endless amounts of patience. Me, not so much. I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and my mind started racing with possibilities. This is a huge day and any milestone that is reached successfully is truly something to celebrate. However, I am all too well aware that not every story has a happy ending. We just have to wait and see...

The Wait is Over: Beta #1

2012-01-27T09:44:00.000-08:00

I am very scattered right now and can't think clearly, but the wait is over!! We are pregnant!!
Did I just say that?! YES!! YES!! YES!!! WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
Our Beta Test came back at 347 (above 50 indicates pregnancy). My progesterone level was over 40 (last time I was pregnant it was chronically low). The labs, so far, look fantastic.
I know we have a loooooong way to go, 9 months to be exact, but this is something to celebrate.

We both had problems sleeping last night. When the alarm went off this morning, both of us jumped up out of bed; usually we're the snooze hitting type. I had a lot of anxiety over POAS, because I've peed on so many and have a record of not getting that stubborn line to show up. However, this morning it showed up right away. We were both thrilled, but couldn't fully buy into it until we had the labs drawn.
I went in to have the blood work done and got a call 2.5 hours later from Doody's office and the Chattanooga office telling us the good news. We're heading back in on Sunday for Beta #2. Once that comes back elevated, I think I will feel much better.

We're cautiously happy right now. It's impossible not to get excited, but at the same time, we have such a long road ahead. Every victory in the IF game is something to celebrate.
I've been telling C all week I knew I pregnant. I just knew. I had some symptoms already (feeling bloated, nausea, tiredness, sore boobs, and hiccups-I had random hiccups the first time I was pregnant and I know it sounds crazy but I took it as a good sign). Two days after the transfer I had a lot of weird cramping type feelings. I was so scared to believe in these symptoms too much, however, because I didn't want to let myself down with a negative test.

Special thanks to our awesome parents, amazing sister in law and brother in law, grandparents, niece and nephews, aunts, uncles, and friends who have all prayed for us. I have no doubt in my mind that the support and prayers from everyone helped get us to this day.
Big congrats to my blogging girls Jill @ Dear Infertility and Nichole @ Not the Usual Ticking Clock who recently got positive pregnancy tests on their FET as well!
I'm very thankful for all the support I have gotten through blogging. It has made a world of difference. Thank you! Good luck to all you ladies going through cycles right now!

24 Hours Left to Wait

2012-01-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

I'm heading in to the RE's office in exactly 24 hours to FINALLY get the pregnancy results. C and I discussed POAS today, but we decided to wait. I'm terrified to get the results. I'd rather live in my blissful naive state of mind that I'm in right now. I want to stay PUPO. I don't want to be proven otherwise nor confirmed. I'm scared.
I'm off today, and I have a feeling it's going to be a long day! I'm trying to keep myself busy (grocery shopping, cleaning and making my famous lasagna), but I can't help feeling overwhelmingly anxious and nervous about tomorrow. C is in meetings most of the day so I can't even bother him with texts.
I've been feeling some symptoms that were leading me to think this was definitely it. However, I woke up today and feel completely normal. I'm confused. I think my mind is playing tricks on me.
I don't know how we can handle the news tomorrow if the test comes back negative...I want off this roller coaster ride!! We are approaching the 4 year mark. We've been through enough.
In other news, I have an oil pocket on my right side from the progesterone. It's been so painful I have a limp from time to time. Getting up after sitting for a while makes it especially agonizing. I laid across the husband's lap last night while he massaged my butt/hip area to help get rid of the lump. So romantic... It hurt a lot, but felt much better afterwards. We are now adding a butt massage to the nightly list of pills, ice, injection, and heating pad routine. Yes, we definitely know how to have a good time.
So that's it. I'm freaking out. I have lost my patience. The next 24 hours will be life changing no matter the outcome. I'm praying and hoping for the best. I can't do anything else at this point...

Tom Petty is Correct

2012-01-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

Come on sing it with me!! The waaaaaiting is the hardest part!!
It's 5 days past the transfer. I took on the attitude that I am pregnant until a test proves I'm not. It's been fairly easy. Sure, I still have my tense moments wondering how I'm going to wait until Friday, but for the most part I've been able to remain fairly calm. I was a complete couch potato from the time we got home from the transfer until today. I am returning to work today, and I'm more then ready to get out of the house.

Here's an exciting run down of what I've been up to: I finally finished Breaking Dawn (really didn't enjoy this book compared to the first 3). Watched several movies (I hope you can't laugh out an embryo because Bridesmaids is hilarious. I love Kristen Wiig). Caught up on Grey's and Pan Am. Cheered on Baltimore and the 49ers (both lost). Played several mindless games on the iPad. You get the picture. Lots of R&R. I've done all I can do.

I've been analyzing every twinge, feeling, cramp and twitch I've experienced over the past few days. I hope they amount to something rather then just my mind playing tricks on me.
I made my work schedule open around the time I assumed the pregnancy test would be. Well we know what we say about people who assume... The test falls on Friday. I work Friday night. How convenient. While I have promised myself to be patient during the 9 day wait (who knew 9 days could take soooooo long?!), Collin and I decided I should pee on a stick (POAS) on Friday morning. I can't bare to think about being home alone when I get the phone call to know my fate. At least this way, we'll have an idea of what the results will be so we can both prepare ourselves. If it's negative, and I am a mess, which I suspect I will be, I have decided I will call in sick Friday. No one at work knows what's going on, and I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together for 12 hours with the bad news lingering in my head.

However, until all of this happens, I'm just going to try to stay blissful and think positive. Collin has been awesome at cooking, doing laundry, and taking care of everything so I've been able to focus on relaxing. How many times have I heard I just need to relax in order to have a baby?! I'm giving into that dreaded advice and hoping it helps this time :) The progesterone shots haven't been too bad; my massage massively helped my extremely sore lower back area. Now I can tolerate them because I feel like we're doing them for a reason. Sure it's a 1 1/2 inch needle going into my back, but I'm doing it for the little baby/babies that surely must be growing in my uterus. Sounds crazy, but it works.

I also have to share this interaction I had with Collin. He went upstairs to fetch my estrodiol medication for me and came down with one of his infamous 'I'm up to no good' grins. I asked him what he was smiling about and it went something like this:
C-Nothing.
Me-Seriously, what's so funny?
C-Well, uh, never mind.
Me-No tell me what you are laughing at!
C-Well, I've only had two anatomy and physiology classes, so I'm not an expert, but how many vaginas are you supposed to have?
He handed me the med bottle and pointed to the label. We both busted out laughing.

He's been amazing helping me stay sane the past 5 days. 5 days down. 4 days to wait.

The FET Transfer

2012-01-19T06:11:00.000-08:00

We made it! We finally made it to a transfer!! Since the fresh cycle got cancelled in Nov, it seems like the fresh and frozen cycles have blended together. It's feels like we've been doing injections, ultrasounds and popping pills for sooooo long!
The embryologist called me on Tuesday to confirm thawing 2 embryos on Wednesday. She said she'd give us a call on Wed morning if one of them failed to defrost so we could give her the permission to defrost another. I hoped and prayed we would not hear from her Wed. I wanted to only thaw 2. I checked my iPhone about 20 times on our way to the clinic to see if she called.
I also went for a 60 minute aromatherapy massage on Tue. The masseuse told me she was having a hard time getting my muscles to relax. She said I was tense. Ha! No doubt. One of the most important days of my life was looming...
We made it to Chatt and got ready to head in for the transfer. I was very apprehensive about the entire thing, but of course C was successful at making me laugh while we sat waiting. He helped me calm down with his foolishness.
The Embryologist, Shan, came to talk to us about our embryos. I knew it would be positive news when she came around the corner smiling. The initial 2 embryos both survived the thawing process. One came from ICSI and the other was from the good old fashion swimming method. She showed us pics of the embryos at different stages of the thawing. She did a procedure known as assisted hatching with them. When embryos are frozen, their outer shell can become thick. This makes it more difficult for the embryo to branch out and implant. Assisted hatching means putting a small slice in the zona pellucida (outer shell of the embryo) to help it expand.
In the series of photos we could see the embryo initially in the corner of the zona pellucida and slowly it expanded to fill the entire space, eventually branching out. Both the Embryologist and MD were very pleased to see the embryos branching out of the zona pellucida. I had no idea, but apparently this is very encouraging. Shan was thrilled with our embryos. We immediately felt much more at ease after speaking with her.
Dr. Scotchie also came by to speak with us and have us sign the paperwork. She walked in proclaiming, "You two make beautiful embryos!" What a compliment!! She said I was an ideal candidate for a single embryo transfer because of the quality of embryos and my age. However, she said if we wanted to maximize our chance of pregnancy transferring both was ideal. We never faltered with our decision. We were putting both in! The two of us are inquisitive, so of course we bombarded her with questions. Dr. Scotchie estimated about a 60-65% chance of pregnancy based on the quality of embryos, number of embryos etc. She also estimated the chances of twins to be about 30%. Chance of triplets < 1 %. Most importantly 60-65% chance of success?! I LOVE these numbers!! This has been the most positive experience in the IF game to date.
The transfer itself was fairly uneventful. There were 3 women (Doctor, Nurse and Embryologist) and 1 man (the husband) in the room trying to get me knocked up. Who knew it would ever require this many people? My bladder was not as full as it had been on the trial transfer so it was a bit more difficult to locate everything. It was a bit painful, but very similar to IUI's. I couldn't see the ultrasound screen, but C said he could see a small blip on the screen when they placed the embryos in.
That's the story of the transfer! I'm officially PUPO status (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise).
I'm off of work until Monday. I've had several calls/texts to pick up shifts, but I've had to decline all the offers. My priority right now is to relax and get those embryos to implant. If they are implanting, and I know they will, they will implant by Friday. Come on sticky embryos!
Both of us are feeling positive about the transfer. We're hopeful. What else can we be?
We've had fantastic support and tons of prayers from family and friends. I trust our medical staff and genuinely like the clinic. I know they have done their best for us.
I really hope this is it!! We'll find out next Friday, Jan 27.

Next Stop: Transfer

2012-01-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

I had my second (and last) ultrasound yesterday. My endometrial lining was a 10.2. Ideal is 6-14 mm. Boom! I never thought I'd be excited about my endometrial lining measurement, but the day has come to fist pump about the ideal measurement. Labs were also fine. We got the go ahead to proceed to the FET (frozen embryo transfer) on Wed. I'm thankful for Doc C's game day decision of skipping the ultrasound on Sun, because we saved ourselves 3 hours on the road and $300! I shot up with my last dose of Lupron last night. Fingers crossed this was the last dose EVER. I'll be happy for the hot flashes to recede.

*Random side story-I was giving treatment to a patient this week. Her mom was about mid 50's and she shed her sweatshirt with complaints of a hot flash. She told me how awful they were and said I'd know someday. I laughed because I was thinking, 'Lady, I know what a hot flash feels like. I inject myself with Lupron!' Ha! I couldn't help but laugh out loud... This little interaction kept me smiling all day.*

We are moving on to the dreaded Progesterone injections tonight. We did entire cycles of injecting HMG the intramuscular route and damn my hips were tender. This is an entirely different beast because it's IM, but it's also an oil base so it's thick. Ouch ouch ouch. I'm going to heat and ice. Pray. Cuss. Go to my happy place. Apply a cute Kermit the Frog or Hello Kitty band aid. Yup. I bought children's band aids in hopes it may help make the experience a bit more entertaining and tolerable. I'm also taking medrol, aspirin, metanx and estrace. Estrace itself doesn't bother me, but I'm quite disturbed by the route of administering the meds. Ugh. The things a chick will do to try to have a baby.

This cycle has been so much easier then the fresh cycle. A few injections, hot flashes, pills and 2 ultrasounds. Not bad at all. (Not bad for IF'ers. All those people that just have sex to make a baby would think this is insane. Screw those people!) Thinking back to when we were trying to decide between the Attain program or paying cycle by cycle, I am VERY thankful we went the pay by cycle route. I cannot imagine doing up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles. One fresh cycle was enough for me. OHSS is a bitch.

So that's it. Time to make a baby. Please keep us, the physicians and medical staff in your thoughts and/or prayers. Next week is a big week. HUGE week!! Pray that this works. I do not know how we'll get through another failure.

Ultrasound Saga

2012-01-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

When I sit down to write a blog, I will usually open up iTunes and end up buying a song or two to listen to while blogging. Blogging is getting to be an expensive hobby ;)

We got a call from the Chatt clinic Friday. My Estrodiol level was sky high and my lining was thicker then they wanted; this was all expected because my body has not recovered from the hellish IVF cycle we underwent 2 months ago. My body is still in chaos from two months ago... I'm taking solace in this info because I honestly have not felt like myself since we did the IVF cycle in Oct/Nov. It's not my fault. I'm not going crazy. It's the damn drugs. On the other hand, this makes me wonder what long term impact all of this has?! Yikes.
Although all signs pointed to my lining thinning down properly (I was having some seriously unpleasant heavy bleeding), the Chatt clinic suggested we come to them for an ultrasound Sunday just to be sure. This would mean postponing the Estrace meds and the entire cycle by a few days.
Because I work with MD's, I know they don't like to assume. They'd rather order every possible diagnostic test to see evidence first hand and make an educated diagnosis/treatment plan. A lot of the time this is necessary, but sometimes it's overkill. We used to jump through every hoop they put in front of us, but we have both lost some of the zealous unquestioning spirit. C questioned the ultrasound and when they said it was not necessary, but would be helpful, we opted out. The clinic was accepting of this option. Driving to Chatt means 3 hours on the road and the ultrasounds run about $300 a pop. (Our insurance isn't supposed to pay for the ultrasounds. Lately they have been, but you never know. That's another story...) As C said, in reference to this entire IF game, 'none of the professionals have gotten it right yet so I might as well take a stab at it.' I'm going to start calling C Doc.
I feel like such a rebel!! I feel we made the right decision. I have another ultrasound on Thursday, so we'll see how my stubborn lining has progressed then. I really didn't want to delay the transfer, because I left my work schedule open so I could relax for a few days post transfer.

On a different note, I went to Painting With a Twist on Saturday with some co-workers. One of the supervisors I work with has a girls night out occasionally. I wanted to bring a friend with me because I only knew 2 of the people going and typically I'm uncomfortable in groups of unknown people (there were about 15 people). The 3 friends I asked weren't able to make it (one cancelled last minute because of a puking kid. Those darn kids ;) !), but I decided I'd do something that made me uncomfortable and just go! I'm glad I did! There is an artist who talks you through a painting step by step. You also get to bring your own wine/drinks/food along and they play music. What's better then wine, music, and painting with friends?! It ended up being a lot of fun. The lady I ended up talking to the most happens to be one of C's co-workers and she's a fellow Wisco girl. Small world... Below is my masterpiece that I created! Painting With a Twist's are scattered all over the South, so if you're a Southern Belle or an Imposter Southern Belle, like myself, I'd check it out if there is one near you!
Now to take on a week full of work, pills, shots and an ultrasound...
Best of luck to all you ladies going through cycles right now and congrats to the many pregnant ladies out there!!! A lot of people I have been following are pregnant...I hope I'm next!!!

What Would Collin Do?

2012-01-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

What would Collin do is a phrase I came up with to remind me to remain calm. Sounds like I have emotional problems...so I'll explain.
C has an endless amount of patience. He rarely gets flustered and seems to maintain a harmonious peaceful state of mind all the time. It's one of the things I admire most about him. His side of the family all possess the same easygoing attitude, so I don't know if it's an inherited or learned quality. Regardless, patience seems a bit difficult to come by for me sometimes. (So I have ONE fault...is that so bad?!) I'm just a bit more of a feisty person then my better half. The extra infertility drugs don't help my cause any either. With respect to our lack or control of patience, I have comically coined the phrase 'What Would Collin Do?' to remind myself to remain calm during these tense infertility moments.
My ultrasound appointment was on Thur at 10 am. I worked T-TH from 7p-7a. Despite my best efforts, I could not get the appt earlier. I've been having one hell of a period this time around so I've been feeling quite crummy and obviously I was tired. I usually come home, shower and hop into bed by 8 am when working nights. Obviously a 10 am appt throws a wrench into my routine.
However, despite the imposing issues, I sucked it up and went in to Dr. Doody's office with a moderately positive attitude at 9:50 am. C had obligations at work so I was flying solo. I told myself I was going to remain calm despite the difficult situation. WWCD. I was all over it.
I had by labs drawn within 5 minutes and I thought I'd be heading to the ultrasound room (this is the Doody routine), but the room was still occupied so I had to resume my seat in the waiting area. I dutifully waited in the waiting area until 10:30 am, but when a couple was called for an ultrasound ahead of me I didn't care what Collin would do any longer. I did what exhausted Amber would do. Patience was thrown by the wayside. I knew I would be stuck waiting another 30 minutes. I started texting C and my mom like a mad woman with my rants. At 10:40 I approached the front desk and asked how long it would be and expressed my need to sleep, probably in a slightly assertive tone. By 10:45 I was brooding over my exhaustion (I'd been awake for 19 hrs at this point) and I told C I was leaving at 11 with an ultrasound or not.
Luckily I was called back at 10:56. Did the 5 minute ultrasound. The NP gave me the report of a lining of .69 and said it was thin and looked good. That was enough for me. I craved my bed. I went home and crawled into bed passing out immediately.
C got the message from the clinic in Chatt that my lining was 6.9 (they measure in mm not cm) and this was thick. What the hell?! Too thick for the next step of adding estrace to the drug mix. The MD was out of the office for the afternoon so they said they'd call with a plan the next day.
(We got the call today, but are figuring out what our next move is, so I'll update you as soon as I know.)
While I was getting my labs drawn a nurse commented, "I don't know how you work nights. That must be horrible." This statement got me thinking about all the sacrifices we have both made for this elusive baby we DON'T have. At that point, I was still in my WWCD calm state of mind or I may have screamed at her 'I work nights so I can attend all these damn appointments!! If I worked days it would mean working 7a-7p and I wouldn't be able to even try to have a baby because I couldn't make most of these freaking appointments!! Anything else in my life you want to comment on?' We need this fertility game to be over one way or another...
I'm beginning to question the integrity of Doody's office. We have been going to their office for over 3.5 years. He's performed 3 surgeries on me and countless IF treatments. The staff is wonderful. However, on our fresh IVF cycle we had measuring discrepancies of my follicles that resulted in an extra trip to Chatt. They completely missed the mark on measuring my lining this time; conversion factor aside I was told it was thin and looked fine. The office is chronically behind with their appointments; waiting an hour or more is not out of the ordinary. I had to wait an hour for a 5 minute ultrasound. Since we have been going there, their patient volume has increased substantially. It's difficult to even get a time slot for any appointment these days. A NP does the ultrasounds and she seems chronically rushed. I think they need to expand their business or stop accepting so many patients. It seems their quality of care has diminished since we starting going there and it's very disappointing on my end.
That's the ultrasound story. Now to decide what is next. Nothing is ever easy in the infertility game. I want the end of the game buzzer to sound. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One way or another, I'm ready to be done with this entire process.

Two Phone Calls on a Tuesday

2012-01-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

Today marks the day of the end of Xmas Vaca for both my husband and I. We're both heading back to work after an extended time away. We were able to spend time with family, had a mini vaca to St Louis and got to spend some much needed relaxation time on the couch together.
I had two phone call conversations today that have me in high spirits despite the impending return to work.
First, I received a call from the Embryologist, Shan, in the a.m. We had a few questions re: the unfreezing of the embryos, so she was calling to answer those questions. She said the unfreezing will take place the morning of the transfer. She'll unfreeze two and let them expand in a petri dish, watching their progress. Since it only takes about 15 minutes to unfreeze, if one of them doesn't survive the thaw, it will be easy to select the next in line to thaw. We want to transfer two embryos so (hypothetically) we should have no problem making that happen. She went on to say we have a lot to choose from (we have 14 frozen) and expressed that we are lucky for all these options. Odd thing to have someone refer to me as lucky... It caught me off guard, but I'm thankful for the compliment! I went through A LOT to get those embryos... Anyway, Shan made it sound so simple. Let's hope it is. To think, this entire infertility journey could be over in 2 weeks is astonishing. I'm feeling much better about the entire transfer process after chatting with her.
Next, I received a call from a dear friend of mine, Sarah, up in Wisconsin. Sarah and another of my favorite Wisconsinite friends, Pauline, are coming to visit in Feb. I'm thrilled about the visit and cannot wait for the much needed girl time with two of my favorite ladies! It's very difficult living far away from all my best friends... We had a fabulous conversation and caught up on our lives. We both work in healthcare and work odd hours, so finding time to chat on the phone can be a difficult task. She's the type of person who can make anyone feel at ease. She fills your day with sunshine and she's incredibly kind and thoughtful. Our chat definitely brightened my day!!
I've placed a few phone calls to Dr. Doody's office asking to reschedule my ultrasound for an earlier time Thursday. So far, no luck. I'll call them tomorrow in hopes I can get an earlier time slot in order to get more sleep in between night shifts. Maybe they will be tired of my calls and just squeeze me in. Fingers crossed.
Starting to get some bruising on my abdomen from the shots. The Lupron shots are not all that bad. I have hot flashes (I ripped off my pants in the middle of the night last night in the midst of hot flash mania) and I'm a tad emotional, but the side effects are bearable. It's much easier then the high dose of Lupron Depot in between surgeries for Endometriosis I once was on. Compared to that, this is a piece of cake!!
Thanks again for all the comments. I read them all and love getting the feedback! If I write back will people check back and read them? I want to respond, but I'm not sure the best way to go about it. I appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to leave a message to brighten my day!
Onward!!

Sometimes Walking the Dog Requires Tequila

2012-01-01T13:16:00.001-08:00

First, happy new year to each and everyone one of you who read this! We've had quite the year filled with the utmost of highs and the bottommost of lows. It's all done. For good or bad, 2011 is in the books. It's time for a fresh start. I adore this time of year. People have a fresh optimism for a new beginning and it's a contagiously warm feeling. No matter what has happened in the previous year, I tend to leap into the new year with vivaciousness.
So here we are, a new year. A new start. A clean slate. High expectations.
I have a lot to be thankful for in the past year. One thing I am always thankful for are all the family, friends and random people who are supporting us on our journey. You're comments, cards, emails, texts and messages mean a great deal to both myself and my husband. THANK YOU. I wish I had a more meaningful way to express my gratitude, but I am extremely thankful for each and every bit of support you all have offered.
Now we get to the tequila. *Side notes-I am not in any way an alcoholic. I don't typically drink any alcohol in the middle of the day on a Sunday. Unless offered in Mexico, I typically dislike tequila any time and any place it's offered.*
The sun was shining on this unseasonably warm day and I decided to take our dog, Miles, for a short walk. One thing I have a love hate relationship with the South is it's hospitality. I'm all about being friendly and happy most of the time. I'm frequently referred to as being "bubbly" in fact. But, sometimes I just want to be out and about and not have to make pleasant conversation about anything with anyone. Today was one of those days. I've been struggling with my infertility lately...
A couple that lives down the street from us have made their pregnancy announcement loud and proud via Facebook and I have been strictly avoiding interaction with them because of this. We're friendly with them; we've done the dinner thing a few times and we always chat if we're outside. However, this entire infertility process makes you extremely adept at avoiding certain circumstances to protect yourself, your heart and your sanity. I've taken that avoidance route with them lately until today...
He was outside and being the South, he wanted to chat. I did the obligatory congrats and asked the standard questions you ask about a pregnant lady. I honestly am happy for them or anyone else who is able to start a family the old fashioned way. It all went south, however, when he informed me they started trying for a baby thinking it could take some time. However, amazingly, 2 weeks (yes, TWO freaking weeks) after they started trying, they found out they were pregnant. He went on to gush about how easy it was to get pregnant and I, in turn, tuned out. Miles lifted a leg and pissed on his lawn during the gushing. I secretly smiled inside at our dog's behavior while outwardly apologizing for him. Heavy sigh. 14 days. 2 weeks. We've been trying over 3.5 years. Puts everything into perspective.
They have no idea what we've been through, so please understand I am not upset at them for anything. It's just amazing how easy it can be for some people isn't it?!
I got through the rest of the conversation fighting back tears and turned, head bowed, to do the walk of shame home. I was so very happy to be home. I stormed in the door at about 3:30 and declared, "Poor me a shot of tequila!" The husband was shocked, but all I had to do was mutter their name and he understood why I had made this bizarre request. He didn't question my odd request, but cracked open the Patron and granted my wish. Ah, my dazzling ray of sunshine husband! I simply adore this man. It probably wasn't the best solution to how I was feeling, but the tequila haziness washed over me and my empty stomach quickly. It's New Year's Day so it's not that bad, right?! It sure as hell made me feel better momentarily. It's so damn difficult to have absolutley no control over something...I have no control over infertility. It controls me.
We started our FET cycle the day we got back from the family Christmas in St. Louis. I'm heading into this cycle with a different attitude. I'm not really into it. I can't get excited about it. I'm just going through the motions and I've been shedding some tears. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me. I'm taking 10 units of Lupron for the time being; I stopped the BCP's yesterday. My first ultrasound is on Jan 5.
2012 will be an interesting year for us. We're either forging ahead with babies in our lives or navigating into the DINK world. Either this is our year for babies or the rest of our lives. I'm tired of living the in between. We both are. We've had endless hours of conversations over the past few months and we are definitely at a crossroads in our life. I know which way we hope our lives go, but there is no telling what path we're taking. Either way, 2012 will be a pivotal year for us. Let's do this!!

Crabby Tuesday

2011-12-20T12:35:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure what my deal is today, but I'm an emotional mess. I just got off the phone with a nurse at the clinic and cried...
I have all the info for the FET (frozen embryo transfer), we ordered the meds and I started taking the required birth control pills. I'm waiting to hear back from the financial coordinator re: cost for this cycle because we didn't get to the transfer on the last cycle. This should be a *clearance* IVF cycle since the money we didn't use for the fresh cycle will carry over and the meds cost a minuscule $50. $50! What a bargain!!
So why the sad face? I don't know if I'm overly tired (worked 53 hrs last week of both day and night shifts), starting the pills are making me edgy, I'm apprehensive to hop on the infertility treatment wagon once again or any combination of the above.
I thought we would not begin this process until mid Jan, but the injections start on Dec 27th. Surprise! The transfer is tentatively scheduled for Jan 18-a day I'm scheduled to work 7pm-7am. Wonderful! My first ultrasound appointment is on Jan 5 and I'm working a stretch of 3 nights during that time AND the earliest appointment I can get is 10 am. I have to work until 7am, stay up to head to the MD at 10am, come home and try to sleep a maximum of 4.5 hrs before heading in for another 12 hour night. Stupendous! This cycle includes Progesterone injections (I've had these before and they freaking hurt!) Terrific! Collin has tentative plans to be on a business trip when I'm supposed to be getting some of these injections which means I may get to give them to myself. Fantastic!
F%$#!!!!!!
Every other time we've started a new treatment cycle I've met the cycle with unbeaten optimism and soaring hope. Not this time. I'm over it. I'm more then fatigued by this entire process both emotionally and physically.
Infertility sucks. I loath it. I want to kick it in the face.
I am tired of fighting today.
I'm going to give myself the day to be a wreck and feel sorry for myself and my situation.
Tomorrow I can pick up the pieces and move forward, but not today...

Life Lately

2011-12-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe the holidays will soon be upon us. Although I've been going through the motions, this time of year seems to be a bit difficult. I suppose it is for anyone going through infertility...

The company my husband works for hosts an angel tree for Christmas through the Salvation Army. It has tags for a bunch of children in the area who are in need (many foster kids). The children write their clothing sizes, shoe size and one big wish for Christmas. The idea is to buy the child one complete outfit (shirt, pants, shoes, socks, underwear, coat etc.) and at least one toy (hopefully you can get them the one big item they wished for).
Last year was our first time taking part in the angel tree. We were both shocked to see how many of Collin's co-workers took part making children's Christmas dreams come true. There were a lot of big items people generously purchased-lots of bikes! We felt the need to spread some Christmas cheer again this year, so we set aside a random night during the week and headed to Target to spoil our angel kid named Faith. (I thought the name was a bit ironic given our circumstances.) Anyway, Faith is an 11 year old girl who's Christmas wish was makeup and hair accessories. To think of all things a kid could wish for, (last year our kid wanted a digital camera) Faith merely wanted makeup and hair accessories. Out of anything she could have asked for, she asked for something simple most 11 year old girls already have and probably take for granted. We were both moved and felt the need to spoil this girl for Christmas! We wandered through Target picking out items for our angel, feeling blessed to be able to help someone in need. I have no idea where she is or when she will get her gifts, but I sincerely hope she loves them! I hope we have a positive impact on this little girl and I hope making her Christmas wish come true makes her have an amazing Christmas. Below is a pic of what we bought. Merry Christmas Faith!!!
Aside from this, we've been discussing our next infertility battle: the frozen transfer. We had intended to do the transfer in Jan, but now that the date is approaching, we've both had cold feet. It is incredibly nice to live your life and not worry about your next appointment, injection or pill to swallow. I enjoy not having to shoot myself up with all these medications that make me feel slightly insane (Collin may claim they make me seem certifiably insane). No matter how you cut it, the process takes over your life and you don't feel like yourself.
Here's my (crazy) thought process: I want to enjoy being my 'normal' hormone free self a little longer (I can't fully express how AMAZING it truly is). I've been picking up a bunch of hours at work (bc I don't have to center my work schedule around infertility appts) and the extra money is so nice! We've been training for a 5k (it's going well and we're in week 3 in case you were wondering) and I'd like to continue to run and get in shape. All of these things make me want to delay the transfer.
On the other hand, I'm so freaking tired of waiting to get pregnant, I don't want to wait any longer! I have some friends who want to come visit in Feb and I'd much rather spend *much needed* girl time with them and not have to run off to throw my legs in stirrups for an appointment. I've already left myself a light work schedule in Jan in anticipation of upcoming appointments. My last IVF experience was so horrific, I'm hesitant to jump into any more treatment, but I know a frozen cycle is much easier then a fresh cycle.
The list goes on and on. We have come to the conclusion that there is never a good time to do IVF. Life is busy, things get in the way and that's just the way it is.
I called the clinic today to get a schedule for a transfer in January. I need to get the next round of drugs and figure out what a frozen transfer entails. I received a call from a nurse this afternoon and she let me know the MD would have a complete calendar for me tomorrow.
I'm working tomorrow, so of course I won't be able to take the phone call, but I'll be checking my phone like a mad woman every time I have a break. Here's to 2012!

December 3, 2009

2011-12-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And
whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

Two years. 104 weeks. 730 days. 17,520 hours. 1,051,200 minutes. 3,1536,000 seconds. It does not matter how you calculate it, time has gone by. It's been painfully slow and astonishingly fast. It's been made up of days both appalling and exquisite. Some dreams shattered while a few came to fruition. Time moves on, but I cannot forget...
Two years ago, we went in for our 8 week ultrasound. Since I got pregnant, I had at least 2 appointments a week with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. Dec 3, 2009 was our FINAL appointment with him; I was moving on to a regular OB.
On the day of our last ultrasound, the RE started the ultrasound. Stopped. Took a deep breath and delivered the news. The baby's heart had stopped beating.
The radiant dream we had grown accustomed to living in for 8 joyful weeks clouded over and evaporated in an instant. Gone. Stolen away from us.
The rest of the appointment, scheduling the D & C and the ride home are a haze; I cannot recall what happened exactly...
I made it home somehow. I did not know what to do. I took the dog out into the backyard and stood there with tears cascading down my face. I turned to walk inside and out of the corner of my eye saw a beautiful rose on one of our rose bushes. There was only one rose...it was December.
I called Collin to look at the rose. We cut the rose and brought it in the house. The picture above is a picture of the rose from that day.
I have to believe it was a sign of the beauty we will experience one day. I have to believe it was meant for us. On that day. A symbol. A beacon of hope. A sign of courage. A reason to keep fighting.
I think about that day. Often. I know there are many women who experience miscarriages, and in many ways, I'm not different then any of them. However, I fought for 1.5 years to get pregnant. The 8 weeks I was pregnant were life changing. Viewing our baby's heart beating for the first time was a moment of insurmountable perfection. It meant the world to me. Since then I've fought another 2 years to get pregnant again. To have that feeling again. To feel the butterflies again. To dream. To hope. To plan. To be a family.
I have a right to be sad. I can think about that day. I remember the pain. I can cry and ponder the what if's.
Another year has passed. Does anyone else think about this date? Of the little baby we lost? The baby we hoped, prayed, begged and fought for? Of the 2 years we've battled trying to get back to that point?
I hang on to the photo of the rose in my heart. It's one of the few memories we have of our angel. It's a glimmer of hope that shines brighter then the abundant forlorn news we've received while living with infertility over the past 3.5 years. It's a reminder to never give up.

I May Be Losing It

2011-11-28T11:55:00.001-08:00

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything on here...the OHSS sent me reeling for a while. I'm finally feeling normal, so I think all the hormones are out of my system. This whole blog has been about our struggle with infertility and going through our first round of IVF. Obviously, since we're at a stand still in the IVF process, I guess I haven't been sure about what I should write about. Although I am grateful for the success we had with IVF (14 embryos on ice) it's been difficult playing the waiting game once again. I've had many ups and downs over the past few weeks, but I feel like I have finally come to accept where we are at. I will enjoy the holidays. I will not sulk over not being pregnant *again* this holiday season. I will consume cocktails whenever and wherever I want. I will feel like myself again. I will be happy. 2012 will be the best year ever.
That being said, I have given in and began reading the Twilight series. I hate to admit this out loud. Through a library rental program, I rented the first book on my Kindle. I figured I'd just give it a try since it was free. If I hated it, I wouldn't read it and wouldn't feel bad about dropping $10 on it. Well, I am hopelessly and bashfully HOOKED! I'm not one for vampires or any science fiction for that matter, but the love story is what I can't resist. I'm such a romantic at heart....I live for romance and love. I've raced through the first two books in a week and watched the first two movies as well. The books are far superior to the movies. I just bought the 3rd book today and I'm hoping for a slow night at work so I can indulge in my new guilty pleasure. I am still in shock that I am reading these books...
Also, the husband and I have taken to getting in shape! We're doing a couch to 5K program with hopes of running a 5k in Jan. Week one is done! Week one consisted of walking 5 minutes then alternating between jogging 60 seconds and walking 90 seconds. We've both been huge couch potatoes recently, but it feels good to be up and moving again. It's helped to have a new goal to focus on.
Collin's surprise birthday weekend was last weekend. I'll write about it later; I'm running short on time at the moment.
That's the update on me. Twilight and getting in shape. Wow...the excitement. I'm surprised by the Twilight thing still....I have become one of them. Help!

Cancelled Transfer

2011-11-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't gathered from the posts my husband wrote on my behalf, I've been quite ill. I now know what it's like to have Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and let me just tell you, it's not fun. I experienced the worst OHSS has to offer. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, in terms of experiencing OHSS-

In rare cases, women can have more serious symptoms, including:

Significant weight gain (more than 10 pounds in 3 - 5 days)
Severe pain or swelling in the abdomen
Decreased urination
Shortness of breath

I had ALL FOUR of these symptoms. It was horrible. I now know what it feels like to gain 17 pounds of fluid in 2 days in my abdomen (I looked 6 months pregnant no joke). I know what it feels like to not being to get out of bed by myself. I know what it feels like to be nauseous and puking for 3+ hours. I know what it's like to not eat for 4 days. I know what it's like to feel so ill you can't get out of bed for 6 days. I could go on and on with these, but I think you get the picture. I WAS F%@#$&@ MISERABLE (profanity necessary to clarify the level of miserableness I experienced).
To pick up where Collin left off, we went back to Chattanooga (we made a total of 5 trips in 8 days) on Monday and had another paracentecis done. The MD let C come back into the OR to watch this one-I'm very thankful I was asleep. They drained off another 2.5 Liters of fluid. I recovered and we went home. We started Lovenox injections (my labs showed I had an increased risk of a blood clot) and Cabergoline (to get rid of the OHSS) along with anti-nausea and pain meds. I woke up throughout the night Monday night to urinate 6 times. I lost 5 pounds overnight! I was actually able to get out of bed (other then to pee or puke) for the first time in 6 days.
I continued the urinating ritual throughout the day and night Tuesday and Wednesday nights and continued to shed pounds daily. Collin's birthday was on Thursday and we managed to go out to eat that night. It was a big outing for me! Finally, today, 10 days post retrieval I am feeling normal. It has been a very long journey for us. We're finally feeling back to normal...
Words cannot express how thankful I am to have Collin in my life. He diligently drove me back and forth to Chattanooga, ran to the pharmacy (they constantly were adding meds), made numerous phone calls to the MD, RN and family, tended to my every need and never complained once. The man is amazing. I love him so much!
Also, shout out to the staff at Tennessee Reproductive Medicine! One of the RN's gave us her personal cell phone number the day of the transfer and told us to call her with any issues. Once we were experiencing issues, the MD also gave her cell phone number to us. They were in regular contact with Collin and provided excellent advice and guidance in our time of need. I couldn't be happier with the support they offered.
So now what? We had amazing embryos that developed beautifully (10 were of the highest grade possible), but since I was incredibly sick we made the decision to freeze the embryos. There wasn't really much of a decision to be made, it's what the MD highly advised and we didn't see any reason to go ahead with the transfer. Transferring the embryos would make the symptoms of OHSS stay for even longer. We have 14 beautiful embryos frozen and waiting for us. We got to see the embryologist most days (since we were in the clinic anyway) so she gave us updates face-to-face and she was always beaming over how well the embryos were doing.
We decided to wait for a few months before we pursue a transfer. I want to feel 100% when we do the transfer and we don't want to be stressed about the holidays so we're probably going to wait until January.
This means another holiday season without any exciting news. I'm disheartened by this, but I know it's for the best. We were pregnant in Oct '09 and I was thrilled about the news and spending time with family over the holidays (our family all lives far away-in WI and IA-so we don't get to see them but a few times a year). Since I miscarried in early December, all my blissful thoughts and dreams of the holiday season we were supposed to have was ripped away. Instead I spent the holidays with family who didn't know what to say to either one of us and both of us felt empty and alone. All I have wanted since this is to be pregnant and to experience what was stolen from us. We'll have yet another holiday season spent without the news I so desperately want to share.
Infertility is a cruel game. It seems like there are so many set backs and let downs. Very rarely is there anything positive. I feel like we are ALWAYS waiting for something....it's never my freaking time! As much as I want to be negative, for my sanity and the sanity of my favorite guy, I can't dwell on all the negative things we have been through or I honestly probably won't get out of bed ever again. I know it sucks and it's not fair, but I need to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. We have 14 amazing embryos on ice-we have pictures and they are beautiful!!
That pretty much sums it up. 10 days of hell. Finally over the hump and feeling normal. Life goes on.
2011 has been a shitty year. I'm over it. Bring on 2012!!!

Anybody in Knoxville up for a Sunday Paracentesis?

2011-11-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

It is Collin again....and you know what that means. Amber was resting comfortably last night and was able to eat a little bit. We noticed that her abdomen was filling with fluid again, but were hoping we wouldn’t have to do another paracentesis until Monday or so. She woke up around 3:30AM feeling very ill, but took some meds and was able to fall back asleep. At about 7AM, she woke up vomiting yet again and we knew we were in trouble. I called Dr Scotchie and the IVF nurse this morning, but by the time we were able to get Dr Scotchie after she was finished doing her other procedures Amber was at a new level of discomfort. We decided that by about 9:30, there was no way we could get her to Chattanooga and through that drive. We went to the ER here in Knoxville with the hope that we could get this taken care of here. We walked into the ER and Amber headed to the bathroom as her vomiting was continuous at this point.

After only a few minutes (which seemed like hours to Amber), we were taken back to an ER room where they started an IV and gave her some nausea meds. They did an ultrasound and saw tons of fluid again, but the ovaries still had blood supply, so that was one worry resolved. Unfortunately, it was beyond the comfort zone of the hospital to perform the procedure as it needs to be done under these circumstances. Dr Scotchie called and said that it isn’t overly complicated to perform, but it is a bit rare clinically speaking. The ER doc called around town and was not able to find anyone in town who could perform the procedure...on a Sunday at least. By the time this was resolved, it was rather late in the afternoon, so we had two options: 1-Go to Chattanooga (either by me driving or via ambulance) and get admitted overnight and have the paracentesis first thing in the morning, or 2- get discharged and rest at home tonight and head to Chattanooga in the morning. We asked to be admitted here, but they said that because they knew they couldn’t resolve this tonight, that they would have a very difficult time finding a physician here would be willing to admit her. Understandable, I guess. We decided to get discharged and come home. Going to Chattanooga would involve me driving down and back tonight, and again in the morning, Amber having to get admitted, get another IV, blood work, etc., and then get discharged in the morning (all at a hospital that is out-of-network for us). That sounded like a lot to do and it may not be worth it. Let’s hope. They gave her a good dose of meds before we left and she is again in bed resting.

The ER doctor wished us luck and told us that he understands everything we are doing. He said he and his wife went through 5 rounds of IVF before they got their twins. He then said that he could not believe how nice Dr Scotchie was and that we were very lucky that she cared so much. He said he is not used to working with someone like her. She called this morning and gave me her personal cell number and we have been in contact all day. As I said yesterday, she and the rest of the crew in Chattanooga have been exceptional.

We will be heading to Chattanooga in the morning for the paracentesis and hopefully we are able to make it through the night without any surprises. As long as we can keep the nausea away, she thinks she can handle the fluid build-up. Here’s to hoping that is the case!

As for some good news, the embryologist again called with a glowing report this morning. Of the 21 embryos from yesterday, 19 are dividing and compacting like we want. The other two will probably drop off and not be viable. The grading scale changes a bit today, but long story shorter, 15 of the 19 are what would be considered a Grade 1. Again, that should give us plenty to get through this other situation and do a frozen cycle (and more, if necessary). At least we are getting some good news amongst the other terrible things going on these past few days.

Time to get some rest for the night and get ready for another big day tomorrow. Again, all of your thoughts and prayers are appreciated through this latest ordeal!

Our First (and Last) Egg Retrieval

2011-11-05T17:26:00.000-07:00

This post is being brought to you by Amber’s husband. For non-immediate family members who are unaware of the past 24-36 hours, you’ll understand why I’m writing this by the end of the post. I’ll start from where she left off...

Wednesday: Retrieval Day!

Amber came out of this feeling ok. The 90 minute ride home from Chattanooga went fine for the first hour, but she got very antsy to get out of the car the final half-our. She couldn’t get comfortable in the car, but we got her home and in bed and it started to look a bit better.

The egg retrieval procedure went well and everybody at the clinic was really excited! They were able to retrieve 27 eggs, which is a ton! 15 is considered to be about average, 20 would be great, so they were able to get way more than expected. Because of the high number of eggs she was likely having some ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) symptoms. That makes her really uncomfortable and feeling pretty terrible. We were hopeful that it would subside and that she would be feeling better in the next couple days
The embryologist at the clinic (I had no idea this was a career...) called us that night and again the next morning to give us an update on how the eggs looked and the fertilization process. Here is what we knew as of Thursday morning: They got 27 eggs total during the retrieval. Prior to retrieval, we chose to do an ICSI procedure on 50% of the eggs (Here is the Mayo Clinic definition on ICSI: Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). This procedure consists of a microscopic technique (micromanipulation) in which a single sperm is injected directly into an egg to achieve fertilization in conjunction with the standard IVF procedure). So, they took 14 of the eggs for ICSI and after preparing them, found that only one of those was not mature enough to be used, which is a great percentage, and that takes our number down to 26 eggs. They did the ICSI on Wednesday and then the "regular" method on the other 13, where they just put everything in a dish and hope they fertilize on their own. The embryologist called Thursday morning with the best news we have gotten in a very long time. Of the 13 ICSI eggs, 12 fertilized (92%; the clinic said typical is 80%), and of the 13 from the "regular" method, 10 fertilized (77%; typical is 60%). That left us with 22 embryos growing in Chattanooga on Thursday morning! She said everything looked great and if it stayed that way, we should be on track for a transfer of 2 embryos on Monday (and we would be freezing however many are left).

It isn't often we have gotten great news throughout this process, so this had our spirits pretty high. Rightfully so!

Thursday:

As I said, the embryologist called in the morning and gave us the news listed above. Amber was feeling better, but still pretty sore. All was as expected and we were feeling pretty good about how everything was going. A pretty uneventful day looking back on it.

Friday:

Uneventful Thursday took us into a more eventful, and unwelcome Friday.

Before we get to that...We did get another call from the embryologist and she at least had more good news. Of the 22 that made it through the fertilization process, 21 divided. All of them were between 2 and 6 cells, which is where we want to be for that first day. Each one is then graded on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being the best. 10 of the 21 were considered to be Grade 1 and the other 11 were either Grade 2 or 3. That is great news and we are still on schedule for a Monday transfer.

Back to the unwelcome part: Amber woke up feeling really pretty decent, all things considered, but after eating a full breakfast and taking the substantial amounts of medications she is on, things took a turn for the worse. She was still having some abdominal pain, but the worst part was the onset of nausea. She began vomiting a bit and got extremely uncomfortable. After I had several calls back and forth with the clinic in Chattanooga over the course of the morning they were concerned but we were all hopeful it would subside. She was able to rest a little more comfortably throughout the afternoon, so I kept an eye on her when I got home from work and thought we might be ok.

We had dinner last night and she was doing ok, relatively speaking. We went to bed and then it began....

Saturday (Today) - Rock Bottom? (lets hope...)

She started vomiting pretty regularly throughout the night. About every hour or two, she would wake me up to let me know that she had to go to the bathroom for another round. At about 6 AM, I noticed that her abdomen was getting very swollen and she was saying this was as bad as she has ever felt in her life, and I couldn’t disagree by looking at her gray coloring and obvious pain. We both new that the Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) had fully set in, and was progressing rapidly. It wasn’t going to go away on its own, and we had to get her help. Now.

One of the nurses from Chattanooga had given us her personal cell phone number at the retrieval in case anything came up over the weekend (the staff there has been nothing short of exceptional through this whole thing!) and I took advantage of it. I texted the nurse at about 7AM this morning and she called back immediately. She said that Dr. Scotchie would be in about 7:30 and she would call back after talking to her. She called back and said that she probably had to have the fluid removed from her abdomen, but they were worried about us driving 90 minutes with Amber being so nauseated. They gave us the option of picking a hospital in Knoxville and then she would call to make sure they could accommodate us. We talked it over and decided that we just needed to go to Chattanooga, as awful as the drive would be, rather than try our luck here. I was worried about getting in, sitting in a waiting room, getting results sent to Chattanooga, having some resident or other doctor do the procedure if they hadn’t done it before, etc. As they were calling back, about 30 min later, to find out where we wanted to go, we were walking out the door to go to Chattanooga. Easily the best decision we could have made!

The car ride was just as terrible as you would expect.....it involved Amber’s head being in a garbage can for half the ride. Talk about some interesting looks from people we passed. I don’t think there is anything further that needs to be said about that trip.

At 10AM this morning, we walked into the clinic and Dr Scotchie was walking past the front desk. She took one look at Amber and dropped everything and walked her right to the back and set up an IV. They had two transfers scheduled that they were just getting started, so we had to wait a bit, but they got her hydrated and on some pain and anti-nausea meds. She was resting as comfortably as could be expected within a few minutes of arrival. Again, a great decision not to go sit in an ER here in Knoxville, and huge thanks to the Chattanooga staff! By the time we got there her abdomen was even more swollen and there was a ton of fluid that had to be drained.

As soon as the two transfers were done, we were the only people in the clinic and they gave Amber their full attention and took here into the IVF clinic’s version of an Operating Room and started doing a paracentesis to remove the fluid.

While we were waiting, the embryologist came out and talked to us and gave our daily update. Of the 21 embryos we had from the previous day, ALL 21 are still dividing as well as they/we could hope. 11 are a Grade 1 (again, the best on a scale of 1-5), 6 are a Grade 2, and 4 are a Grade 3. No Grade 4 or 5. The embryologist is almost giddy when talking to us and has had nothing but great things to say, so we’ve enjoyed hearing from her these past few days. Again, this is really great news and lifted our spirits quite nicely amongst the obviously difficult day.

After the good news, it was back to the immediate worry. Amber was off to do the paracentesis and then I had 3 different people come out and tell me it was going well and that they were getting a great deal of fluid. When it was done, Dr. Scotchie came out and told me that they had drained 2.5 Liters of fluid! Yes, you read that right...LITERS! No wonder she was sick! After bringing her out of anesthesia, they brought her back out to recovery and she already had her color back, was feeling much better. They then said that if she was able to eat and keep down some crackers, we could go home today. If not, she would have to be admitted to a hospital in Chattanooga. Luckily, she was able to eat and they gave us the ok to go home.

We had already discussed with Dr. Scotchie that we did not feel comfortable with a Monday embryo transfer with how Amber was feeling and she said she was going to recommend the same thing. Because our embryos are doing well, we have decided that we will proceed with freezing all of the embryos on either Monday or Tuesday (depending on when the embryologist determines each individual one is ready to undergo the freezing process). She explained that typically about 80% of the embryos will survive the freezing/unfreezing process. We are very comfortable with this decision and this will give Amber the opportunity to get off all of the IVF-related meds, take some pain meds, and most importantly, get healthy. Once she gets back to feeling normal, or as normal as it gets these days, we will decide when to proceed with the embryo transfer. Dr. Scotchie said this would be a very sensible approach and that whenever we decide to do the transfer, it will seem like nothing compared to what we have been through the past six weeks! We are very thankful that our embryos are growing so well and that we even have this option to consider.

We loaded Amber back up in the car and she had plenty of pain meds to get her back home comfortably, which again was a welcome change. She has been up in bed since we got home and feeling much better (again, this is all relative). We can only hope this continues. There is a chance that we will have to go back one more time either Monday or Tuesday to do another paracentesis if there is further fluid build up. Hopefully we do not have to do this, but we will be proactive in making sure today’s events are not repeated.

Well, there you have it, folks. You are now up-to-date. Thank you to everyone who has written, called, texted, etc, to let Amber and I know you are thinking about us. Your continued support and prayers are very much appreciated. We thought we were prepared for the difficult road that this IVF process would be, but these past couple days have been more than we ever anticipated. With that said, we are very thankful that things did not turn out any worse than they have.

Hopefully Amber will be back on her feet soon and writing to provide her witty take on everything that has taken place this week. I’m not sure when that will be, but we know many people are following our journey and we will do our best to keep you updated with any new developments. Thanks again to everyone for your support!

49 Shots + 5 Ultrasounds = Egg Retrieval Eve

2011-11-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentleman we have made it!! I feel bruised, bloated, emotionally unstable and have a serious case of general malaise. I have come to one conclusion, IVF is not for wusses!!! We've become champs at the HMG injections/ultrasound/IUI routine, but IVF is an entirely different beast all together! You can see by the pic (please excuse the bloating, I have a lot of follicles growing) a glimpse of how intense it has been.
This being said, however, we went back to Chatt on Monday for another ultrasound. Although the follicles grew, we were still at an "iffy" phase for follicle size. Some were large enough, but a few were lagging behind. So we left Chatt Monday feeling befuddled. We were again waiting for the phone call regarding my labs before we knew if we'd have to undergo another round of stim injections or move on to the trigger shot. Who knew so much could be riding on an Estrodiol level??
I have been quite tired lately (is this a normal side effect of all the drugs/growing all these eggs??) so I dozed on and off on the couch after I dropped C off at work. I don't know his boss, but I'd like to hug him for being so understanding with all of these appts. It's a blessing to have him by my side and not forced to face the barrage of appointments alone. Finally, the phone rang and it turns out my Estrodiol was over 4000 so we were indeed ready to trigger. We shot up with the HCG injection (our 49th and final injection of this cycle) at precisely 10 pm.
I've been cleaning, doing laundry and gave the dog a bath just to occupy my mind because I can't believe I'm going to have an egg retrieval tomorrow! Ah! I went in for a deep tissue massage today to prep for tomorrow. If this lady wasn't utterly amazing with her hands I may have puked on her (I was feeling nauseous all morning). Here's a small interaction at the beginning of the massage:
Masseuse: Any areas you want me to avoid?
Me: Yes, my abdomen. I've been going through IVF so it's quite sore from injections.
Masseuse: Does that have anything to do with fertility?
Me: It sure does. Told her what it stood for.
Masseuse: You're back is full of knots! No wonder why you're having problems getting pregnant. It's so important for people to relax while trying to have kids. It happened to my sister; after 6 years of trying they gave up and then she got pregant!
Me: Rolling my eyes through the little face pillow and thinking you're lucky this feels so damn good, Peaches.
Normally this kind of interaction would bother me, but I felt so relaxed and calm I let it roll right off my back with the rest of my stress. She was a young thing, probably only 20 years old and she had no idea what she was saying. She did inform me my back was so knotted that I should really consider getting massages at least once a month. If she had any clue what I have been through, she may know just why my back was so knotted. Amazing massage minus Peaches ignorant comment.
So for the first time in 3 weeks we're not doing any shots today! What a rush! Nothing to eat or drink tonight after midnight for me. Tomorrow morning we're rushing off to Chattanooga at 8:15 for the retrieval. I'm apprehensive about the retrieval. I'm worried about Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, a needle possibly going through my abdomen (talked this over with the RE yesterday and feeling slightly better about it) and the general risk of dying (after all Michael Jackson died from Propofol so it could happen to me).
Wish us luck, say a prayer or keep us in your thoughts tomorrow please! It's going to be an intense day for both of us.
Until you hear from me again, Happy Egg Retrieval Eve!!

Stim Day 10. Ultrasound 3. It's Not Over Yet!

2011-10-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Because infertility doesn't have to play by the rules, unfortunately, we are not triggering tonight.
We woke up at 6 am today *yawn* and made our way to Chattanooga. During the ultrasound, both of us knew something wasn't right. Dr. Murray was enthusiastic about all the follicles before the ultrasound, but during the ultrasound the enthusiasm faded. My follicles weren't measuring at the size he had anticipated. We were given 2 explanations- a. I had ovulated since Friday and this would mean canceling the whole cycle. b. People measure follicles differently and since I'm being monitored at two clinics, there could have been a slight discrepency between measurements. The MD added a progesterone level to my bloodwork to determine if I had ovulated.
The ride home was a bit stressful. I checked my phone every 4 minutes to make sure I didn't miss Dr. Murray's call. Thankfully, he called with the news we wanted! I had not ovulated. My follicles were not quite the right size; this was most likely a measuring discrepency. Easy fix. We're jacking up the Follistim to 225 units to get those follicles growing a little more. One more night of shots.
Unfortunately, we have to head back to Chattanooga again tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and labs. Not ideal, but what's a girl to do?
I've had plenty of transvaginal ultrasounds in my life by a variety of professionals. Everyone has had difficulty locating my left ovary, but I never thought anything of it. But, Dr. Murray enlightened us to the fact that they may have difficulty retrieving the eggs on my left ovary due to it's location. He explained they may need to use a very large needle and go in through my abdomen instead of the traditional method of aspirating the eggs vaginally. This would provide for a more complicated recovery. I'm not sure how I feel about this news. I'm quite nervous about the retrieval the way it is, but thinking about extra complications and recovery is freaking me out a bit. I'm just trying to push the retrieval piece out of my mind for now. First we have to get to that stage.
Back to Chatt tomorrow. Hopefully my infertility will play by the rules tomorrow!

Stim Day 8. Ultrasound 2.

2011-10-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

I made it through work Wednesday night and I'm on a hiatus from work for the next 1.5 weeks. I left my schedule open because I knew the retrieval and transfer would fall sometime in this time period. It's incredibly stressful balancing work, sleep (I primarily work nights) and appointments. I've been able to juggle all of these over the past 3.5 years, but when we decided to pull the trigger on IVF, I changed my work schedule around so I could have time to better focus on the issue at hand. I want this desperately, and I'm willing to do anything!! **Special thanks to the most patient and understanding guy I am lucky enough to call my husband, Collin, for allowing this to happen!! He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.**
I went in for my second monitoring ultrasound today and it went well!! I know, we have a long road ahead yet, but any positive news in the infertility battle is reason to celebrate. It was the longest wanding I've ever experienced, due to the number of eggs, but this girl isn't complaining!
I know you're just dying to hear about my egg follicles, so I won't draw it out any longer. My right ovary has 19 follicles measuring over 10. There were several at or below 10, but those will more then likely not catch up with the rest of them. My left ovary had 10 follicles measuring over 10. Most of the follicles were in the 12-14 size range. We want them to get to about 18-20 before we're ready to jab in the trigger shot. 29! 29 follicles!! This is great news! No wonder I feel so bloated.
The NP that did the ultrasound (she's a bit too 'cheerleadery' for me most days, but today I bought into the enthusiasm) was just as excited as I was. She was giddy with excitement. At one point she said, "they're going to have fun with you!" Not the kind of comment you typically would get excited about when you don't have pants on and a stranger is viewing your uterus, but again, I'll take what I can get. Go ahead and have fun with me!
Now what? I just got a call from Chatt and they want us to come to them on Sunday for an ultrasound at 8:30. Not an ideal situation. Since it's the weekend and we're at a crucial point in the monitoring game, the nurse said they prefer their 'out of town patients' come in to the office at this point. I get it. It would be difficult to ensure info is sent from one clinic to the other on a Sunday and we absolutely need to hear back from the MD on Sunday after reviewing labs with the ultrasound to know what our next move is. So, we're heading to Chatt Sunday and *h0pefully* will be doing the trigger shot on Sunday night. This means our egg retrieval (which I'm very nervous about) would be on Tuesday morning.
The NP told me to take it easy to let those follicles grow. I guess I'll be taking it easy the rest of the day. Doctor's orders!

A Tale of Two RE's

2011-10-28T05:36:00.000-07:00

I got ready for my ultrasound appointment early and since I was nervous and giddy at the same time, I thought I'd focus my energy on writing a post rather than pace around the house for 30 minutes. So before I update on my ultrasound, I thought I'd explain why we're seeing two RE's in two different cities.
I landed in the hospital back in May '07 for an ileus. I had an abdominal CT done that gave me the diagnosis. From the CT, the doc discovered I had a dermoid cyst (Side creepy note-you're born with dermoid cysts. They are referred to as 'your lost twin' because they contain mature tissue that may include skin complete with hair follicles, hair, sebum, blood, fat, nails, teeth, cartilage, eyes, and other tissues. Doody told me mine had hair the same color as the hair on my head. Gross.) and also a septate uterine. Once I was discharged from the hospital, I was told to seek out an OB bc surgery was necessary to correct both of these conditions. Keep in mind, at this time, we had moved to Knoxville only 6 months earlier and were absolutely not trying for kids at the time. We were still working on careers and wanted kids once our careers were well established.
I picked an OB (I didn't have one yet in Knox) and went in for an appt. She recommended a specialist for the surgery due to where the cyst was; there was a moderate risk of losing my left ovary. It turns out, she had infertility problems and went to a RE in Knoxville, Dr. Doody, and she highly recommended him. It takes months to get in to have an appointment with Dr. Doody, but she graciously called him and made a personal referral on my behalf. I had an appointment in a few weeks.
Once I started seeing Dr. Doody, the rest is history. (Yup. Real name. Doody. Go ahead an laugh.) We've been seeing him since the summer of '07 and he's operated on my 3 times. First to remove the cyst (I was able to keep my ovary). When he did that surgery, he discovered I had severe endometriosis and was told I needed another surgery to correct it as well as the septate uterus. Once all of this was fixed, he asked when/if we were thinking about having kids. Doody caught us off guard with that question, because it wasn't on our radar for another few years. Due to the endometriosis, he recommended we should start thinking about kids, sooner rather then later, if it was something we wanted to pursue. Obviously, we thought it over and decided it was time to jump on the kid wagon! We had no idea it would take years!!! So, sad to say, we've never 'tried' having kids the old fashion way; we'd been diligently avoiding pregnancy since we got married via the pill. Our first attempt at getting pregnant included a month with Clomid and ovulation predictor tests. I often wonder what it feels like to be married, decide to have kids, throw out the pill and get after it! We'll never know what that's like....
All 'Doody' jokes aside, we both highly respect him as a physician and a person. He's understanding, patient and considerate. He's the kind of MD that takes you into his cozy office to have discussions rather then having them in a sterile exam room. He always takes his time and listens to all of your questions and concerns. We've always felt comfortable with him.
Although we were pregnant after our first injection/IUI cycle in Oct '09, it ended in a miscarriage and D&C. We did 2 IUI's after we scraped ourselves off the floor from that experience, but neither were successful. We had lightly discussed IVF with Dr. Doody following our miscarriage, but he felt confident with the one pregnancy (and correctable genetic issue), that we were sure to have success with another IUI.
Obviously this didn't happen, so we had a 'WTF meeting' with Dr. Doody to discuss IVF once and for all. Unfortunately, he does not specialize in IVF. Turns out there are no clinics in Knoxville that do. Who knew?! He had two recommendations of clinics in Chattanooga and Nashville. Then the research started... Nashville is about 2.5 hours from us and Chatt is 1.5 hrs. Advantage Chatt. Chatt is a new clinic, but, according to both Dr. Doody and Dr. Google, they are well on their way to becoming one of the best IVF clinics in the country. Advantage Chatt. Doody's office said they would work with us no matter which clinic we chose. We ended up choosing Tennessee Reproductive Medicine, the clinic in Chattanooga.
We've only had to go to Chatt 3 times so far; 2 more for the upcoming retrieval and transfer. I've been able to do all the monitoring and labs out of Doody's office in Knoxville. Both offices have been wonderful about coordinating schedules and information back and forth. Up to this point, I've been pleased with both clinics.
So anyway, that's the story of why we're running back and forth from Knoxville to Chattanooga and seeing two RE's in two different cities.

Stim Day 6. Ultrasound 1.

2011-10-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

Today was my first ultrasound. I had high hopes going in due to the fact that I feel like I have gained 32 pounds (actually have gained 4 pounds in 6 days but it feels like more) and because I'm sporting a nice collection of bruises and red needle marks on my abdomen. Needless to say, I have been uncomfortable and finding any reason not to wear jeans. We went to church Sunday and I had a hard time sitting still through the sermon. I'm working tonight and very thankful for scrubs!
This appt was at Doody's office and was fairly uneventful. I got to see my favorite NP, Andra. Results: (drum role please) there are about 35ish follicles growing-25 on my right ovary and 10 on my left ovary. WHOA! That's a lot of potential babies. No wonder I feel swollen!! She didn't bother on counting them all bc they are small and we'll be seeing how many progress in the next few days.
I got a call from Chatt this afternoon after receiving and reviewing my ultrasound from earlier. We will be decreasing the Follistim to 150, but continuing on with all the other meds and returning for ultrasound 2 on Friday. The RN that called me from Chatt said everything looked "great." I'm enjoying every single victory I can get, no matter how small.
We're right on track for a retrieval next week!!
In the meantime, I am working tonight *yawn* and doing my best to get those follicles growing!! I have to get shot up with 3 shots by the husband then rush to the hospital to work.
We got a new roof on our house over the past 2 days so work should be interesting since I wasn't able to sleep much today. BUT, I'm not complaining. I have 35 follicles! Grow grow grow!!!

Let the Stimulation Begin!

2011-10-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

Work went well last night! Headache seems to have cleared! I have to start with a little rant, then I'll get back on track...I got to work last night and withing 5 minutes of sitting and waiting for report, a co-worker shoved sonogram photos in my face. I wanted to rip them out of her hands and throw them in the recycling bin (I may have been angry but I was still feeling conscious about saving the planet and chose recycling instead of garbage). Also, another co-worker, who was arriving late because of her ultrasound to find out the sex of her baby, came in pouting because she was having a girl instead of the boy she longed for. I wanted to drop kick her in the head, but instead I wandered out of the department in order to do something. Anything, to get out of there for my own sanity. The nerve of this chick complaining about the sex of her baby when she got pregnant on the 2nd month of trying and she informed everyone she was pregnant when she was 7 weeks along and this is alllllllllll she talks about. These are the things that make this entire process so damn difficult. I'm not at all a jealous person, or I wasn't, until this. I've always felt very blessed with what we have and I'm quite happy with our lives. But now, it's so damn difficult to be around pregnant people, and they are freaking EVERYWHERE! They have the one thing I want so badly. I feel guilty that other people's happiest moments inevitably upset me. However, it's just how I feel. Good, bad or otherwise, I simply can't help it. I know all you ladies out there who are in my situation feel the same way.
Now that I got that out of the way, here we are. We're at the stimulation day. All the stimulating drugs are in the arsenal and ready to take over control of my ovaries. I have a few worries about this phase, but I am just hoping and praying it goes smoothly and brings us the results we've been trying to get to for 3.5 years. Sometimes I still can't believe we're actually doing this. I never anticipated we'd have to undergo such difficulty in trying to start a family. Like it or not this is our reality.
For those of you who are not sure what this means, besides me becoming a hormonal nut case in the next week, it also means I'll be receiving gonadotropins-hormones that will stimulate my ovaries to produce multiple eggs. This phase will be about 8-12 days and will include ultrasounds to track the number and size of the ovarian follicles as well as Estrodiol levels.
I will be taking:

* 225 units of Follistim (injection)

* 75 units of HMG (injection)

* 5 units of Lupron (injection)

* 5mg of Letrozole (tablet)

* 1 mg Dexamethasone (tablet)

* Metanex tablets twice a day

Collin will be taking antibiotics for a week. Woohoo! He get's to join in the party and take some drugs with me! Is it just me or is that a lot of drugs to be taking?!
I'll be heading in on Wednesday for my first monitoring visit where I'll get to do my favorite stirrup-ed ultrasound to check out how these eggs are growing. We've had success with this portion of the process before, so I have high expectations for my ovaries this time around. Don't let me down!! Although this part before only included HMG; adding in all these other drugs makes it a whole new ball game! Let's hope I can keep it together for my wonderful husband. We've been married 5 years and it still makes me giddy to use the word 'husband.' I am completely enamored by this man! I hope, despite my impending hormornal surge, I can keep it together for him.
Let the fun begin!!!

My Aching Head

2011-10-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of my headache. It's been increasing and decreasing in severity, but it has not fully gone away. I'm not sure if this is from stopping the birth control pills, taking the Lupron, quitting caffeine or any combo of the above. I've successfully been avoiding caffeine without any issues up to this point. I quit BCP's last Wednesday, but I'm still doing the 10 units of Lupron a day. I know a side effect of Lupron is headaches. I broke down and drank 1.5 cups of coffee today hoping this would just make it stop! It didn't. So here I am, feeling guilty about the caffeine and unsure of what to do?? I've gotten calls the past 2 days to pick up shifts, and although I want to work, I honestly can't. I made it through a 12 hr night shift Monday night with this headache and everyone kept asking me why I was so quiet. I wanted to scream, because they have no idea what I'm currently going through. I'm just feeling miserable!! I keep complaining to C, but I don't think he really understands how I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure what to do. I hope my head doesn't explode all over the living room before he gets home from work bc that's what it feels like it may do in the next 2 hours. I'm going to make some tea, crawl under a blanket on the couch and catch up on Grey's Anatomy. I don't know what else to do...

Question Segment

2011-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

I knew I couldn't remain optimistic forever...I received a call yesterday to inform me my Estrodiol was 27. This is an acceptable number to move forward with the injections on Friday. I know it's not exciting news, but in this infertility game, you have to celebrate any and every victory. Great news.

I did an inventory of our stockpile of meds. I read over our calendar for the 100^th time to make sure we have the timeline down. I’ve been taking the shots in the stomach like clockwork. I looked through the checking/savings accounts and saw a considerable chunk of money missing. Everything seemed to hit home all of a sudden.

We are actually doing this. We are doing IVF. We are making test tube babies. We are embarking on a brand new adventure that has an unknown ending. When we started out on this journey, I thought a few meds would make this whole thing work. I never imagined life would bring us here. I never anticipated how many tears I’d shed over something I’ve never had. Collin and I have worked diligently over the past 9 years making many of our dreams come to fruition. We’ve always shared the idealism that you can make anything you want happen as long as you’re willing to put in hard work along the way. We’ve put in more then our fair share of hard work when it comes to infertility, but it seems this is the one thing we can’t accomplish.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs; there are many out there that offer great support and have offered a much-needed glimpse into what the next few weeks entail. However, for as many inspirational stories I have read about women in the same situation as myself that end in pregnancy and a baby after 1 IVF, there are dozens of harrowing stories of women have gone through IVF 3-4 times and have nothing to show for it aside from bruises, tears and an empty bank account. I read a blog today of a lady who lost her twins at 20 weeks. It was a despairing read. Why do things like this happen??

So here I sit…questioning. What do we do if this doesn’t work? Where do we go from here? Do we continue to drain our bank accounts while chasing this dream? When do we throw our arms up and admit defeat? Can we admit defeat? Is this the one thing we can’t achieve no matter how hard we try? What if this results in pregnancy and another miscarriage? What if this actually works? What will we do with all our time, energy and resources if we’re not devoting it entirely to infertility?

The list goes on and on… I’m just starting to worry. I want this more than anything. I hope these questions go away. I worked a 12 hr night shift last night and I’m hoping between feeling ill (I’ve had a headache I haven’t been able to get rid of for 2 days) and tired, this will pass with some warm tea, time and yoga. This uneasiness that has taken over my day is really starting to be a drag.

There’s no stopping now. We’re in this up to our eyeballs. I just hope it works….the alternative seems unbearable.

Urine and Smoke Alarms

2011-10-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Weird title right? I've just had one of those weekends where everything seemed to go wrong. Nothing catastrophic, but all the little things were not working out in my favor this past weekend. It all started when I took in our car to the dealership for a routine oil change. I handed over the keys and went in the waiting room and sat down. As soon as I sat, I jumped up in horror due to the wetness I felt seeping through my jeans. I turned around and saw the chair had a very obvious wet spot right in the center of it. Nice. Just as I picked another [dry] chair to sit in, a mechanic came and notified me we had a few recalls on our car and it would take about 1.5 hours to get those fixed. Although I was off of work Friday, I could absolutely not stand to sit in pants wet from a mystery substance for that long. I told him I'd have to reschedule. Just change the oil so I can go home and shower! I posted a pic of the wet chair on FB and most everyone thought it was urine. That was my first instinct. You'll be pleased to know I made it home, ripped off my jeans in the garage and made it upstairs to clean myself off before my leg disintegrated.
Fast forward past the weekend to Sunday night and after watching the Vikings lose (poor C), we went to sleep. What felt like 2 minutes after falling asleep, we were woke by a screaming alarm sound. We have an alarm on our house, but it wasn't the house alarm. It was the smoke detector in our bedroom. We have vaulted ceilings and the smoke alarm is quite high and does a fine job of echoing across the high ceiling. C, always the more level headed one, jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. He returned a few minutes later and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was checking to see if the house was on fire. Oh yeah....I was in such a stupor from just waking up, I didn't even think of that! Turns out it was a false alarm and I have no idea why it went off. C changes the batteries regularly, but about 2 times a year that thing goes off for a minute in the middle of the night and then turns off. Not a good way to wake up. Neither one of us slept well the rest of the night.
Now that it's Monday, I had a mini break down in the a.m., I haven't been feeling great and I got to thinking about growing old. I asked C what I would do if we had no kids and something happened to him. I'd be all alone with no one to take care of me. I'm sure I'd be a crazy cat lady.... C, with his calm demeanor, assured me this wouldn't happen and calmed me down. I had a monitoring appt back at Doody's office. The office can either be right on time or lagging behind by 45 minutes. Today they were on time! It was a suppression check; basically just a check to see if everything is calm and quiet in the uterus department so we can move forward piling on the drugs Friday. Everything looked great and calm in there; lots of tiny egg follicles (which is a good thing). I also had blood work drawn, an estrodiol, and as long as that looks fine, we're moving ahead on Friday. The appointment was uneventful. I did notice a hippo stamp on the outside of my chart. It looks like a sad hippo and it's blue. I 'm not sure if this means I'm seeking tx elsewhere so they know what's going on with my appointments or if it means I have overstayed my welcome at their clinic and they should try to get rid of me asap or if it means I had a sad experience in the office (being made aware of the miscarriage) and everyone should be extra nice? Kind of creepy. I did pass 2 little adorable girls in the parking lot walking hand in hand (with their mom of course) and both of them said hi to me. I'm taking it as a sign from God...I keep telling C we're having twin girls!
I'm tolerating the Lupron shots fine. One of them required some cussing. I'm not sure what went wrong, but it hurt and bled afterwards. C has been doing a fine job administering the drugs. I'm not brave enough to do give them myself. I can stick other people with needles just fine, in fact, I get paid to do it, but I just can't turn the needle on myself. The only side effects I've had are headaches, hot flashes and tiredness. Very tolerable compared to my last Lupron experience.
Let's hope this week goes smoother then the weekend...

Doing Our Part to Stimulate the Economy

2011-10-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have been injected with Lupron for 3 days. It's a small needle (insulin size) and I've been doing the injections in my abdomen. Well, that's kind of misleading...my lovely husband has been injecting me. I know it's small and relatively painless, but I hate needles and I'd rather just stand there, close my eyes, and go to my happy place while he shoots me up. He's quite good at it:)
Ah Lupron we meet again. I think Satan invented this drug. I honestly do. Hear me out: I was on a high dosage of it for 3 months prior to having surgery to remove Endometriosis tissue. Without getting too involved with how the meds work and what hormones it suppresses, it essentially puts your ovaries to sleep (aka menopause-like state). Since your ovaries are in "menopause", you get the symptoms that come with menopause including hot flashes, night sweats, headaches, dizziness and mood swings to boot. When I was on it for 3 months, there were times I completely lost it. I was ashamed of the way I treated people...I thought I may have developed Bipolar Disorder. It was terrible!!! In my last month of the med I called Doody's office in despair and told them they had to give me something to balance out how I was feeling. They gave me an estrogen patch, after much pleading, and it helped tremendously! Since Lupron is so effective in treating Endo, Dr. Doody suggested I go on it again while taking breaks between cycles. I flat out refused. I told Doody that if he wanted me to be able to have a husband to reproduce with, Lupron was not an option. I was sure another round of Lupron would send Collin packing (and rightfully so). So anyway, I'm on it again, but this is a smaller dose and much more manageable, so far. I'll let you know how I'm feeling after being on it for another 11 days. In preparation of the possible unwarranted crabbiness to come, Collin and I have developed a code word. When I'm getting crabby, he's supposed to say "puppies" and then I'll remember to take a deep breath and count to 10. We've had to use it already and it worked. I stopped mid-rant and just started laughing. Here's to hoping I can keep my moods in check over the next few weeks.
I am also taking Metanx currently. After the miscarriage, we did genetic testing to see if this was to blame. It turns out, I have a genetic defect called Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR). Collin is also a carrier for this defect. This big long name means my body doesn't absorb folic acid, an essential nutrient for brain and spinal cord development in babies. Our baby didn't have proper brain or spinal development, therefore, it was thought I miscarried because of this genetic defect. If only I'd have known this information sooner, this could have been prevented...ugh!!!!!!! Metanx gives me folic acid in a different form so my body can absorb it. The MD told me I should be on it (or a similar med) for the rest of my life! That seems like a long time...
Other then the drugs, we also went to our trial transfer in Chatt yesterday. I had to have a full bladder for the procedure so I started chugging water on the road. By the time we got to the clinic, my bladder was indeed full, and sitting in the waiting area listening to their water feature was pure torture! We did the procedure, which to my surprise, was relatively simple. I had some cramping for a few hours afterward from the catheter, but that's it. We got great news (any positive praise I get on my whacky uterus is classified as great no matter how nominal the news) because it was easy to locate and see and Dr. Scotchie thought the embryo transfer should be a breeze.
While at the clinic, we also signed all the consents. Amidst these straightforward consents, we had to sign consents for our embryos, should there be any to freeze, to determine what should be done with them if I die, Collin dies, we both die, we divorce or when I turn 49 (too old to have a child). Thinking of these scenarios was kind of odd. In case you're wondering, we're giving them to each other if either one of us dies, if we both die we're donating them to another infertile couple, if we divorce C has graciously agreed to hand them over to me, and if we're 49 and age out, we're donating them. I told Dr. Scotchie she'd be awful sick of me if I kept coming to see her for another 20 years trying to get pregnant! She pointed out, our embryos would be 20 years old! Imagine...living in a test tube peering out at the world thru glass for 20 years...
We also had to pay up for all this fine care we are about to receive. That one hurt a little. Nothing like handing over hard earned cash for a "chance" at getting pregnant. Side note: I am convinced this is the time it will work!!! On the way to the car, C said we should feel good about it because it's our little way of helping to stimulate the economy. I guess that's one way to look at it...

Quiet Your Mind

2011-10-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

As I am sitting here, typing on our beloved iMac, I must first say rest in peace to the innovative Steve Jobs.
Here's the run down on what we've been up to: we joined in the neighborhood rummage sale (our first rummage sale experience ever) over the weekend. We both were surprised how easy it was to sell junk to strangers and we were entertained by some of East Tennessee's finest. We didn't have a lot to sell; but we got rid of a bunch of stuff that was sitting around the house and we managed to make $88. One guy paid with a $100 bill toward the end and I'm paranoid that it's a counterfeit. Now to find an inconspicuous location to spend the bill so I don't get arrested when trying to pass counterfeit bills at Target... We also had some friends over for dinner Saturday night. Since our fridge is stocked with various fertility meds, we had to be creative to hide them. These people don't know what we've been going thru and I didn't want them to think we're running some kind of meth business out of our house. Collin can give Bobby Flay a run for his money on the grill. Yum! It was a farewell party of sorts (although our friends weren't made aware of this either). We had margaritas with our dinner and this was my last cocktail for a while (the longer I have a reason to extend this absence the better....like 9 months would be perfect!) Adios alcohol. Next up, caffeine.
I feel like I've been in fast forward mode the past few weeks. I've been picking up extra shifts at work in preparation to work less when we start the IVF appointments (Monday brought a 16 hour work day. Ugh.) Collin has been on a few trips for work; he just returned from Philly last night. We've had a few projects around the house as well. Starting today, the hectic work schedule is on pause for the time being.
I am well aware stress can have a negative impact on the entire fertility process (just relax, right?), so I have been/will be making an effort to slow down and relax. It's about that time to make the positive life changes like we have at the beginning of every cycle (i.e. give up alcohol and caffeine, eat organic, exercise regularly etc.). Every cycle starts out with a renewed hope. This could actually be the one that is successful and brings us the baby we have been yearning for! This could be it!! This could be the end of our 3+ year struggle!! Why not give it everything we can?
If you're experiencing infertility, I know you'd do anything to make it go away. I'd stand on my head, skip instead of walk, or shave my head if someone told me it would make our chances of success better. If anyone has suggestions for what they do prepping for/during a cycle feel free to send them my way. I've read up on a few books, Navigating the Land of IF and Fully Fertile. I also started a yoga and relaxation DVD (thanks for the idea Julie!) Today was my first time trying the DVD and I felt so relaxed afterward, I didn't want to get up off the floor. I know acupuncture can be an advantage, however, this is an option I'm not pursuing at this time. Collin did get me a gift card to my favorite salon and spa, so I do plan on getting a few massages over the next few weeks. I don't know what else I could possibly do?! I know all of this could be completely absurd and have zero influence on the outcome of the IVF. However, it makes me feel like I have some kind of control over this uncontrollable situation and it keeps me feeling sane, so I'm going with it!
We're scheduled to head to Chatt on Monday for the trial transfer, to sign the 31 pages of consents (yes, I counted them) and hand over the payment for all of these fine services. Not all clinics do a trial transfer, but I have been told it is simply to determine the angle and depth of the uterus so the RE can map it out ahead of time in order to have a smooth embryo transfer. Although I'm not looking forward to logging more stirrup time, it will be useful info for the RE, Dr. Scotchie, since I have a messed up uterus with odd angles and that thing is just down right uncooperative when it comes to things like this. Anything to make the embryo transfer a smooth process.
*3 days until the shots begin!*

Class is in Session

2011-09-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

At the moment, I am verklempt. Yup, verklempt. Apparently, I speak Yiddish during overwhelming times such as this. The box I have been waiting for has arrived today...the medicines! The pic includes all the meds I will be taking in the next month. Yes, all this in ONE month. Yikes. (I blurred out some of it so my address couldn't be seen bc you never know about creepers!)
I had the IVF class last week. I met with 2 RN's and went over all the meds I'd be taking, when to take them and how they will be given. I have a sheet of paper filled with all the instructions. Both of the nurses have been through infertility treatments (or at least they said they were), and this was oddly comforting. Although I don't like to be ignored, I also don't enjoy pity parties. These women were receptive, informative, encouraging and eased the worries I had and made the copious amount of information comprehensible. I honestly think it helped that they had been in my shoes before. Because I can't seem to enter a doctor's office without taking off my pants or being stuck by a needle these days, of course I had a lab draw while I was there. The meeting made me feel competent about the next month's activities.
Shortly after my meeting, I got in contact with the specialty pharmacy the clinic uses. You have to use a specialty pharmacy because your neighborhood Walgreen's won't be stocked with these meds. They overnight the meds to your house (how convenient!) so this gives you enough time to scrape yourself off the ceiling after they tell you the total cost of the medicines. We had leftover HMG injections from our previous cycles, so this saved quite a bit of cash. Despite this "savings" we still dropped over $1,800 for the rest of the medicines. You heard me right. Yowza. I think we're lucky(?), because our insurance paid for a portion of all the meds with the exception of the Follistim. The Follistim came in at a staggering $1671! Ah!! Talk about sticker shock...
Anyway, the meds have arrived. A nurse called me today from the pharmacy and went over each of the meds, side effects, etc. This was a nice touch. The main side effect for each of the drugs is "emotional instability." She warned me I may have frequent mood swings. Oh boy. I am seriously considering locking myself in our bedroom for a few weeks. I've been on meds before that have made me "emotionally unstable" and it was a harrowing experience to say the least (Poor Collin). I need a cocktail, but since I'm quitting cocktails (and caffeine) I can't even find solace in a brandy old fashion.
All of this makes me feel guilty. It's not fair to put Collin through this...I dislike that his wife has a wonky uterus. I wish there was something I could do. Life is just not freaking fair. I could think of a lot of things to do with $1800 and none of them include shoving needles into myself.
Anyway, the countdown has begun. 8 days until we officially start our first (and hopefully last) IVF cycle!

Split Personality Disorder

2011-09-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I survived the IVF class :) It actually made me feel confident about moving forward with the whole process. I'll write more on it later. Today, however, I am frustrated. I worked over the weekend at both hospitals and somehow at both the topics of pregnancy and babies kept popping up. I was once again asked the bothersome question, "When are you having kids?" Aside from wanting to burst into tears, I used my usual response of "someday." What am I supposed to say to this!? "We've been trying to have a baby for over 3 years and I've had one tragic miscarriage. Thanks for checking." I know most of my co-workers have no idea what is going on with my infertility issues and it's an innocent question, but it's infuriating, heart breaking and frustrating all at the same time. One of my co-workers is pregnant and she continuously talked about her baby, finding out the sex, etc. While I am happy for her, part of me just ached inside the whole day. I feel like I have split personalities sometimes; there's a facade of the "Outside Amber" that is carefree, fun and full of energy. This is the person most people know me as. But, there is also the "Inner Amber" that a lot of people do not even know exists. This person is emotionally fragile, constantly dealing with infertility and confused. I always stay composed in these situations and no one has any idea what is going on in the "Inner Amber's" thoughts. I discretely fire off a text to Collin for support during these baby filled conversations. He always knows what to say to make me feel better. (What would I do without this splendid man?)
Since this post seems to be complaints (the next one won't be so negative!) I also have to admit, and anyone going through this can relate, logging on to Facebook can be like navigating through a mine field. Don't get me wrong, I adore Facebook, but I am so tired of people complaining about how "horrible" it is to be pregnant, having morning sickness, feeling swollen, being exhausted or how they dislike feeling tired because their child woke them up at night. I swear, every time I log in, another person announces their pregnancy. Ugh! The blocking feature has become one of my favorite tools! If you announce you're pregnant on FB, I am very happy for you and your expanding family! However, if you start the unwarranted pregnancy rants or repeatedly post sonogram photos, for my own sanity, I have to block you. I even have one of my sister-in-law's blocked. (Granted she and my brother are completely callous, but that's a story for another time) Anyway, anyone going through a similar situation, how do you deal with the questions of "when are you having kids"?? Do you feel like you're keeping part of yourself hidden??
I've tried to open up and let the "Inner Amber" out before, but I have found people just don't understand. They say the wrong things and it doesn't help me feel better, so I just don't talk about it typically. Below is a list of things to say/do and things never to say/do to someone going through infertility, along with smart ass comments I'd like to say. I can't take credit for this list nor all the comments, my friend Google provided them and I added a bit here and there. But, nonetheless, I've heard all of these throughout the years... (I know you ladies going through this have probably heard them all too!)

NEVER say:

You need a vacation, then you'll get pregnant.
If that were true, we'd have around 8 kids by now....

I can't believe you sought medical treatment. Seeking medical treatment just shows you are spiritually immature and you don't trust God.
So do you usually comfort cancer patients this way as well?

Have you tried praying about it?
Now why haven't I thought of that before?

[in reference to our miscarriage] Well at least you know you can get pregnant!
Wow, thank you for minimizing my loss of my child to just a test run to see if pregnancy is possible. Yeah, I appreciate that.

It's all in your head. If you stop thinking about it, it will happen. ("Just relax")
Infertility is a real medical issue. I have endometriosis which is a biological reproductive disease and causes my infertility. But yeah, thanks for implying that I'm mentally unstable enough to cause myself to not have kids.

You must be having lots of fun trying!
Oh yeah, it's a blast when there's all this pressure on both of us, and then you're poked and prodded to get test results and you're asked all kinds of questions about your sex life to a doctor you've never met before. LOADS of fun. Wish we started sooner.

You should adopt, then you’ll get pregnant right away (or the "you could always just adopt")
I would never ever ever use adoption as a method of getting pregnant. How absolutely terrible for the adopted child!!! Besides, check your facts. There is no correlation between adoption and having a biological child. The percentage for getting pregnant after an adoption is exactly the same as the percentage of getting pregnant before adoption. Also, there is no way to "just" adopt. It takes years, thousands of dollars, and it's something we have no intention of pursuing.

My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant
Good for you.

Here, you can just have one of my kids
The next time someone says this to me, I might just grab their kid, hop in my car and drive off, just to prove what a heartless comment that is.

Things could be worse
For me, this IS the "worse." My feelings are valid.

You're still young
I'm well aware of my age, thank you. I'm also well aware that my endometriosis makes conceiving a child more and more difficult with each passing year. Three years is a long time to try to conceive...

The following are comments that we truly love and appreciate. But because I get so embarrassed, I don't usually know what to say...but please know that if you're reading this and you have either done or said these things...we love you so much for it.
How are you?
Is there anything I can do? (not likely, but the fact you care enough to ask means the world)
Can I get you some tissues?
I'm here if you want to talk about it
We are praying for you/can we pray for you?
And the actions...
a hug
crying with us
a card in the mail
remembering that while I do not have a child in my arms, I AM a mother and my child is in heaven...

When You Want to Slap the USPS

2011-09-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

I need to be cleaning the house or doing one of the other 7 things on this weeks "to do" list before work, but I had to share these pictures!! Somehow I was inadvertently placed on some kind of expectant mother mail list. I get magazines, coupons, and/or pamphlets at least once a week. Sometimes, depending on the day and the news I have gotten that day from a MD, these things make me curse, cry, tear them up, roll my eyes, shake my head or any combination of these things. They always end up in the garbage can one way or another. Never have I received one of these pieces of propaganda and been happy about it. They seem to serve as a slap in my face as a reminder of what I don't have. I adore getting the mail. Seriously, I really like it. Call me old fashion, but it's fun when you get a little card or other piece of mail from someone you care about. These baby items have made me a bit apprehensive about getting the mail until today. I opened my mailbox and got excited when I saw a box inside. I pulled it out and read that it was another piece of baby propaganda. Great. I'm already feeling tense about my IVF class tomorrow...why not freak me out a little more?! However, once I opened the box I couldn't help but laugh hysterically! Formula? Really?! WTF am I supposed to do with this? Can it be fed to dogs or cats? It doesn't expire until 2013, so I'm going to take it as a sign of the things to come...

To Attain or Not to Attain

2011-09-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Numbers. Infertility is a numbers game. Cycle day, follicles, eggs retrieved, embryos transferred, mg of meds, vials of injections, follicle size, cost, time of appointments, success rates, cervical lining measurement...well, I think you get the picture. Probably the biggest number looming over most people's heads is the cost. Don't get me started on how absurd medical insurance can be...

When it comes to cost, one interesting aspect of IVF is a program called Attain. Attain is a shared risk program. There are 2 Attain options: 1. You pay one flat rate ($21k) and are able to have up to 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 frozen cycles; if none of these are successful you are refunded 70% of your cost. 2. You pay one flat rate ($14k) and have 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles. You can't automatically be accepted into the program, you have to have all your medical paperwork submitted and the company decides if you're faulty uterus is worth the risk. Sounds like some kind of bizarre sorority doesn't it? We thought this sounded like a solid option for us. It helps to ease the pressure of each cycle.

But then came the onslaught of the numbers...the Attain program does not include medications or additional monitoring. The two of these sum up to a neat estimate of about $5k per fresh cycle. A frozen cycle is a clearance cycle and only costs $3k. (Side note-sad when 3k sounds like a clearance deal, but compared to the alternative, sadly, it is) An a la carte IVF cycle costs about $17k for the total package deal (meds, monitoring etc).

And then came the emotional onslaught of numbers...I have been told I am young when it comes to IVF (a lot of the population that attempt this are in their 40's) and I am an ideal candidate for success (when medicated, I can produce a lot of eggs of a decent size and there was that one pregnancy so I CAN get pregnant). The clinic is 1.5 hours away. We've been at this over 3 years. We are both drained from all the appointments, monitoring, needles, stress, and disruption to our lives. Do we want to endure up to 6 cycles of this? That could take years to get through them all!

I've done research on this to see what other people think/have done. (Side note-how did people live before the internet?!) The information available goes both ways...some people say it's a waste of money (if you get preggers on the first IVF cycle that's quite a bit of green gone!), but then again, who the hell cares what it costs to have a child? Can you put a cost on it?! Spending $21k up front plus an addition $5k per cycle sure seems like a lot of money....we're not desperate for a child. A child will not complete our lives, but it would be a fabulous blessing. What to do?

Decisions, decisions. We weighed out our options and decided we were emotionally and financially more comfortable with the a la carte IVF option. We are both avid planners and thrive from direction in our lives. However, we've learned sometimes those plans, no matter how well thought out and organized, sometimes just cannot come to fruition. Screw the planning! There is no telling what will happen in a given day, week or month so I'm adopting the one day at a time philosophy. This was a very difficult decision (these days our lives seem to filled with these), but we hope and pray we have made the right decision. My very wise grandmother once told me to make a decision and to move forward; don't think 'what if we would have made the other decision' because you didn't make the other decision! You made a choice and you need to stand by it, accept it and move forward with that choice. It is one of my favorite pieces of advice from her! Moving forward, I am hoping, hoping so much my heart feels like it may explode sometimes, that this works on our first try. In the meantime, if anyone knows where I can get my hands on one of those trees that money grows from, please let me know ;)

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." --Ida Scott Taylor

Another Weekend Bites the Dust

2011-09-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

Weekends seem to fly by! I cannot believe September is halfway over already...
I've been debated on whether to grow my hair longer or keep it short so I let it grow all summer. Although I have always wanted long hair, it just doesn't work on me. I made an appointment with my hilarious and talented hair dresser, E.C., to chop it and darken it for the fall. I feel like I have a new perspective on what's been going in our lives...so it was time for a change in my look as well! I'm tired of keeping quiet about our infertility issues. I must admit blogging has been an amazing release! I feel free.
We went on a date Saturday night to Ruth's Chris Steak House. DELICIOUS!! It's a chain restaurant and I would definitely recommend it if there is one near you. After filling ourselves with amazing food and drinks, we headed home to fill out our anniversary journal. Our anniversary was in June *Happy 5 Years!!* but we have been so busy we haven't had time to sit down and spend a few hours together reflecting over memories from the past year. It was a peaceful night filled with "us" time. We have had a fantastic year filled with friends, family, traveling, camping, a job promotion, new experiences, health, love and laughter. We've both worked very hard over the years to make our dreams a reality. There seems to be only one thing missing, but we are both hopeful that this is our year!! 29 was always the age I thought was perfect for starting a family (you know, back when I thought we could choose when we wanted these things to happen). Anyway, here's to this year being our year!
On to a fresh week! I am working a lot of hours the next 10 days. I am spending my one day off this week attending an IVF class on Thursday in Chattanooga. Unfortunately, Collin has to be in Atlanta on Thursday so I will be flying solo. I'm looking forward to the class because I am a planner (it's a 1:1 meeting with a nurse to get a full IVF schedule), but I'm a bit apprehensive because I have to drive there, attend the class and drive back by myself. There are so many unknowns with the whole process right now, it will be helpful to have exactly what our plan will look like on paper.
A special thank you to everyone who has written me emails, messages on here or sent FB messages. I'm behind in responding to everyone, but I wanted to say a quick thank you. I am very thankful for all the encouraging and understanding messages you have sent. They all mean a lot to both of us.

Stay Classy Knoxville {Unless You Have a SHG}

2011-09-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

Who cusses in a physician's office? Apparently this girl.
Let me explain. I was originally supposed to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) performed pre-IVF cycle. A what?! Doesn't matter...basically the most uncomfortable x-ray you could imagine. I Googled this procedure and let's just say I was thankful they prescribe Valium for it. Collin was originally going to be in Germany when I had to have it done, but I decided I could put on my big girl panties and get through it on my own.
The IVF MD, Dr Scotchie (how fun is that name?) decided I could get a Sonohysterogram (SHG) instead; a much more tolerable procedure per my Google search. Collin was NOT going to be in Germany after all. I was scheduled to work the night before and night of my appt, but my understanding boss let me get out of the shift after my SHG. WINNING!
Appointment day. I got lost on the way there. I've been going there for 3 years (and living in Knoxville 4 years) and I got lost. Traffic was horrible and I thought I'd try out a new short cut. Bad idea. I ended up by Collin's work and had to call him for directions.
We both arrived in the office and waited for my name to be called so we could get this over. We waited 20 minutes and I started to get restless. We waited 30 minutes and I started to get crabby. We waited 45 minutes and I thought I might scream. We waited 60 minutes and Collin was wondering if it was too late to hop a plane to Germany. *bless his heart for his patience!!*
FINALLY! My name! I get in the ultrasound room...the nurses don't even have to tell me how to prep for the ultrasound anymore. Been there, done that. Dr Doody comes in and I assume the position. At the risk of keeping this PG, let's just say it was extremely uncomfortable for my prudish self. After 2 attempts of trying to find my cervix he commented that I was “too tense.” Really?! I responded with “well, this isn’t all that comfortable.” After 2 more attempts of cranking a speculum every which way (or so it felt) he asked if I could use the restroom to empty my bladder in attempt to make this easier.

I got up and ran down the hallway with a paper sheet barely covering my ass. The office was closed, we were the only ones there, but still….classy. I thought I was going to lose it in the bathroom…I felt the tears coming on. I just wanted this over…

Back into the anti-prude position and back at! After a few more attempts with the nurses assistance, he found my cervix. Next thing I know, I am experiencing unbearable pain and I felt the urge to kick Dr Doody in the face. Since this wasn't a viable option, I dropped a JC bomb under my breath and tried to breath. I looked over at Collin in my desperation and thought I mouthed an F bomb to him; much to my surprise, Collin later told me it was indeed an audible F bomb. Classy.

We finished up the procedure, which thankfully, resulted in a “normal” uterus. Ha! “normal” although seemingly hostile because we’ve been working over 3 years trying to get that thing knocked up and she resists every opportunity!

After the procedure, Dr Doody apologized for the pain. He had to use a more rigid catheter to get to my cervix since it takes an odd angle to get to it and the catheter apparently was inadvertently flung into my cervix. I now know what it feels like to have a catheter flung into a cervix and I wouldn’t recommend it.

The fun loving couple who appears to be sophisticated and yuppie-ish on the surface surprised the MD and RN by dropping a few curses. I think I had every right to cuss given the circumstances. Maybe not my classiest move, but what’s a girl to do when a catheter barrels into her cervix?

It was not a fun procedure, but it's over. Nothing a few ibuprofen, phone call to my mom, foot rub from Collin and a Land Shark couldn't fix.

Thus concludes the final test pre-IVF. Let’s do this thing!!

Where do I begin?

2011-09-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2008. I reflect back on my life prior to this date quite a bit; we were adventurous, innocent, happy and naive to how cruel life can be. My grandparents came to visit. I was about to start a new job at Peninsula as a Case Manager. Collin's job was going well. We were out of the cabin and living in a nice apartment. Life was good.
I became quite sick...so sick I landed in the ER at Parkwest and was admitted to the hospital for four days with a diagnosis of an Ileus (aka bowel obstruction). Amongst the round of tests in the hospital, I underwent an abdominal CT and an ultrasound. Turns out I also had a dermoid cyst on my left ovary. We felt resilient. We thought this was a problem we could tackle. Surgery did not seem like a big deal...
We were introduced to Dr Doody, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who was to perform the surgery to remove the cyst. At the post surgery appointment, we found out I had Endometriosis and a septate uterus. We walked away from the appointment armed with knowledge and hope.
I had surgery to remove tissue from the Endometriosis and remove the septate. At the post op appointment, we were informed I had Stage III Endometriosis (out of IV). Dr Doody asked us what our thoughts on having children were...we laughed. Kids?! We were not ready for kids...were we? I was 25 and Collin was 28. We were too young! We just started living life...we had too many vacations to take and fun to have before we were ready to have a family. We walked away thinking the MD was a bit zealous.

*2009* Holidays came and went, we went to 3 friend's weddings, traveled to Mexico and rolled into 2009 with a refreshing outlook on our lives. We were ready to jump head first into starting a family. We'd always talked about having kids "someday." This was our "someday." We were ready! We were excited. We discussed so many "what if's", names, and eagerly anticipated where our lives were taking us.
We started out taking Clomid and ovulation predictor tests; once I got a positive on the test we were going to go to Dr Doody for an IUI (intra uterine insemination...yup the turkey baster route). Seemed easy enough. One month passed. Never a positive ovulation test. Increased dose of Clomid for the second month. Never a positive ovulation test. Month 3 a higher dose of Clomid. I woke up one day dizzy and with blurred vision. I was stumbling and running into things like a drank 5 brandy old fashions. Turns out Clomid can cause permanent vision damage. That was the end of Clomid.
Spring turned into summer. Through this all, I was juggling school, clinicals and work. Summer was a short semester so it meant school and clinicals 5 days a week plus work to top it off. I was on so many different drugs during this time...if I put down every detail of every test and every drug I was on you'd probably want to check me into rehab. I began to lose myself. The drugs made me feel insane. I was moody, tired, angry, and damn difficult to be around at times. We decided it was time to take a break from our "someday."
Fall entered the picture along with injections. After 13 shots administered by my patient, loving husband over 15 days and 5 ultrasounds (the throw your feet in the stirrups, internal ultrasound type) we went in for our first IUI. 2 weeks later, I WAS PREGNANT!! We were elated! Sure we had been through a lot, but it was worth it! Our "someday" had arrived!!
I did blood work every other day to check my progesterone level. We had an ultrasound. We saw our baby's heart beat. We walked out of the office with our heads in the clouds.
You can only imagine how many times I had been to Dr Doody's office. Every nurse, manager, NP and assistant knew me and Collin by name. I was tired of going to the office. Our last appointment with Dr Doody came, an ultrasound at week 8. I was then going to see a regular OBGYN. FINALLY! No more Doody! Well, it turns out I had miscarried. I have never felt so awful in my entire life... It was a very dark place for Collin and I. We had worked so hard for this and it was taken away in an instant.
We got through our loss together. He was strong when I was not. He held me when I couldn't move. He was my shoulder to cry on. He was the only person who understood what we had gone through to get here. We decided to take time off from the grueling work of our "someday" again. We were battered, weak, exhausted and losing hope. I was graduating in the spring. Collin was busy with work. We decided to concentrate on "us" for a while.

*2010* Spring came again. I graduated, got the two jobs I wanted and we treated ourselves to a trip to Negril, Jamaica. We came back refreshed, invigorated and renewed with energy and hope. We started injections in June; my loving husband gave me 17 shots over 15 days and I had another 5 ultrasounds. We had our second IUI an waited the unbearably long 2 week wait. I knew it wasn't our "someday" before the pregnancy test had to tell me with it's one pathetic line. It was unsuccessful...
We regained the strength and patience required to undergo another round of injections in November. After 9 shots and 2 ultrasounds this cycle got cancelled. I had too many egg follicles and at the risk of becoming the next Kate Plus Eight, we had to abruptly stop.

*2011* Eager to start again, we did the holiday trip to Midwest and came back to work on our "someday" yet again. Collin shot me up with 9 shots in the hip and I had 3 ultrasounds before we were ready for another IUI. We waited the 2 weeks again, fully anticipating two lines on the pregnancy test. They never came. Another failed cycle. We were surprised, bitter and confused.
After meeting with Dr Doody to discuss our options, it was recommended we move on to IVF. It was not a surprise, this wasn't working. We were tired of the injections, tired of the endless appointments, tired of the hope, the pain, the waiting. We got information for 2 IVF clinics, one in Chattanooga and one in Nashville.
So here we are today, prepping for our first cycle of IVF. We've been to hell and back. We've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. We've done it all. We've made it through and we're still smiling. We're still hopeful; hope is the only thing you you have sometimes when everything else fails. We're still standing side by side and hand in hand. I have an incredible husband who has been my everything when I could be nothing. I cannot express how much I love this man and how thankful I am for him. He is the love of my life. He keeps me going when I am tired of fighting. He makes me smile when I want to cry. When we started on this long journey we had no idea it would bring us to this. We had no idea it would be this difficult, this time consuming, this emotional or this expensive. Here we are, ready to take on whatever life has to bring us. We're braving it together. I know I can do anything and go through anything with Collin by my side.
As hard as this has been to write (rustling up all these memories brought on a few tears), please don't feel sorry for us. We are happy and have an endless list of blessings. We're just asking for your thoughts, prayers and support as we venture on this new journey. We have no idea if we'll ever get our "someday." We have no idea what life has in store for us, but we need and want you all to be a part of our lives always.